8:00am: Turn off girlfriend's alarm.

8:05: Watch girlfriend eat cereal; potential column about differences in male/female chewing patterns pops into head.

8:10: Fall back asleep as girlfriend goes to shower.

8:35: Watch girlfriend dry hair with abnormally loud hairdryer. Wonder if whoever came up with phrase "bunch of hot air" ever heard hair dryer blowing three feet from their head.

8:45: Kiss girlfriend goodbye with morning breath. Laugh as she recoils in disgust. Potential fake news article: "Breaking News: Troops Stop Brushing Teeth, Enemies Flee! In related news, Colgate goes bankrupt."

Commence depressing visual calculation: fifteen flopping dicks + four tits = gay. 9:00: Wake in cold sweat after dreaming FCC gained control over internet content.

9:30: Spider on ceiling; replay The Simpsons Movie "Spider Pig" scene in head. Laugh stupidly.

10:30: Roll out of bed. Game plan: find clean boxers, locate Gatorade for hangover, kill spider on ceiling.

10:31: Spider is long gone. Replay The Simpsons Movie "Spider Pig" scene in head. Laugh stupidly.

10:35: After extensive three second search, put on old boxers.

10:36: Take swig of Gatorade. Remember that we mixed vodka with Gatorade. Justify finishing by telling self "it will make writing funnier."

10:40: Neglect breakfast on basis that Gatorade/vodka has enough calories to satisfy my rapidly deteriorating muscles.

10:45: Shower sandal breaks. Humorous-but-creepy image pops into head of Athlete's Foot Soldiers battling valiant Soap Suds. Both sides retreat as bathroom door opens.

10:46: Tell still-drunk-from-last-night friend that the girl he hooked up with last night was gorgeous. Ponder how many times I will have to tell that lie before he stops drinking Everclear. Picture drunken hook-up as cow, udders flapping in wind. Testicles retreat into stomach.

10:58: Finish shower. Do obligatory penis twirl in mirror. Dry off.

11:04: Sit down with laptop in friend's room because my demon-possessed air conditioner spits sulfuric acid in my eyes.

11:05: Note to self: pull an Office Space on demonic air conditioner.

11:15: Can't think of anything funny to write. Watch episode of Entourage to get inspired.

11:45: Realize Entourage isn't so much funny as it is awesome. Google pictures of fat people.

Two obese girls in pickup truck

11:47: Fat people are gross. Note to self: do three hours of abs before dinner.

12:04pm: Hark! A vague idea! Decide to turn "Green Eggs and Ham" into drinking poem called "Cold Beer in Cans."

12:07: Ponder potential rhymes to replace "Sam-I-am." Buzzed-I-was…no. Slammed-I-am…maybe. Hammered-I-stammered…gay.

12:15: Place poem idea into 15 gigabyte "to do" folder.

12:18: Decide to write self-help article on creating band names. Figure I should come up with some first…Mutated Hamsters and the Carrot Famine…Everybody's Favorite Chode… Munchkins in Rehab…Evaporated Back Sauce…Rapidly Evolving Aardvarks…The Beatles… Sinful Testicles and the Long Road Home…Impure Tomatoes…

12:30: Lunch break!

12:40: Imagine Subway guy as a sheep; start "ba-a-a-a-a-ing" out loud.

12:41: Decide I need to drink less.

12:44: Fill water cup with Dr. Pepper for 8,000th time. Realize this is not only unclever but disgustingly cheap.

12:50: Enter bathroom. Chase pee bubbles in toilet for 8,000th time. Realize this is not only neurotic but extremely childish.

12:51: Look to right. See spider on wall. Replay The Simpsons Movie "Spider Pig" scene in head. Laugh stupidly.

1:05: Purposely stop at yellow light to observe old Asian lady in car next to me.

1:06: Try to figure out why I thought she'd be worth observing.

1:10: Arrive home. See girlfriend's car. Become confused.

1:12: Enter room. Girlfriend is getting dressed into athletic clothes. Realize I must have forgotten afternoon plan.

1:14: Change into athletic clothes.

1:15: Girlfriend perplexed. Apparently by changing I am going go to gym as well.

1:25: Pull into gym. Find it odd we drove somewhere to work out.

1:30: Go to treadmill area. Commence ogling. Begin analyzing equation for "hotness of ass" to "closeness to front window."

Hot girls on treadmills

1:31: Brain is too focused on first part of equation.

1:32: Easily calculate new equation: boner + athletic shorts = bad.

1:40: Go to punching-bag room to imitate cool martial arts moves.

1:41: Gain new respect for martial arts.

1:52: Decide to drink one beer for each guy at gym wearing high school football "State Champions" cut-off t-shirt.

1:58: Apparently every high school football team in state of Washington won State last year.

1:59: Realize death is probable if previously mentioned amount of beer is imbibed.

2:25: Realize I just spent an hour wandering around talking to people. Stretch out face muscles to decrease soreness.

2:30: Go to 7-11 for post-workout Slurpees.

2:34: Grasp fact that not all convenient store owners know Apu from The Simpsons. Replay The Simpsons Movie "Spider Pig" scene in head. Laugh stupidly.

3:00: Arrive home. Get down to serious writing. Begin penning article about spiking an elementary school's apple juice supply.

3:05: Realize not all people appreciate dark humor. Decide to write funny story.

3:10: Get through awesome first paragraph about when roommate and I were hammered and jumped a construction fence and drove a mini-crane into a row of Honey Buckets.

3:14: Imagine myself getting gang-raped in prison. Delete first paragraph.

3:15: Fuck this; more band names…Furrowed Brows and the Botox of Tomorrow…Ironically Clever Wittiness…Walt Disney's Prozac…Sexually-Frustrated Mountains and Assaulted Pine Trees…Integrity Juice…Intelligent Drunkards Stumbling North…

3:30: Think about how cool it is to write for living.

3:31: Realize I haven't been paid yet.

3:32: Thank God for the ability to lie to myself.

5:50: Realize I just watched Van Wilder for the fourth time this month.

Van Wilder movie

6:00: Arm pits smell. Need to shower.

6:01: Fuck – broken shower sandal; flashback to vision of Athlete's Foot Soldiers battling valiant Soap Suds.

6:02: Notice white mold growing on ceiling. Valiant Soap Suds and Athlete's Foot Soldiers are run over by Anthrax Tank.

6:03: Hark! An idea!

6:05: Race back to laptop to write article about fungus war under toenail from view of sports commentator.

6:06: "Well Tom, the Athlete's Foot came on strong in the secondary but were no match for the – new mail!

6:08: Dammit; just spam.

6:10: New mail!

6:11: Dammit; just Viagra.

6:12: Hark! Penis jokes are always winners!

6:14: Embark upon penis-joke column. Begin with quote.

6:15: "Every time a penis gets erect, an angel gets…"

6:16: New mail!

6:18: No, I don't want to participate in a contest to win free movie tickets. Replay The Simpsons Movie "Spider Pig" scene in head. Laugh stupidly.

6:21: New mail!

6:23: Decide I will never fly Nigerian Air due to sudden deaths of 3,000 wealthy Nigerians in need of American bank account to wire money through.

6:29: Friend gets back from work; asks if I am writing in his room again because of demonic air conditioner.

6:30: Say "yes."

6:31: Friend does not believe me. Friend goes to see for himself.

7:31: Friend returns, bleeding from various orifices, out of breath and missing an arm.

7:34: Decide to write screenplay parody of Lord of the Rings with demonic air conditioner as Mt. Doom, two gnats as Frodo and Sam, and ring of power as single Honey Nut Cheerio—the power of temptation to not eat it shall be overwhelming for the hungry gnats, and they will need the mighty Aragorn (now in fly version) to guide them. Gollum will be played by…

7:49: Beer Pong!

8:15: Aforementioned friend with newly re-grown arm and I are partners. Theme is "The Hamptons."

8:16: Open investment bank to keep with theme.

8:45: Begin drinking heavily just as previous night's hangover is packing its suitcase.

9:00: Ponder Rudy-esque story about beer pong… "All Allen had ever wanted was to play beer pong for Pi Kappa Alpha…he had been training since his mom put rum in his milk bottle as a baby to make him shut the fuck up…he had a best friend who had passed away from cirrhosis of the liver, but it didn't matter—he was determined…he was going to make the-"

9:50: We're going streaking!

Streaking guys

10:00: Decide if I can't make a humor piece out of current situation I should sell paper.

10:10: Commence depressing visual calculation: fifteen flopping dicks + four tits = gay.

10:20: Direct reader's attention to usage of word "flopping" in previous sentence with regard to my dick.

10:21: Take four Aspirin.

10:30: Join in flip cup tournament.

10:32: Accidentally use glass in place of plastic keg cup. Make "Flip Glass" joke. Play laugh track in head.

10:53: Join in game of King's Cup.

11:02: Lose function of brain hemisphere responsible for creating questions, rhymes, and the ability to ask why three shots of rum are awarded to player who draws the seven of clubs.

11:12: Begin playing quarters because even the mentally-handicapped can play.

11:13: Gain new appreciation for Special Olympics.

11:20: Begin playing Allen Waters' original drinking game, Beer Roulette, where you shake up one beer, place it in a box with 5 others, then all draw one out and open it over your head.

11:21: Pick shaken beer.

11:23: Pick shaken beer.

11:25: Pick shaken beer.

11:27: Pick shaken beer.

11:29: Realize I am playing alone.

11:45: Laugh so hard that visual function becomes severely impaired.

11:46: High-five a tree.

11:47: Tree high-fives back.

11:48: Put down peace pipe borrowed from Indian housemate.

11:50: Continue laughing.

11:51: Completely forget why I am laughing; start to retrace steps from…

11:53: We're going streaking!!!

12:05am: Balls hurt.

12:10: Crude remarks begin about ways female could make balls feel better.

12:11: Only girlfriend laughs.

12:25: Annoying tiredness kicks in.

12:27: Take care of annoyance with two Red Bulls.

12:50: Come out of drunken blackout. Apparently we are star-gazing at Husky Stadium.

12:56: See northern star.

12:57: Focus eyes.

Flashlight in eyes

12:58: See flashlight.

12:59: Focus eyes more.

1:00: See police flashlight.

1:21: Somehow find myself hiding in a tree in on campus. Vaguely remember running from policeman…

1:22: We're going streaking!!!

1:23: Oh Jesus Christ not again…

1:24: Nevermind. Neighbors are going streaking.

1:29: Arrive back in room. Realize I haven't written anything yet.

1:31: Pray to Dave Barry…

1:32: Focus drunken mind…

1:36: My fingers look like a guitar solo on the keyboard.

1:37: I am hilarious. Everything I type is perfect. I am unstoppable.

1:38: Red Bull #3.

1:39: I am master of uniquely funny observation.

1:40: Red Bull #4.

1:41: Everybody will relate to my humorous analogies.

3:45: Snap out of daze. I have just typed 27 single-spaced pages consisting of 12,479 words: six humor columns, three drunken personality observations, two short stories, four poems, thirteen drunken haikus, eight jokes, fifteen quotes, a brief history of rim-jobs, and an insight into the mind of a deranged hamster name Jebidiah.

3:46: Pop three times the recommended dose of sleeping pills to counteract 800mg of caffeine coursing through veins.

3:47: Fall asleep.

5:35: Wake as demonic air conditioner spits sulfuric acid into eyes.

6:08: Can't sleep. Replay The Simpsons Movie "Spider Pig" scene in head. Laugh stupidly.

8:00am: Turn off girlfriend's alarm.