Well, after 15 years of marriage, Penelope and I have decided to call it quits. We had a good run. It was a tough decision, but overall, it was the right thing to do. Now, she can go off and do her own thing, while I finally dedicate more time and energy on my spellcasting (I’m a wizard). But until then, it appears we both have hit a bit of a roadblock. For the past few days, we’ve been rummaging through our belongings, and have been feuding nonstop over who should get what.

So far, I’ve had zero issue with her keeping most of our things. She can have the coffee table. She can have the sofa. However, what she can’t have is stuff that is straight up mine. Stuff that she didn’t buy and has no business keeping.

It’s genuinely mind-blowing that she thinks she can just take my shit. Like, it’s unreal. The other day, she was going through our closet. And at one point, she pulled out a magical wand and goes, “Is this mine or yours?” I’m not even kidding. That was a real question she asked. I’m like, “Uh, gee, I wonder who the magical wand belongs to? The wizard or Penelope?” Like, come on. Be serious.

Yesterday, we got into a nasty argument about who should keep the enchanted spell book. Yeah, I know. Can you believe that? What is she gonna do with an enchanted spell book? She doesn’t even know how to cast spells. And if she did, the only spell she’d know is one that makes my checkbook disappear.

It doesn’t end there. Later, we fought over the potion-brewing stand. I tried to calmly explain to her, “Honey, I’m a wizard. I brew potions. I need the potion-brewing stand.” And you know what she said to me? “Well, you’re not the only one who likes to brew potions, you know.”

Never… and I mean… never… in my 15 years of marriage to Penelope have I ever seen her once open my enchanted cookbook and brew a mystical potion on my brewing stand. You know why? It’s not hers! It’s mine! I am a wizard! She’s not! The overall pettiness on her part during this entire process has been a joke. God, sometimes she makes me wanna hop on my flying broomstick and never come back.

Oh, yeah! Did I mention she tried to take my broomstick too? Unbelievable. She hated flying on it! And if she did keep it, then it would probably just collect dust in her new apartment with Greg (don’t get me started on him).

Look, at the end of the day, I will always love Penelope. She’s the mother of my children for Christ’s sake. But this behavior needs to stop. To be honest… I don’t think she genuinely wants any of my stuff. I think she just wants to hurt me. Like imagine… imagine if I was just as petty as her. Like imagine if I tried to keep something that so obviously belonged to her… like her earrings or whatever. You know what? I might just do that. I’m done being the bigger person. I’m gonna do that next time I see her.