>>> The Lady’s Shave
By staff writer NG Hatfield
March 15, 2006
MORGANTOWN, WV (AP) – Some say a picture is worth a thousand words. Some say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some say you can’t put a price on love. Well, in this writer’s opinion, a thousand beautiful words are worth more than 8 dollars at your local pornography store. Luckily for you readers, that’s the price of this April’s Hustler Magazine, set to break numerous boundaries with an unexpected centerfold.
Priscilla Earnhardt Jr, the oldest virgin on record at 102, has more than broken the age boundary of the pornography industry. Not only is she the oldest woman to pose nude for Hustler or any other publication on Earth, but she’s also broken the geographic boundary.
As a local hero of our country’s blue mountain majesty, Earnhardt currently works at the School for the Blind located in Martinsburg, West Virginia in the eastern panhandle of the Mountain state. The first representative for the state in Hustler Magazine, Earnhardt has been making educational excursions to various public schools and speaking of the benefits of nude art and pornography to disabled and underprivileged children. Her speech mainly talks of the negatives associated with the coal industry and the harmful effects of relying on welfare to sustain pet opossums, a common pastime in West Virginia.
“Usually, we require our models to have teeth,” said Larry Flynt, owner and operator of Hustler Magazine. “But what are you going to do?”
Her address starts by ingeniously having the audience question their own ethical stature and economic potential, “Who need to die in coal mine when you keen show ya coot to a buncha Hollywood Degos and get paid mo’?”
At work, Earnhardt is known by the boys as “Wrinkled Rainbow” and by the girls as “Sally.” A popular figure and second-line mashed potato server, she has been responsible for feeding and mentoring the most gifted students of The West Virginia School for the Blind for over 70 years. Such scholars include Saul “Sunglasses” McNulty, the first blind boy to win a county Science Fair; Lester “Glass Eyes” Parsons, a local raccoon hunter and fervent racist; and Veronica “Pen cap with a Slingshot” Poland, the current holder of the Guinness Book of World Records’ achievement of holding a rub of tobacco in for the longest period of time.
“[Earnhardt] ez da nisist lady I eva met,” said Billy “Bat-sight” Darby, a second year senior at the school. “She da mos bootiful person I neva saw.”
To commemorate the historic success of Earnhardt, the school has declared October 7th—the day said to be the day of her hiring—as Wrinkled Rainbow Sally Day, marked by a half session of school in which the children are allowed to throw darts, play whack-a-mole, and watch G-rated movies. The special surprise of the day involves a bagged lunch of Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes, and a Braille coloring book.
Frederick “Severe Glaucoma” Redman, the school’s head art teacher, said, “Priscilla’s movement, that saggy and decrepit to also mean beautiful and Hustler-worthy, is an important statement in today’s society, where the growing aged population is still under the pressure of idealistic Hollywood. It’s a shame I just won’t be able to see it.”
“We’re very happy for Prissy,” Rebecca Kind, the school’s headmaster and passionate developer of nicknames for the children and staff, stated during a Parent-Teacher riot in the fundamentalist Christian town. “Now stop throwing Molotov cocktails at the blind children.”
Not only breaking the age and geographic boundaries, as a proud, self-described “old dirty hag,” Priscilla has also broken the hygiene boundary for Hustler as well.
“Usually, we require our models to have teeth,” said Larry Flynt, owner and operator of the infamously ubersexual magazine since 1974. “But what are you going to do?”
According to recent polls performed by Putitinhersaggyoldbutt.com, the demand for elderly women pornography has risen 9000% since 1956, the last time such a census was taken. Flynt financially sponsored the study and encouraged readers of his magazine to participate through a mail-in survey, saying on the cardboard pull-out, “Let’s get our perverts back!”
Hustler, known best for its overt misogynistic themes and blatant liberal agenda, has recently had significant fallout of readers who have switched to free internet porn and statutory rape of autistic adolescents. “We need to do something to bring back the old readers while appealing to the maltreated of society. Nothing is wrong with having a fetish for catheters and saggy breasts, especially if she actually is a virgin.”
Earnhardt’s virginity came under skepticism by the Catholic Church and the Board of Pornographic Ethics when word got out. Numerous physical tests of anal and vaginal elasticity resulted in inconclusive findings. Flynt found a way around this.
“Priscilla’s vagina wasn’t very resilient, I’ll be honest,” Dr. 90210 Robert Rey said during a press conference in the Beverly Hills Marriot. “But being as she is old, I did my own sort of psychoanalysis to see if she was really telling me the truth…see, I showed her my penis and she asked ‘What is that? A licorice whip?’ I just laughed and sent her back to Larry with my okey-dokey.”
The magazine is set to publish each of the “staple” positions of the cafeteria lady. These include a one-page dedication to the Missionary Spread-eagle position, two pages to the Bull-less Backwards Cowgirl, one page of The Presenting Female Walrus, and a full fold-out of Earnhardt participating in the “gumming” of a large black rubber phallus. In addition to these common sexual arrangements, Flynt has merely hinted to the public, saying only, “Well…I’ll give you three very small clues about [Earnhardt’s] other stuff…One: leg slings. Two: oxygen tanks. Three: tapioca pudding.”
Hustler has recently picked up a few new sponsors as a result of this expenditure, including Polydent Plus, Brylcreem, Vick’s Vaporub, and Samugliestdog.com. It is also now carried by Spanky’s Geriatric Porn Hut, The Varicose Vein Slaughterhouse, and every West Virginian Walmart not containing Depends undergarments (Chairman Christopher J. Williams nixed these stores, defining the sale there as “A conflict of interest”).
The issue, entitled “Sweatin’ the Mystery Meat,” is set to go to press April 11th and be in stores by Easter Sunday.