You know how it goes. You're out celebrating your teams big win or loss, or even that you finally got laid (who cares if she was missing a few teeth). You meet up with more people celebrating the same cause, and before you know it there's a few hundred people out having a good time… or so it would seem. Before you know it a dumpster is on fire, tear gas is everywhere, and you're not drunk enough for this shit yet.

Riots can get out of control in a hurry. I know this first hand having been in three and possibly indirectly starting one. Don't believe me? Well, I was at this one this one and this one and if you don't pay attention you may find yourself sharing a jail cell with the resident pedofile or on the way to the hospital for emergency surgery. Here are a few things that may help you out the next time you are in a riot.

#1 Know Where The Cops Are
Duh. However, its easy to catch yourself staring at the pretty fires, dodging, drinking, and smashing beer bottles, or running to keep track of their movements. If you lose track of the cops it will lead to an assload of trouble. I saw them beat the shit out of a kid for throwing a beer can that landed 20 feet from the nearest cop.

Take me for example. During riot #2 I was standing in my front yard giving high fives to the fans leaving the hockey arena after our National Championship (it was shown on some big screens). I was having such a good time that I had no idea that 20-30 police officers in full riot gear were standing behind me. I was screwed. So, I tried to calmly turn around and walk by them into my house, but they wouldn't let me and told me that I needed to go home. I had been drinking all day and was completely perplexed. They wouldn't let me into my house but insisted that I go home. So I turned the other way and ran into another wall of police and started arguing. Horrible idea. Just horrible. Before I knew it they had drawn their……

#2 Pepper Spray
This shit is not fun, and I still don't know what I did to get drenched in it. If you see an officer reaching for it run away like you stole something (because you probably already have). I saw someone get sprayed in the face with this and it looked like he passed out on his George Foreman grill. I was lucky I saw it coming and turned away at the last second and got it on the back of my neck and arms, which still sucks.

Right after I got hit I scaled a wall like Spiderman to a window and climbed into my house. Now, if you get hit by pepper spray jump in the shower and let warm water run on you for about a half hour. It won't stop the burning but it helps. Milk helps if you get it in your mouth. Oh yeah, one more thing. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT rub the burning area in the shower then proceed to scratch your balls. You might as well light a match and hold it to your nutsack for 30 seconds. Jesus Christ did that hurt. Speaking of fire.

#3 Fires
A riot without a few fires is blowing your load early. Fun but you know you've missed out. At riot #3 in Mankato (after a routine football loss) the cops, who totally fucked that one up by the way, forced two huge outdoor parties into one area. The crowd started getting restless and started throwing beer bottles. This is when I overheard this, “Wow! What an awesome riot!”. I replied by telling them that the police would not consider it a riot until the fires get started. Not three minutes later these same guys are pushing a dumpster out to the street and throwing lit matchbooks in it. This led to 4 more fires and the realization that I kind of started this riot.

Anyway, fires attract attention. So its best to keep your distance. People take pictures of the fires and those are usually the ones that end up on the police website asking for help to identify the kid without a shirt drinking Captain Morgan out of bottle and spitting at the fire.

All in all riots can be a great time. Especially when your friends run up to you and says things like “I just mooned the cops! I'm gonna go do it again” or “we're all going to go piss on the fire you should join us”. Just remember to keep it safe and have fun. Otherwise you'll wonder why your balls really really itch the next day.