In a field in Eastern Somerset

Mike

Oioioi. What's up there, Harold?

Harold

Oh. Heya Mike. How are you?

Mike

What's this I've been hearing eh? What's this, eh-eh?

Harold

What? Oh… right. Alice, right? Is it Alice?

Mike

Geeze, Harold! How'd you do it? Every time? Every. Bloody. Time.

Harold

I don't know; I enjoy their company, quite timid when I want to be. I guess they like that sort of thing.

Mike

Two ‘n a ‘alf right, mate! Then treat ‘em like a sack o' garbage, eh? Haha! Pump ‘em and dump ‘em!

I could have made something out of that fine piece of tail, instead she gets an oversensitive, blubbering vagina who's only had sex with one rabbit?!Harold

I wouldn't go that far. I just can't do the relationship thing. Don't want to hurt them. They seem to know the game by now, so…

Mike

Hmm-hmmm, yessir. Good ol' Alice, eh? How's she rate? For me a seven, but I still definitely would. I so definitely fucking would! Rrrrright up there!

Harold

Huh? Oh, right. Yeah. So how's life treating you otherwise?

Mike

So that's Alice, Mary, and Nicole in less than a week! It's not even Spring yet! Geez, Harold, bloody marvellous. I had me a bit of Nicole last year, my hat off to you sir; she'd been around a bit, but she still needed a good going over. I saw to that, eh Harold?

Harold

You did, did you?

Mike

Well, a litter of 26, you tell me, haha!

Harold

Oh, yeah. Well, that's pretty good. I'm happy for you. Congratulations.

Mike

But of course, of course. Oh, hey, look out, that twat friend of yours is coming. Shit-boring twat alert! Neeee-naaaan!

Harold

Shut up, Mike. Christ. Heya Leonard.

Leonard

Heya Harold. How's it going?

Harold

Not bad, my friend. You?

Leonard

Yeah, y'know. Mike…

Mike

Harold

What you been up to?

Leonard

Well, that's why I'm here. Had a bit of an "encounter" last night. With Philipa.

Mike

Wha—?!

Harold

Well I'll be, that's a turn for the books. Good on you, Lennie!

Leonard

I was, er… wondering if I could ask some advice…

Mike

What?! You and Philippa? How did that happen? What did you do to her!?

Harold

I think that's between Leonard and Philipa.

Mike

How did you fuck her?!

Harold

Mike…

Leonard

Well… er… not to divulge too much, but she's not exactly the prude we all thought she was. She was, er, quite a handful, actually. I couldn't "see to her needs," as it was. I was quite put off, to be honest. She was nothing like Rosie, not in the slightest. I just didn't know what to do.

Harold

Oh dear Leonard, haha. No, you definitely shouldn't be expecting a doe like Rosie this lifetime—you were one lucky bunny, I can tell you that, finding a doe like her. But it's been three years now, Leonard… she'd want you to move on. So, what chapters were in store for you with Philipa?

Leonard

She, erm, just started getting real aggressive. Asking me to do this to her harder, bite down on that with more pressure, grab hold of her tail and make her my… well, I don't see any need to continue. I mean, she's a lovely…

Mike

OH FUCK THAT!! DETAAAILLLSSSSSS!! GORY AND EXSSSSPLISSSSIT DETAAAILLLLSSSSS!!!

Harold

Mike… leave Leonard alone.

Leonard

It's alright. I mean… she just… started crying…

Harold

She's missing Timothy, I should imagine. It was only so long since he was crushed by a combine harvester.

Mike

Hahahaha.

Leonard

It freaked me out a bit. So… I…

Mike

Freaky, dirty, bitch! You fuckstick, Leonard! Whatchoo shooda done is… Yeah… Lift the tail… Yeah… Smack the anus… Yeah… Then…

Leonard

I… I don't think… I mean, if she was crying before…

Mike

Shut up. Let me do my thing. Yeah… Like that… Foreplay… Lubrication, natural, of course… No KY in fisting… There might be a K.

Harold

Ugh—

Mike

Nothing but net, SHWISH!

Leonard

I think your mother raised you wrong or your dad didn't teach you enough.

Mike

What are you talkin' about? I know what I'm doin'. Two minutes o' this, preheat the oven, then it's time for the freaknasty.

Harold

Mike, I think we've had enough of you now. You're not helping.

Mike

I'm giving him my expertise. It's not my fault they cream for my genes. I could have made something out of that fine piece of tail, instead she gets an oversensitive, blubbering vagina who's only had sex with one rabbit… WHAT THE FUCK?!

Harold

Need I bring into play what they've said about you, Mike? You don't have the tender lover's touch. This stuff gets around, you know. Probably why Philipa has never been interested in you.

Mike

Shut up! I deserved them. I deserve them all! Philipa doesn't know what she's missing! I'll make her cry for my rabbit-hood now that she's suffered Leonard's misappropriation. Not because I don't know what I'm doing, Harold, but for what she's been missing out on all this time!

Harold

Mike!

Leonard

You're out of order, Mike. It was all quite traumatic. I had to comfort her all night.

Mike

I bet you did, you dirty old pervert. You dick! You FUCKING ASSHAT!!

Leonard

Oh, I've had enough of this.

Mike

THAT WAS MY PUSSY, ASSHAT!!

Harold

By Hazel's eyes, Mike. She had some say in it. Can't you just be happy for Leonard? I mean, is it a relationship or what? She must think something of you, no?

Leonard

I don't know. She calmed down, said she's liked me for a while now… I mean, she's nice and all… I just don't know. I do care for her.

Mike

MINE, YOU BASTARD!!!

Harold

For Christ's sake, you have 26 kids and three others on the go—I think you're doing just fine where you're at. I also reckon she's out of your league, the way you parade yourself, Mike. You're not an alpha male, you're an average height, rather portly buck with an IQ of 86 who lays the insides of warrens for a living!

Mike

Yeah, well, you have a tiny member and an ugly face, let's see who gets lucky first!!

Harold

You want to put some carrots on this wager?

Mike

MIIIIIIIIIIIIINE! FUCKING LEONARD!

(Breaks down and sings "Bright Eyes" from Watership Down in teary, hushed tones)

Leonard

I'll catch you later Harold, nice seeing you as always. Fuck you, Mike.

Mike

…!!!

Harold

(Walks off, looks at Mike and shakes head. Mike stands up, exits the other way)

END

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