NEW HAVEN – Armed with nothing more than a keyboard and a desire to control people with fear, Dan Opp single-handedly undermined a terrorist plot to destroy a beloved symbol of American wealth and power.

Details are still in the process of being fabricated at this time, but the alleged plot was to involve at least one of the following: mass transit, drinking water, the White House, or Jenna Jameson’s vagina. Confirmed reports have come across the wire since that last sentence was typed and it appears that the intended target of the attack was indeed Jenna Jameson’s vagina, which is, strangely enough, where metropolitan Los Angeles gets its drinking water.

Possible outcomes avoided range from nuclear holocaust to mild flu-like symptoms.

Twenty-seven suspects have been detained for questioning in what is being referred to as “The Next Great Catastrophe That Could’ve Happened, But Didn’t, Thanks to the Tireless Efforts of Dan Opp, Whom, By the Way, You Should Vote for in the Next Election.”

Specific information on the suspects remains unavailable at this juncture, but rest assured it would be nearly impossible to correctly spell the names of the individuals involved and they are all of the ethnicity that is most popular to hate in today’s society.

Efforts to reach Dan Opp for interview have thus far been unsuccessful. However, he did release the following statement:

“I would like to take this time to confirm the published reports that I have single-handedly brought down a widespread terrorist network. It’s a difficult way to make a living, but the best part of foiling terrorist plots is that I don’t need to provide evidence of my work, only that something catastrophic did not happen. Hopefully, this reinforces your trust in me and rekindles your fear of foreign threats on American soil. As always, the worst possible outcome of this terrorist threat would be for Americans to alter their daily lives. So please continue to drive frivolously large vehicles, run your air conditioners 24/7, and ignore renewable energy alternatives. Also, during the next election, think of all the potentially bad things that didn’t happen during my term and give me credit for stopping all of them.”

Officials at the Department of Homeland Security were unavailable for comment, but the DoHS voicemail system reiterates that, in case of terrorist attack, it would be prudent to horde bottled water and keep your butthole clenched at all times.


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