I don't understand homophobia.

Even among close friends, who aren't bible-beating, shotgun-pumping, big teste-d, Frat-ball player steak lovers, I still feel a lot of resentment and hate-speech a la. “Seriously Mike, I'm beginning to think you're gay.”

Okay, so I kissed a guy.

The story (told briefly because it's not the point) – At a party, a desperate looking (I'm talking sunken eyes and everything) drunk guy, and equally comical obnoxious girl and I engaged in a Triple Kiss. Why? It was the girl's idea. And although I had NO interest in her, I do have an ongoing torrid and perverse relationship with Humor. If you saw the look in their eyes, one of hopeful but ironic “This is really going to happen” and the other of drunken, broken, “Please don't make me do it, because at this point I will” reluctance, well you would have done the same… if you had my sense of humor.

Basically I knew that although I would get no enjoyment out of it, he would literally be hating himself for that brief second onward.I can just picture him later in the evening, when a mix of regretful sobriety and vengeful hangover would have him hugging that toilet like it's… well that girl that he wanted to make out with.

It was simple math. He wanted her, She wanted notoriety, I wanted to put my bearded cheek in the way of their already sad, tobacco flavored fantasy.

So back to the point. Maybe that gives you the willies, I guess I can understand that. But there's a lot more of this Machismo “Dude, are you Gay?” rhetoric going around. Unlike homophobia and laughter, homosexuality isn't contagious.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not gay. I don't watch Queer Eye or Will & Grace. Why not? Because gays are kinda annoying, especially in the stereotype that you most often see them in. But the same is true for a lot of people. Nobody seems to be concerned that I might up and turn into a black person if I slap some girl's ass on the dance floor. (which I also did that night… good stuff huh?)

Honestly if the choice was between sucking cock and sucking at comedy like Larry the Cable Guy who has bad gay jokes to compliment his other bad regular jokes, I'd be opening wide.

Didn't we already learn this in the high school locker room? Ah yes, our first errant gaze at another man's, beautiful silky wanger, and LO, we did not ejaculate rhinestones, or even get excited at all. A penis is just a penis… now go put it on your roommate's face while he sleeps.

And yet every time you think you and your bros are finally past this moral panic, once gentle ribbing and mock cuddle parties become a frequent affair, someone has to let slip with the easy put down, usually at a key juncture. (i.e. impressing a girl)

Maybe I've just been watching too much Borat, but what is the big fear here? Is it that you're going to choke and waste the last third of your Miller Lite if you see two gay men? Perhaps you're worried about getting semen stains all over your clothes from their wanton jerk-off contests… or maybe it's YOUR semen you're worried about?!!?!1?!

Dear God,
Don't give me Wood. Or else I'll have to dip it in fire, and go fuck a snowman…. SNOWWOMAN.. SNOWWOMAN!

Amen.

Oh my Lord, the horror, if one of them came at you full steam and inverted your cock into a Bagina, that's right BAH-GINAH, with the power of his throbbing gayness.

Just cool it. It's all for shits and giggles.

Really loud, girly giggles that cause me to grow fairy wings.


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