By contributing writer Pat Francart

“Fuck, I’m tired.”
That’s what your mom said after I railed her last night.”
“My mom’s dead.”
“Shit.”

The “your mom” joke is the oldest and best joke in the book. Whether you’re drinking at a party, attending a wedding, getting married, wandering the street, riding the bus or bored in class, inserting a perfect mom into everyday conversation is the best way to immediately get laid.

I’ve been working hard on the following formula for years, and the fact that I currently have 12,000 hot girlfriends is a testament to its effectiveness. So, if you feel like you want rise above the rest—if you want to be a true success story—follow these guidelines, deliver the MILF to end all your moms, and bask in lifelong happiness and fulfillment.

THE DELIVERY

1. Step back and look for the sucker.

This is a tough step. You’ve got to remain cool and collected, even if you have the your mom of the century boiling in your guts. The idea is to think of yourself as a secret agent. If you’re a secret agent, you’re not going to get all excited and pee your pants. You’re going to stand there and say badass shit in a deep voice. So bring along a big cigar and smoke it real slowly. Try slicking your hair back or unbuttoning your second button (do not pop your collar).


Good thing too, 'cause I was getting tired of doing all the work.

Once you feel cool enough, start looking around at the people you’re with. Is someone talking too much? Wearing knee socks? Or maybe one of those fucking plaid fedoras? That’s the sucker. The key is to find the dickhead that no one wants to listen to, talk to, or look at. Then everyone will be on your side when you bring down the fucking house.


2. Wait for the opening.

It’s tough to know what opening to go for. Typically the sucker leaves many. If you go for the wrong one, you could ruin the potential for a badass your mom. Don’t get too excited, lest you shoot one off before the time is right (like I did with your mom last night) and look like a jackass. Look for the opening that’s easy to exploit…like your mom.

“Any sentence that explicitly deals with a ham sandwich.”
“Ham sandwich…that reminds me of your mom’s vagina.”

Bad opening:

“Damn, I failed my last anatomy test.”
“That’s what your mom said last night, so I figured I’d give her a lesson and, needless to say, the situation ended in rough sex. Your mom likes it rough. And in the butt. She likes it rough in the butt.”

The perfect opening is usually the simplest:

“I want to fucking pound that asshole.”
“I pounded your mom last night.”


3. Tip off a buddy.

You might want to let someone know something’s going down just before you drop your mom. This ensures that at least one person will laugh at your joke. You can do this with a simple elbow jab or head nod, but make sure you don’t do anything weird, like misjudge your buddy’s height and elbow him in the balls.


4. Look cool.

After you unleash a good your mom, it’s important to follow it up by looking fucking cool. The idea is that when everyone turns to look at you after you burn the shit out of the sucker, you look like a total badass. Don’t smile; you’ll look too smug. Maybe bring one of those switchblade combs and slide it through your hair. Be ready with some sexy sunglasses you can slide on real fast, then lean back and cross your arms. Nod your head slowly. If you succeed, everyone should start clapping.

As I stated earlier, problems can arise if someone’s mom happens to be dead. It’s a pretty awkward situation when you drop a stinger your mom and just as you’re slipping on your shades, the sucker tells you his mom has cancer. If you take proper precautions, however, you can easily avoid this situation.

PRECAUTIONS

1. Test the water.

Once you’ve established the sucker, it’s important to establish his mom situation. You can start by sneaking the topic of dead relatives into the conversation.

Example:

“That blonde chick is fucking hot.”
“So, who’s got dead parents?”

Undetectable. Even if the people around you think you’re a creep for a few minutes, they’ll soon be bowing at your feet when you “drop the momb.”

Often, the opening arises so unexpectedly that you don’t have time for all this subtlety. You have to deliver the mom without any precautions. Here’s how to save the situation if the mom in question hasn’t been in any bed except for one of earth and worms.


2. Prepare to save face.

Even the best offense still needs a solid defense, so always anticipate that your joke may to fall flat at the feet of a family tragedy. Here’s how to save the situation.

Blow the issue off:

“I fucked your mom.”
“My mom’s dead.”
“Well I fucked her anyway.”

Get sappy:

“My mom’s dead.”
“Awww, I’m sorry to hear that. Here, let me play the world’s smallest violin for you, pussy.”

Always wear a suit:

“My mom’s dead.”
“I know. I just came from the funeral.”

No matter how you look at it, there's a win-win even your mom would be proud of…if she hadn’t swallowed all her pride last night. (Slip on the sunglasses and high five.)

Delivering an amazing your mom is an integral aspect of American culture. It’s a rite of passage to a brighter, more fulfilling life. Keep these simple rules in mind and you’ll be an asshole in no time.

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