12:42 PM
Well, it's October. It's a beautiful day in Tampa. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and there's a soft breeze blowing. So, naturally, I'll be spending the day inside, doing my best Bill Simmons impersonation, bringing you a running diary of the NLDS. St. Louis hosts the San Diego Padres in game three. The Cardinals are up two games to none, I have five Yuengling lagers in my fridge and I'm hoping for the best.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna listen to Glenn Frey's, “The Heat is On” for a few minutes. That always pumps me up for a Cardinal post season game (I'll never forget in 1987 when even our grade school bus driver was jamming that song as the Cardinals chugged towards losing the World Series. Seriously, when you get this stuff ingrained in your brain during your formative years, that's it. You're done. You're a fan and no amount of steroids, despicable personnel moves or shit-heel lockouts can keep you from rooting for your team. Sad, I know).
12:56
All right, who was the dick that decided the Clemson/Wake Forest football game belonged on ESPN and the Cards/Pads belonged on ESPN2? That's low. I mean, I don't care which one gets better ratings. Can we tip our hats to the professionals, please? Is that too much to ask?
Okay, sorry. I won't ask again.
1:01
Jon Miller and Joe Morgan are broadcasting this one. This is how shitty television announcing is in this day and age: there's not a better duo out there for baseball. Imagine if Rebello and I were the two best columnists in the world today. I mean, could that ever happen? God, announcers suck.
1:06
Just went outside to grab a smoke and my beautiful neighbor, Luanne (sporting a thong bikini) asked me to come to the pool with her. And I declined. Tell me I'm not a baseball fan. I fucking dare you.
1:10
And we get our first shot of the Gateway Arch. The over/under for looks at The Arch is 23 for this, by the way. It's the only building in St. Louis. Seriously.
1:12
Dave Roberts, the only Padre hitter who seems to have shown up for this series, leads off with a single, followed by Todd Walker lining a ball directly off of the knee of left fielder Chris Duncan. He's not an outfielder by trade, but he is one in spirit. Time for a beer.
1:18
Cardinal pitcher Jeff Suppan gets Brian Giles to tap back to him for an out, then Mike Piazza rips a grounder to Pujols who gets Roberts at the plate. Meanwhile, I just drank half a beer in two minutes. Not nervous, though. I'm not nervous at all.
1:20
Yadier Molina, my favorite Molina, just gunned Piazza as he was leaning off first base. I can breathe again. That's a plus.
1:25
Eckstein leads off with a base hit, Duncan fouls a baseball, Padre manager Bruce Bochy goes out to argue the call and we get our third shot of the Arch. If you're ever in St. Louis, you have to go up in that thing at least once. I think it's a law.
1:29
Eckstein steals a base on Piazza. I'm sensing a recurring theme. By the way, Joe Morgan just said the following: “No one is more valuable to their team than Albert Pujols. But you could say the same thing about Ryan Howard.” Anyone notice a problem with those two sentences? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
1:34
Rolen strikes out with two men on. Maybe I'm the only one feeling this, but doesn't Scott Spiezio deserve a chance to start in this series? I mean, every damn time he came to the plate when it mattered he seemed to come through this season. And yes, I'm lobbying for Spiezio over Rolen. And I'm not even drunk. Yet.
1:42
Mike Cameron doubles to left and Chris Duncan looks like a blind man trying to run after the color orange as he flops another play. This is not good. Nope, not good at all.
1:44
Reason number seven why I'm in the market for another relationship: I have a load of laundry in the dryer. Thank God I can pause live television or I'd be free balling tomorrow.
1:46
Suppan gets out of another inning with two on. Meanwhile, Joe Morgan and Jon Miller just spoke for five minutes about how grueling it is for them trying to cover all these post season games. Yeah, real rough, I'm sure. Somewhere, a single mother working two shifts a day at a hospital just gave those guys the finger.
1:59
Just finished putting away my laundry and Dave Roberts is back on base again. Why did Boston trade this guy? Seriously, he's the only one on the Padres who's shown up for this series. I'm a little sick of him, quite frankly.
Fortunately, the Cards get out of the inning.
2:06
The Cards go one two three. This seems like a good time to put up the following conversation I had with PIC owner/editor/head chef, noted soccer enthusiast and possible communist:
Me: Dude, name five of the teams in the MLB playoffs.
Court: Umm, let me see. Ahh, the Yankees. They're in, right?
Me: Yup.
Court: And the Red Sox. They're always in right?
Me: Not this year.
Court: Ummm. What are some other baseball teams?
Me: Dude, you can't even name five teams?
Court: The Braves didn't make it this year, right?
Me: You live in Atlanta, Court.
Court: Yeah, umm the Phillies?
Me: Not in.
Court: The Mets didn't make it. I know that.
Me: No, they did.
Court: Wow. That counts as a guess, right?
Me: Sure. I mean, the way this is going.
Court: The White Sox! They made it, right?
Me: Nope.
Court: Uhh, the Marlins?
Me: Dude, you suck.
Court: Oh, what about the Washington Capitals?
Me: What the hell is wrong with you?
Court: They didn't make it?
Me: They're not even a team.
Court: Yeah they are. Washington has a team.
Me: Indeed they do. But they're called the Nationals.
Court: Yeah but they made it, right?
Me: Nope.
Court: I've seen TV before. I can come up with another one. Hold on?
Me: Dude, what about the team I root for?
Court: Oh yeah, St. Louis. But they're not in.
Me: Yes they are. But you have to name the team for it to count.
Court: Ummm? the St. Louis, umm? Shit. The Cardinals?
Me: Fucking soccer boy.
Court: Did the Mariners make it?
Me: Nope.
Court: What about the Padres?
Me: They're playing the Cardinals.
Court: Does that one count?
Me: Why not?
Yup, it's a joy to work for him.
2:12
Jon Miller and Joe Morgan want you to know that Albert Pujols is good. No, really.
2:14
The Padres now have two on with one out but Morgan and Miller have been talking for three minutes about the late Buck O'Neil and the Negro League. Nice anecdote and all, but guys, there's a fucking game going on. Heads up and all that.
2:16
Two more minutes of Negro League talk, topped off with a plug for the Negro League Hall of Fame. It's in Kansas City. Really, you should go. I've been there. And I'm not kidding.
2:18
Branyan knocks in two for the Padres with a triple. Shit. I'm getting another beer.
2:20
And Blum drives in Branyan with a sacrifice fly. I hate this game. The beer's good, though.
2:28
Chris Young, now staked to a three run lead, just struck out Pujols, Edmonds and Rolen. Meanwhile, Jon Miller just told me for the seventh time today that Chris Young is tall. Also, Young looks way too comfortable right now. He might as well light up a pipe and put on a smoking jacket. Fuck!
2:35
Dave Roberts steals a base on a pitch out and Yadier Molina throws the ball into center field. Runner on third, one out. Why couldn't I have been a fan of movies or theatre or something? Shit like this just kills me. And I only have two beers left. Fuck!
2:40
With runners on first and third, Manager Tony LaRussa brings in some kid named Hancock to pitch to Mike Piazza. And Jon Miller just mentioned the Mississippi river and the Gateway Arch for the third time today. We get it, already! (And yes, I'm genuinely pissed off right now. Thanks for asking.)
2:43
Hancock gets Piazza swinging. If he keeps this up, I may just bother to learn his first name. I know it starts with a J?
2:49
After seeing ten pitches, Adrian Gonzales walks. That's officially a Helluva At Bat. (Rule: you must see at least nine pitches and get on base to qualify for a Helluva At Bat and seven pitches minimum for a Heckuva At Bat. These rules can be found in the Baseball Cliche' Handbook. And you think I'm kidding.)
(All right, so I was kidding.)
2:51
What's His First Name Hancock gets out of the inning. The Cardinal bats seriously need to be rattled right now. Rattle them, Redbirds. Rattle. I need a smoke.
2:55
Ronnie Belliard hits a bloop single for the second Cardinal hit of the game. (Note: my spell check doesn't recognize the word, bloop. This bothers me.)
3:04
After the Cards go down, LaRussa states in an interview that they will continue to “play the game.” Somehow, Joe Morgan and Jon Miller talk about that sentence for two minutes. Go figure.
3:05
Blum doubles to left field as Duncan misplays another one. If I'm playing the Cardinals, I'm hitting it to left field all day long. The odds are with that strategy. Runner on second, two outs in the sixth. I need to eat something.
3:08
What did I do for food before the George Foreman Grill? By the way, Dave Roberts just reached base again. I wonder how many Boston fans are complaining about losing him, right now. Gotta be somewhere near half a million, right?
3:11
Todd Walker ends the inning. The way he's going this post season, he should just change his name to Out Walker. It would make things easier.
3:12
Get some runs, Cardinals. Get some fucking runs, right now.
3:15
Padre Manager Bruce Bochy brings in Khalil Greene as a defensive replacement. Umm, isn't it a little early for a defensive replacement, Bruce? It's only the sixth. Meanwhile, Aaron Miles (who my buddy Chip pointed out looks conspicuously like Booger from “Revenge of the Nerds”) comes in to pinch hit for Josh Hancock (I told you I'd catch his first name eventually).
Time for some chicken.
3:26
The chicken was good. The inning sucked. With two on, Pujols struck out and Edmonds flew out. We're going to the seventh.
While we're here, I'll make a vow to you, dear readers: if the Cardinals lose this game, you won't get another running diary from me all post season. And I mean that.
3:32
Piazza doubles with one out and Randy Flores is now on the hill for the Cardinals. I'm still unhappy, just in case you were curious.
3:36
Time for Tony LaRussa to use his third reliever. This guy is the king of over managing. If he owned a restaurant, he'd platoon a short order cook with a waitress on slow days. I firmly believe that.
3:37
Chris Duncan caught a line drive! Congratulations, Chris.
3:39
Braden Looper gets the Cards out of the inning. Time for some fun facts:
Padre pitcher Chris Young scored a 1600 on his SATs and went to Princeton. Apparently, Mike Piazza says Chris is great at Trivia Pursuit.
Ever since the LaRussa interview, Morgan and Miller have been talking about the difference between a buzz word and a cliche'. It's like a running joke. Except it's not funny.
Hot girl Luanne stopped by to ask me what I was doing, took one look at the baseball game on my TV and then said, “My last boyfriend was a diehard baseball fan. He cheated on me.”
She left quickly after that. What can you do?
3:46
The Padres have a pitcher named Cla (pronounced: clay) Meredith. Begging, the question, what did Cla do with the Y? Meanwhile, Young gets Rolen and Encarnacion. I think I'm gonna be sick.
3:50
And it's time for the managers to shine. After a Ronnie Belliard double, LaRussa calls on Scott “He Should Have Started This Game” Spiezio to pinch hit for Molina, which forces Bochy to go to his bullpen and pull a double switch, removing Piazza from the game. So, Bochy has removed Piazza and Blum, both of whom have hit well today. I hope this comes back to bite him in his ass. Actually, I don't really care where it bites him. I just hope it hurts.
3:57
Bochy's over managing pays off as Alan Embree strikes out Spiezio. The Cardinals are down to their last six outs and I'm down to my last beer. Something's got to give.
Oh yeah, and one more time for the cheap seats: Fuck!
4:02
Miller mentions that the reason the Padres carry three catchers is because of Mike Piazza. Miller says the Padres needed a catcher who could play defense. (That was definitely a shot.)
Meanwhile, Chris Duncan fucks up another play in left. Hey, at least he's consistent. Runner on first, one out and Dave Roberts bunts the man over.
Two outs.
I guess they're playing for the insurance run. Personally, if I were Roberts, I would have taken my chances with left field. Just my opinion and all.
4:05
I don't know who Maury Wills is, but he's been mentioned more than the Gateway Arch and the Mississippi River combined. Apparently, Maury has something to do with Dave Roberts. I'm clueless, here. Don't know what they're talking about. But at least they bring it up every inning. That's nice.
4:07
Looper gets out of the inning. There're six outs to go for the Cardinals. Get ready for some serious over managing. If we win this game, LaRussa will have at least one new book written about him. You can take that to the bank and stamp it. I mean, there are no odds. It's a given (and yes, I'm a little buzzed, thanks for asking).
4:09
LaRussa brings in So Taguchi, so Bochy pulls Alan Embree. And the over managing continues. I'm sorry, but when So Taguchi inspires you to make a pitching change, you're thinking too much. Of course, I could see why a manager would want to over think when playing against LaRussa. I mean, everyone wants a book deal (myself included).
4:11
Time for my famous, “So Taguchi Song.”
“So, So, So, So So Taguchi, he's a demon on wheels.
So, So, So, So So Taguchi, he plays in the outfield.
Here he comes, here comes Taguchi,
He's an Asian with wheels.
So, So, So, So So Taguchi, he plays in the outfield.”
I wrote that.
(And yes, my mom is proud. So there.)
4:13
So Taguchi hits a solo homerun. I cannot fucking believe it. I'm singing that song the rest of the game (by the way, it's sung to the tune of “The Speed Racer” theme song. In case you want to sing along).
4:16
Eckstein hits ball four for a groundout and Chris Duncan follows the act by swinging at two crappy pitches in the dirt before drawing a walk. The shadows have crept in and it is now difficult to hit. Nevertheless, Pujols is up. Can he come through again? Can he come through again?
(Please God, let him come through again.)
4:19
Pujols hits in to a double play.
Fuck!!!
4:27
Two on, one out and it's time for LaRussa to remove new pitcher Tyler Johnson.
By the way, after Pujols hit into a double play, the fans in St. Louis lost their collective will to live. Busch Stadium is as quiet as a library right now.
4:31
LaRussa brings in Brad Thompson, who looks so young, he still gets carded for R rated movies (I didn't make that up?he actually said that earlier in the season).
4:33
Thompson walks the bases loaded so he can face the whitest guy ever named Khalil with one out. I want to throw up.
4:37
Brad Thompson strikes out Khalil with the bases loaded. Two outs. My heart is beating through my chest.
4:38
Thompson gets out of the inning. Three outs to go. It's do or die? I mean, do or play tomorrow. Anyway, it's important.
And I'm officially out of beer.
4:43
Edmonds flies out, Rolen grounds out, Encarnacion strikes out. And there will be a game four.
This is the last running diary I'll do while baseball is still being played in the majors, and I think we need to end it on the appropriate note.
Fuck!!!!