The McRib Sandwich or My Absent Father?
Very hard to get a hold of. / Rarely available but never disappears forever. / Covered in BBQ sauce.
Comedy Writing
Universal Movie Monsters Slide into the Heroine’s DMs Years Later
Mina, it's me Drac! 479 is the new 35! Please message me back. I’m going batshit crazy without you.
I’m the Fly on the Wall and Trust Me You Do NOT Want to Be Me
I spend most of my time trying to escape the room so I don’t have to listen, but the door is always closed.
It’s Totally Fine That He Didn’t Text Me Back
Alright, let me check my phone. No response? That’s completely cool. I’ll just play with my dog for a little bit.
We’re Sorry Our Roombas Are Killing You, But There’s Absolutely Nothing We Can Do
We want to make one thing perfectly clear: We will not be recalling our Roombas no matter how violent they get.
An Open Letter to the Friend Who Merely “Liked” My Happy Birthday Post on Facebook
I thought long and hard about what kind of birthday message to send you. Then I waited for what seemed like decades to receive your reply.