By featured writer Jake Christie

Hello, college student. If you have a few moments, I’ve got an exciting new offer I’d like to tell you about.

College is an important and frightening time for this nation’s young people. Your bodies are changing and consuming a far wider array of strange substances than they used to. With hours of class and homework, a part-time job to bring in a little extra cash, and time spent hanging out with new friends, you’ve barely got enough time for yourself…let alone enough time to forge a relationship. Many young people find themselves single, alone, crying onto the pages of a Maxim magazine in the dark corners of their room. And I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be that way.

Are you single? Would you like a girlfriend? Do you have a trust fund?

Maybe a robot girlfriend is the right choice for you.


Robot Girlfriend now available in “9th Grade Dyke Math Teacher on a Stick” model!

Our patented robot girlfriends provide all the benefits of a human girlfriend, without the unnecessary hassles of “dating” or “putting on pants.” A robot girlfriend could be your own personal path to happiness and enlightenment. It’s easy! Just follow our quick and painless three-step system.

Step One: Choose a Model

Robot girlfriend technology begins at the same place as traditional dating: shallow physical evaluation. One of the benefits of a robot girlfriend is that she doesn’t care how you look. Therefore, it’s possible for you to date your own personal supermodel, despite your own lack of strong cheekbones, rock-hard abs, and not having herpes. Our most popular models are based on celebrities—Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Jenna Jameson—but we also feature a versatile mix-and-match system. Perhaps you’d like a girlfriend with Elisha Cuthbert’s eyes, Angelina Jolie’s body, Beyonce’s ass, and Jessica Simpson’s legs. That’s fine! The exposed metal and wiring are barely noticeable.

Robot girlfriends are made from a variety of materials, chosen by our engineers to simulate the actual skin of a human female. Of course, most of our engineers have never actually touched a female before, but clients have assured us they’re getting “pretty close” with the vulcanized rubber.

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Step Two: Choose a Personality

If you’ve had trouble finding a human girlfriend, the problem might stem from personality. As a possible client, we believe that there’s no way it could possibly be your personality that keeps you single. We find your masturbation habits and collection of Family Guy action figures charming. To that end, we’ve created a number of personality profiles that you can choose for your new companion. Would you like a girlfriend who simply wants to have sex all the time? No problem. A girlfriend who laughs at every joke you tell, even when you tell the Aristocrats for fifteen damn minutes and everyone gets kind of tired of it but nobody wants to tell you so they give you one of those courtesy smirks but you can tell they don’t think it’s funny? Fine. A girlfriend who is your intellectual equal and challenges you to become a better person every day? Probably. We haven’t gotten a request like that yet. The control is in your hands.

The personality is uploaded into a computer inside your robot girlfriend’s head. All of our products run Macintosh OS 10, which means they’re very intuitive and easy to interact with. Unfortunately, they aren’t compatible with all kinds of programs, so if you try and get your girlfriend to play Half-Life 2, she will just kind of sit there, staring blankly and whirring. Just like a real girl!

Step Three: Incorporate Your Robot Girlfriend into Everyday Life

After designing your girlfriend, you can either take her out of the showroom or have her shipped via Fed Ex. Then it’s time to start your new life together! Your robot girlfriend can simulate all the best parts of a real relationship:

Sex – Yes, our robot girlfriends are fully capable of having sex! They’ve been programmed to mimic the best adult videos of our time, so you can finally live out your fantasies of having sex with a disinterested girl who is constantly looking at the camera. She won’t judge any lewd fetishes or requests that you happen to have. Remember, you’re making love to a computer now; the days of being told you’re pathetic are over.

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Parties – Our robot girlfriends are completely iPod compatible, making them the hit of any party.

Class – The USB ports located just below our girls’ ears allow for the quick transfer of any kind of information. Tests become a breeze once you’ve got the Cliff’s Notes sitting right next to you. Just make sure to dress her in a skirt, otherwise the print-outs are kind of hard to get to in the middle of class.

Dating – With the advent of robot girlfriend technology, expensive dinners and shopping-accompaniment no longer have to be part of a relationship. Sometimes, however, you may feel the need to go out with your mechanical friend. That’s fine! Our products are outfitted to have conversations about any number of topics, including sports, movies, engineering, robotics, robot programming, robot sales, and why it is a good idea to invest thousands of dollars in robotic technology. Get ready to make your friends jealous!

THAT’S IT! Your new robot girlfriend is just a large check and three simple steps away.

If you ever get tired of your robot girlfriend, or ever want to become a part of actual society, just turn her off and send her back for absolutely no kind of refund whatsoever. And really, why would you ever get tired of her? Once you’ve got a large glorified sex toy at your fingertips, you can learn to leave behind the passé notions of chivalry, going outside, and being a good person. And isn’t that what relationships are all about?

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