I‘ve mentioned before how people these days are obsessed with ordering extra large beverage sizes, but now it's getting out of hand. Fast food restaurants and convenience stores are actually scaring people with the size of their soft drinks!

The other day I saw a little girl super-size her Happy Meal® at McDonald's. The cashier then placed a giant 128-ounce, steel-reinforced mini-keg of Coke on the counter in front of her. She immediately started crying and the Coke popped giant carbonation bubbles at her face in a symbolic show of power. For God's sake, it's a HAPPY meal! And now kids can't even super-size unsupervised!

Or take 7-Eleven for example: Big Gulps used to be the beasts of soft drinks at 48 ounces each. Now they're just literally big beasts, weighing in close to the size of a small dog. I saw a guy set his Big Gulp on the kitchen counter at work the other day while he opened the refrigerator, and when he went back to the counter, I wasn't sure who was going to pick up who. The two stood there in tense silence while the guy eased closer to the handle like a 10-year-old boy pets his neighbor's Doberman for the first time. Then he began adjusting his hair in his soft drink reflection.

Even if you haven't ever been scared by the size of your drink, you have to admit you've been wowed by the size of one lately. Sometimes people actually get embarrassed at how much they get when they super-size a fast food combo, so they'll make awkward excuses for looking like a soft drink pig by saying things like, “Geez, this won't even fit in my cupholder!” Or, “Wow! Who could ever drink THAT much!” Or perhaps you've witnessed classic gestures like the hands to the chest “is-that-really-MY-drink?” or the two-handed “can-it-really-hold-that-much?!” cup inspection.

However you look at it, the conflict between capitalist restaurants, power-hungry sodas, and fearfully-thirsty customers is escalating.

So, do everyone a favor and have some liquor. Then maybe hard drinks will go the way of soft drinks. Because I can't remember the last time a bartender tried to scare me with the size of a shot.


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