The Pineapple Penis Story
On Christmas Eve Day one time when I was about 16, my friend and I decided to ruin Christmas for a stranger. Noble goal, I know. And it turns out it's easier than you think.
Archive: 2008
How to Get Laid Without Being a Dick, Part II
In <a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/blogs/xavier-holland/how-get-laid-without-being-dick-part-i">part I</a>, I rambled aimlessly and advised against seeing getting laid as something competitive. Here are a few more tips:<p><strong>Pay Attention</strong></p>
Episode 9: Oh, Christmas Pineapple!
Look out, ladies! The Man is on the prowl and he's hungry. Hungry for cheap drunken Christmas party ass. And for the first time in his life, he has a foolproof, non-fail plan to initiate conversation with the goddesss Mary of the Office.
I Am Having Fun at This Party!
Sometimes a party is so super fun, you need to tell everyone what a good time you're having. What most people don't realize is that there is a code of conduct for showing your joy. Here are the four different kinds of parties and how to show your apprecia
A Raging Debate That Needs Answers
<p>So a heated debate has been taking place between my friends, and I thought I would turn to the internet for answers.<br />
It’s Okay to F***
Don't look at failing as failure. Look at it as a learning experience. Unless you're failing to hit the brakes just before an oncoming freight train, failure isn't a life or death situation. You'll be okay.
Drunk Girl vs. Pregnant Girl
Up until now there has been little scientific evidence on the mental and physical differences between drunken girls and pregnant girls. Here, presented in full, is the first ever interview with Ms. Drunk and Ms. Pregnancy.
A Shot, A Beer and Some Therapy
<p>People don't come to bars just to get drunk, hit on yetis, avoid their wives and shit on the windows. Since they're generally boring and/or revolting, they come to talk. When it's slow and I can't avoid them by flirting with 19-year-old NYU students or by counting ice cubes, I have to listen. Why do people think I care about their ex-wives, boy-toys or other problems? </p>
Christmas Songs are Bullshit, Part 3: Holly Jolly Political Incorrectness
<p>After a few years of listening to this thing over and over again, I have come to some conclusions about the Christmas song <em>Holly Jolly Christmas</em>. And I know you'll be surprised to hear this, but I believe that <em>Holly Jolly Christmas</em> is a ploy by degenerates to get people drunk and taken advantage of. I mean, just look at the lyrics here:</p>
Non-Essay Questions
<p>If you're in university, you're probably finishing up finals and getting ready to go home. If you're not, and I'm entertaining you during your boring workday, you're probably just slacking off until your weekend -- as usual. Well, here are some easy questions that won't factor into your final grade or annual performance report...</p>
Christmas Songs are Bullshit, Part 2: The Little Drummer Lie
<p>After a few years of listening to this thing over and over again, I have come to some conclusions about the Christmas song <em>The Little Drummer Boy</em>. And I know you'll be surprised to hear this, but I believe that <em>The Little Drummer Boy</em> is a bullshit story. Let's look at the lyrics shall we?</p>
It’s Not Me, It’s You
<p>It's not you, it's me. Just kidding, it's you. You've been holding me back. I have inspirations, I have dreams! There are so many insights that I can't achieve with you in my life—like having sex with all the Playboy Bunnies. It's not that you're holding me back; it's that with you present in my life I can't do anything. It'll be easier without you. I have to do things on my own