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Since all of
Gaudio's financial difficulties have left him seemingly no
closer to calling, browsing and pushing buttons on a human
Blackberry (keep up now), I suppose the onus falls on me to explore
the dark side of dating. Or the light side if you happen to be the
person in the relationship who bears the greater resemblance to
Vader. Either way, there are pitfalls.
Here are some tips to be thoughtful of if you plan on making homemade Black
‘n White cookies. Or having a little salsa on your white rice, or spilling a
some homemade coconut milk on her burka. Or any one of a number of other kind-of
offensive euphemisms for interracial dating. Let's go, brothas and misses.
Dress to Impress Not Offend
I know it can be tempting to throw on your very flyest hip-hop gear if you are
but a naive Caucasian venturing into the dense jungle that is the Black social
gathering. Fight that urge, however, and dress however feels natural. If it so
happens that wearing your fitted cap and XXXXL tee is what feels natural, then
you are lying to yourself. Take that shirt/dress off, put on a fitted polo
shirt, and bend the brim of that cap. Nobody likes a white guy with an identity
crisis.
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Unless you believe in Black Jesus, leave the long white tee
at home. |
That being said, it can help to find a happy medium. If it's a summer day in
L.A., and your devoutly Muslim gal pal is sweating it out in an outfit that
looks like it was designed by a Grand Wizard, it's a bit insensitive of you to
break out the short shorts. Invest in some jeans, and encourage her to look into
Versace's new line of two-piece, breathable burkas (tagline: “Just because your
entire body is covered, doesn't mean that you can't look like a whore”). On the
flip side, if you're a Brazilian beauty and find even the skimpiest of thongs
restricting, and your Canadian hunk is covered from boot to toe in what looks
like squirrel-skin then, encourage him to– never mind, don't encourage him to do
anything. Break up with him, and email me at
xavier@pointsincase.com.
Be Open To Cultural Awkward
and Embarrassing Experiences
The
fact that white guys can't dance has been beaten into the ground like, well, a
nonwhite guy. But did you know that lots of other races struggle with leisure
activities? Southeast Asians often struggle with finger-painting. Latinos
frankly suck at macramé. Persian clubgoers often have a hard time not wearing 45
pounds of gold jewelry.
It's important, however, that the partner with greater ability in these
activities not only encourages their boyfriend or girlfriend to partake with
them, but forces him or her to. Because what fun is being a good basketball
player if your 5'1” white girlfriend won’t stand still while you try to dunk on
her? Tears dry, YouTube videos are forever.
The key is not to make your
challenged mate feel worse about their social handicaps than they already do. I
find that gentle encouragement works well. If you're in the passenger seat while
your Asian gal pal mans the wheel, try saying helpful things like, “You can do
it sweetie,” “No, no, that mailbox DID sneak up on you,” and “Sure dogs can
re-grow legs. Kind of like starfish.” Combine one of these with a friendly pat
on the head and you've got the key to interracial harmony.
Be Wary of Sexual (Legal) Complications
Sometimes, two people can see a sexual situation very differently. One person
might swear that their partner gave them the penetration nod, and the other,
stupid annoying tease can say that she just had something in her eye. I
understand—when you're 6'3” and black and famed for your Raspberry-Rophynol
Milkshakes, these situations can happen.
It's especially important in interracial relationships. You might want to
steer clear of introducing your
new black boyfriend to bondage. And as sexy as it can be, playing a sexy
game of “drug mule” (just to see what will fit in there) with your recently
immigrated Columbian girlfriend might be met with something other than
enthusiastic squeals.
If you must indulge your Mandingo rape fantasy
(I'm looking at you, Gaudio), be sure to have a foolproof safeword.
I find that nothing slows down the sexy train quicker than the word
“creditors.” If you're dealing with a black man who can sustain an
erection after hearing that dirty word, well, you should break it
down and explain it to him as “those people who keep calling you for
payments on that HDTV you have sitting on those milk crates.”
Learn Pretend to Speak Their
Language
Learning a
new language can be hard. It's much easier to
learn a few select phrases that can be used at ANY time. One of
my personal favorites is “makaka-bj ba ako dito?” which is Tagalog
for “how is this going to get me oral sex?” It didn't work out with
my phine philly phrom the Philippines, but if it did, rest assured
that chestnut would have been dusted off many a time. Which
hopefully would have led to other nuts being dusted off, but I'm
beginning to digress.
If the language gap is too big for
sexual come-ons, body language tends to be unequivocal. If I want
the German girl I'm dating to know that I want sex, I just point to
my erection, to her crotch, then to the loaded gun I keep in a chest
by the bedside. If she's ever complained about this system of
communication, I wouldn't know, because I'm far too fucking busy to
learn German. Ich bin ein handjob missy, and quick.
(Never, Ever) Listen to My Advice
Honestly, if you've taken
anything of importance from these tips, then you should probably
leave West Virginia.
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