So You Saw Your Roommate's Penis

By featured writer Jake Christie

One of the first things college students give up when moving to campus is a large measure of their privacy. Standard dormitory doubles, triples, and even suites leave very
little space to each resident. Most students adapt over the course of a few weeks; you and your new roommates quickly learn how to leave each other with enough space.

Eventually, though, no matter how many precautions you take, the unthinkable will happen. Your roommate will step out of bed one morning, and your
eyes will just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. It will happen almost in slow motion. He will throw up the blanket, toss one leg out of the bed, and
inadvertently expose you to what we call, in strictly medical terms, his Floppy Nads.

DON'T PANIC.

Your first instinct is going to be to leap out of bed, run to your window, and jump to your death. This is a bad choice of action. For one thing,
if you don't have a window, you will run directly into the wall. For another, it will draw attention to the fact that you did, in fact, see your roommate's penis. By the same
vein (no pun intended), any kind of noise you make is going to cause your roommate to look at you, instead of doing what you want him to do, which is remove his gonads from your
field of vision. STAY CALM. Try to go back to sleep; in some cases it is possible to convince yourself that this was all just a horrible, horrible dream.

AVOID MENTIONING IT, EVER.

Confrontation may seem like a good idea—a proper way of "clearing the air." Wrong. As awkward as the situation is for you, it will be far
more awkward if you tell your roommate that you accidentally bought a full-frontal ticket to Danglytown. Imagine the next time you eat breakfast together.... You're sitting
there, in silence. He's thinking, "Is he thinking about my penis?" You're thinking, "Does he think I'm thinking about his penis?" You bite into a plump breakfast sausage. The
tension is palpable. Eventually, you drop out of school and get a job slinging novelty license plate frames in Reno. Yeah, telling him was a real smart
move. Do yourself a pre-emptive favor and never bring it up, ever.

This may seem like a contradiction to the "don't panic" rule, but there is a difference between acting like seeing your roommate's penis is the end
of the world, and acting like it is the coolest thing in the world. Don't make any jokes about it when his girlfriend is around (i.e., "So baby, do you want to see what it's like to be with a man who doesn't have an
incredibly misshapen junkbag?"). Don't offer to pick him up a pack of "snug fit" condoms, the kind you "know he must have to use." Don't CafePress a pin that says, "Ask me about
my roommate's penis." You know, just use common sense.

STOP COMPARING IT TO YOURS.

Don't give me that look of contempt, dude. I know it's the first thing you did. You whipped out the mental ruler faster than a schoolhouse teacher.
Of course there's going to be a few comparisons, a few questions: Is it bigger than mine? Is it better looking than mine? Why doesn't it have that big thing on it like mine? You have to know
that you will never be happy with the answers to these questions. It's best to clear it out of your head early and come to terms with the fact that, yeah, you saw your
roommate's penis, but with any luck you can erase the (metaphorical) scars that it left.

TAKE STEPS TO ENSURE THAT YOU ARE UNLIKELY TO EVER SEE IT AGAIN.

Remember, prevention is the best medicine. Consider going to sleep with duct tape over your eyes. Suggest to your roommate that he start wearing a
chastity belt, "For shits and giggles." If all else fails, terminate your housing contract and move off campus. Look for an apartment that you can share with a bevy of
attractive CO-EDs, or, at worst, a friendly eunuch. A little harsh? Maybe. More expensive than freshman housing? Probably. But can you really put a price on the peace of mind
that comes with knowing that the only penis you have to worry about seeing is your own?

Continue to The Great Roommate Sex Escape »