Order Your Robot Girlfriend Today!

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Hello, college student. If you have a few moments, I’ve got an exciting new offer I’d like to tell you about.

College is an important and frightening time for this nation’s young people. Your bodies are changing and consuming a far wider array of
strange substances than they used to. With hours of class and homework, a part-time job to bring in a little extra cash, and time spent hanging out with new friends,
you’ve barely got enough time for yourself...let alone enough time to forge a relationship. Many young people find themselves single, alone, crying onto the pages of a Maxim magazine in the
dark corners of their room. And I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be that way.

Are you single? Would you like a girlfriend? Do you have a trust fund?

Maybe a robot girlfriend is the right choice for you.

Our patented robot girlfriends provide all the benefits of a human girlfriend, without the unnecessary hassles of “dating” or
“putting on pants.” A robot girlfriend could be your own personal path to happiness and enlightenment. It’s easy! Just follow our quick and painless three-step
system.

Step One: Choose a Model

Robot girlfriend technology begins at the same place as traditional dating: shallow physical evaluation. One of the benefits of a robot girlfriend
is that she doesn’t care how you look. Therefore, it’s possible for you to date your own personal supermodel, despite your own lack of strong cheekbones, rock-hard abs, and not having herpes. Our most
popular models are based on celebrities—Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Jenna Jameson—but we also feature a versatile mix-and-match system. Perhaps you’d
like a girlfriend with Elisha Cuthbert’s eyes, Angelina Jolie’s body, Beyonce’s ass, and Jessica Simpson’s legs. That’s fine! The exposed metal and
wiring are barely noticeable.

Robot girlfriends are made from a variety of materials, chosen by our engineers to simulate the actual skin of a human female. Of course, most of
our engineers have never actually touched a female before, but clients have assured us they’re getting “pretty close” with the vulcanized rubber.

Step Two: Choose a Personality

If you’ve had trouble finding a human girlfriend, the problem might stem from personality. As a possible client, we believe that
there’s no way it could possibly be your personality that keeps you single. We find your masturbation habits and collection of Family Guy action figures
charming. To that end, we’ve created a number of personality profiles that you can choose for your new companion. Would you like a girlfriend who simply wants to
have sex all the time? No problem. A girlfriend who laughs at every joke you tell, even when you tell the Aristocrats for fifteen damn minutes and
everyone gets kind of tired of it but nobody wants to tell you so they give you one of those courtesy smirks but you can tell they don’t think it’s funny? Fine. A
girlfriend who is your intellectual equal and challenges you to become a better person every day? Probably. We haven’t gotten a request like that yet. The control is in
your hands.

Sex – Yes, our robot girlfriends are fully capable of having sex! They’ve been programmed to mimic the best adult videos of our
time, so you can finally live out your fantasies of having sex with a disinterested girl who is constantly looking at the camera. She
won’t judge any lewd fetishes or requests that you happen to have. Remember, you’re making love to a computer now; the days of being told you’re pathetic are
over.

Parties – Our robot girlfriends are completely iPod compatible, making them the hit of any party.

Class – The USB ports located just below our girls’ ears allow for the quick transfer of any kind of information. Tests become a
breeze once you’ve got the Cliff’s Notes sitting right next to you. Just make sure to dress her in a skirt, otherwise the print-outs are kind of hard to get to in
the middle of class.

Dating – With the advent of robot girlfriend technology, expensive dinners and shopping-accompaniment no longer have to be part of a
relationship. Sometimes, however, you may feel the need to go out with your mechanical friend. That’s fine! Our products are outfitted to have conversations about any
number of topics, including sports, movies, engineering, robotics, robot programming, robot sales, and why it is a good idea to invest thousands of dollars in robotic
technology. Get ready to make your friends jealous!

THAT’S IT! Your new robot girlfriend is just a large check and three simple steps away.

If you ever get tired of your robot girlfriend, or ever want to become a part of actual society, just turn her off and send her back for absolutely
no kind of refund whatsoever. And really, why would you ever get tired of her? Once you’ve got a large glorified sex toy at your fingertips, you can learn to leave behind
the passé notions of chivalry, going outside, and being a good person. And isn’t that what relationships are all about?

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