I Review, I Predict, I Don't Play

Last year when the Cardinals reached the post season, I followed a very strict format on my old e-mail list. I had a Running Diary (ala Bill Simmons) or a game day recap, followed by my game day predictions for the following Cardinal game. And well, it’s the post season again. And the Cardinals are in it again. And well, I guess I’m doing it again.

Here we go Sports Fans. Make sure your cup check, gut check and paycheck are all double checked. It’s the post season, baby.

Game 1: Cardinals defeat Padres 8 to 5
Okay, I didn’t get to see too much of this game because the Cardinals and Padres constitute weak television markets so they put the game on in the middle of my work day. There is, however, a bar nearby work, so I did get to see some of the game (like Reggie Sanders’ Grand Slam) and the entire ninth inning (which was about as relaxing as a fight with a knife wielding, menstruating, Roseanne Barr on cocaine). Also, I read the paper, so I know some stuff. On with the recap.

I’m sorry, I know he got hurt, but Jake Peavy alone was not gonna defeat the St. Louis Cardinals. You need at least two good pitchers if you want to beat us. And save your stupid, “well, if he was able to pitch at least two games…” because the Cardinals would have figured him out in time. So, all the sports writers and Padres fans who thought Peavy was gonna get it done were wrong. Now, with the injury, at least they can say some garbage like, “If Peavy hadn’t been injured, you never know what would have happened.” I hate to get ahead of myself, but the Birds are winning this series. Anyone who thinks otherwise has no brain. I know the regular season doesn’t really matter anymore, but 100 wins beats 82 wins 75% of the time (source: yeah, like I look anything up).

Cardinals Closer Jason Isringhuasen likes getting booed. That’s why he always makes a save situation as close as possible. I think if the tying run is not at least at the plate, he mails it in. Gotta have that pressure situation, eh Jason? Makes you feel alive? Makes you feel like a big man? Well stop it, already. You’re killing me over here. Freaking killing me.

It has been brought to Reggie Sanders’ attention that he chokes in the post season. He would like Major League Baseball to note that his six RBIs and grand slam home run are just the beginning. He will be making the Padres look like, well, the Padres, for the rest of the week. He thanks you for watching.

Game Day Predictions
Game 2 of the NLDS
Mark Mulder versus Pedro Astacio; Thursday, 4:09 (all times Eastern Sub-Standard in honor of Red Sox and Yankees, the only baseball teams that even exist).

In this game, Mark Mulder will go eight complete innings and give up four runs. When asked why Mulder was not pulled sooner, Tony LaRussa will go on and on about Mulder’s professionalism and his heart and the size of the Cardinal’s lead, while all the time thinking to himself, “Man, our bullpen is weak.”

Izzy will let the tying run get to third base with two outs, then strike out the last batter on four pitches.

After the game, Reggie Sanders will compliment Larry Walker’s dedication to the point where many people will wonder about the sexuality of both men.

During the game, the announcers will mention Peavy’s injury eleven times, at least.

David Eckstein will get three hits and score two runs and then politely decline any interviews because of all the great Thursday night shows he recorded. Of course, after he gets home and learns that The OC and Reunion are on hiatus until November, he will be overheard saying, “How can they choose dumb baseball over the OC? My God. What idiots.” It will be a very odd moment for all within earshot.

At least two different Cardinals will hit homeruns.

Yadier Molina will throw out a runner. Later, he will be quoted as saying, “I’m the only Molina to be on a winning team this post season.”

Cardinals win 7-4.