Black Rules for White Men

>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
July 12, 2006

Ryan: Man, you don’t know what it’s like to be black.
Sure I do. I’m black.
Nate, you whiter than my teeth.
Now, you’re just making shit up.

I’ve been trying to hide it for years, but well, y’all deserve to know the truth: I am Caucasian. Recently, fellow PIC columnist E. Mike Tuckerson pointed out to me that not only am I a white man, but both of my parents are white as well.

I’m just shocked that no one ever told me.

Anyway, because I am still coming to terms with my Dutch heritage, I decided to write a list of rules (because, as I’m sure you know by now, you gotta have rules) that all white men should keep in mind when dealing with black men. In fact, I’m positive the following list of rules will help further black/white relations.

"Everyone, black or white, gets to rip on Michael Jackson. We’re all people on this planet, except Michael."

Hey, I was put here on this planet to help people (common knowledge to you by now I’m sure). Seriously, it’s true. Mom told me so.

So let’s have ourselves a look at the rules, white boys.

1. Unless you really know the black man in question (and I mean you are best of friends, good teammates or army buddies) do not use the following terms: "nigga" or "brother." The black man will let you know when you’re his brother. You do not let him know. It’s his word. Usually, you can call him your brother if he starts calling you his brother, his cracker or his white boy. You can’t call him nigga unless you’re Eminem.

2. You want to know how to talk to a black man, ask his white, female friends. Women are more intuitive and emotional and typically less judgmental as to issues of skin color. Unfortunately, when it comes to the color green, most women see all too discriminately, but that’s another tale for another day.

3. Don’t be a wigger. They hate that shit. Be confident in your culture. They are confident in theirs.

4. Do not be afraid to talk about issues of race. They’re thinking about it, too. But if you do talk about issues of race, do not generalize. Stick to the issue or issues in question.

5. Everyone, black or white, gets to rip on Michael Jackson. We’re all people on this planet, except Michael. They know that, too.

6. There is such a thing as black rage. It stems from years of the dominate culture questioning their behavior and motivation. Do not be afraid of black rage. It is a necessary part of their culture.

7. Do not call them African Americans to their faces. (Exception: If the African American has incredibly light skin or is albino, then feel free to use that term. If they confront you about it, just say, “Sorry man, but I got relatives blacker than you.” It’s good for a laugh.)

8. Fuck at least one black chick. Trust me on this. All men talk shit about their women. Know a black woman intimately, and you’re in that conversation.

9. Don’t think that black people should like you because you’re into rap, blues or jazz music. White people have been into their music since the first black spiritual was sung in a cotton field. It’s not impressive.

10. You have just as good odds of being accepted by a group of black people as you have odds of being accepted by a group of lawyers. Groups form based on common bonds. Don’t ever expect anyone (black, white or other) to give two fucks about you, especially in a group. What do you care, anyway? What? Are you hyper-sensitive? People suck. Blacks are people. It ain’t a tricky equation.

11. Recognize this fact and take it to heart: the man who invented artificial plasma (which keeps people alive long enough to get blood transfusions) bled to death on the steps of a white hospital (that wouldn’t admit him). Not that you need to know it, but his name was Charles Brooks. (Editor's note: The doctor's actual name was Charles Drew. This is what happens when Nate does all his research in bars.)

12. Don’t blame your white friends for having racist tendencies. Black folks have them too. Everyone wants their kids to look like they do. This goes back to the beginning of time. I’m sorry, but it’s true.

13. OJ Simpson was guilty. Most black people believe this. He was, however, the first example of a black man getting away with murdering a white person after a trial by jury. The list of white people who have gotten away with murdering black people is so long I couldn’t list it if I tried. That’s why they’re happy for him. He’s the Jackie Robinson of murderers.

So why did I write this list? Because it’s two thousand and fucking six, and people still don’t know this shit. That bothers me. This list was not written by some holier-than-thou, liberal champion of lost causes who grew up in the ghetto; it was written by a middle-class capitalist who grew up in a four-bedroom house in the suburbs. And if I know the stuff on this list, then you should, too.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and write another column that demeans women.

More from PIC:

Is this a joke because I've read this before somewhere on PIC. And it's not even April Fools.

Nate, you're getting lazy.

can't wait till the next article demeaning women.... this was good, but women love a man who's an ass... i don't know why, we just do.

Great column. I have white friends who try and act black and I just want to beat the shit out of them sometimes.

Thank you. Finally a white person who gets it growing up in Texas i didnt think you existed.

and lets us not forget about George Washington Carver and his contribution of Peanut Butter.

fricking OJ is the Jackie Robinson of murders, haha, that's a good one

isn't this old? i know i've read this before.

You lazy ass. You had someone else write your column last week and this week you've plagerized yourself? That's fuckin' weak man.

Yeah. That was on the blog about nine months ago. I guess I underestimated how many people read The Nate Way. Thanks for reading and all that. Next week, I'll write something fresh.

Oh, and if it helps, I'm writing a book that's over 200 pages now and putting new stuff on the blog four to five days a week. So, you should have plenty of my stuff to read soon enough.

hahaha, called out by the fans....well at least you know the fans are actually reading it and not just skimming over it. That has to be sign of respect, or stalking. LOL :lol:

Screwed out of being lazy, poor Nate. I'll cut you some slack since you keep the stuff coming in, unlike some columnists I know, but these others guys apparently won't. Now go demean women for those of us without an internet column.

You'd think people would check their facts before writing anything, humorous or not. The man who worked on blood plasma was Charles Drew. And he didn't bleed to death on a hospital stoop because he was black, as you stated. His companion at the time, (also a black doctor), has refuted that story over and over. It's an urban legend simply because the idea of it - the black creator of plasma bleeding to death on a white hospital's door step - is the ultimate in irony. Too bad it is just furthering race hatred. Nice job Nate. Instead of helping, you actually are making things worse. Here's the quote from his buddy in the car at the time of the accident:

<i>Charles R. Drew died at the age of 46 from injuries suffered in a car accident in North Carolina. Newspaper accounts said that the nearest hospital refused to admit Dr. Drew because of his race, and that vital time was lost in taking him further away to a black hospital.</i>

<i>However, this conflicts with the account of Dr. John Ford, another black physician who was traveling with Dr. Drew at the time of the accident: "We all received the very best of care. The doctors started treating us immediately.... I can truthfully say that no efforts were spared in the treatment of Dr. Drew, and, contrary to popular myth, the fact that he was a Negro did not in any way limit the care that was given to him." The nature of Dr. Drew's injuries excluded a blood transfusion; it would have killed a man in his condition faster. A similar urban legend circulates regarding jazz legend Bessie Smith.</i>

Thanks The Truth, my research consisted of drinking some beers with my buddy Six, who told me that story. I did the name from memory.

Also, I promise you, for every mistake you make, you'll get ten percent of your money back.

Nice catch.

Sorry Nate. I apparently suffer from assholism and need help. I re-read my post and it was unecessarily "assholish", which just goes to show you that even the best intentions are rife with personality flaws. Sorry about being an ass. You weren't really hurting race relations and I should have just pointed out the factual error instead of playing "cat who ate the canary". Mea Culpa.
In my defense, I hadn't drank my coffee yet and it's that time of the month for my girlfriend. Just spreading the bad attitude around, I guess. :)

No problem, The Truth. The important thing is, you caught a major mistake in my column (since corrected). Let me know if you're looking for work as a fact checker. I do all my research in bars.

It's true. We should all just be comfortable enough with ourselves to just <i></i>be<i></i>ourselves. Plus, no one is fooled when the token white guy "acts" like the black guys. It's really just silly.

Let the record show that I, a mocha-skin American, have no problem with being called 'African-American' and sometimes prefer it.

Liked the article. Although, I must say, having sex with a black woman won't give you insight into anything except how her pussy tasted. (and you should know that she'll be back with her friends telling them EVERYTHING about your white dick and techniques, so come prepared to show what you've got.)

I would like to add that interest in black folks' culture does not mean asking black females "are those braids your real hair?" That's some more ignorant white shit that drives me NUTS! You wouldn't walk up to a white female and ask her if her breasts were real (not without a few drinks or a dare backing you up). You wouldn't ask a man how his penis-implant and viagra combo were working out for him as you reached toward his crotch for a feel.

Off to continue doing my part to erode the white man's position as world dominator/destroyer.

Good to know that you are human rather than just white, you make mistakes, you continue on, sometimes learning sometimes not.

By the way, O.J. didn't do it Anyone who really watched the trail knows this. Any one who watched the news of the trial, doesn't. THAT'S why those blacks who cheered did so. Finally, a black man who used the system to prove his innocence and freed himself from the racial sterotypes that had gotten so manh other black men so much UNDESERVED time. ONly the bood tubers think he did it.

Contrary to belief people, in THIS contrary, you have to FIGHT to prove you're innocence regardless whether you are or not. O.J. had the money to do the same tests the government did and get at the same information the government got at and was so able to show the goverment was wrong. In this country, if you can't get at the same level of expertise the government gets at, you're screwed. Problem with that is that it doesn't take a lot of money just more thant the average person cen get to. John Cochran and Barry Scheck are men who learned how the judicial system worked and used the same system that was being used to prove O.J. guilty to prove him innocent. That's all that happened. O.J. was able to PROVE he didn't do it. He wasn't the first and he won't be the last.

umm... yea OJ definitely did it, and got off because hes black and there were black jurors. It shouldnt have been a race issue in the first place.

sorry to rain on your parade

It saddens me that women of color are only seen as tools for sex.....we are actually pretty smart, kind, and fact, historically we took care of everyone, including weak white women and insecure white men..we still do.

I am sure you are smarter than this trash, even Howard Stern isn't this ignorant, even he has limits

hey cuz, im a straigh gangsta, but im a whiteboy... all the black people i know dont got no problem wit me cuz im a wigger... idk maybe its different in da STL cuz ive always had black friends and i for real dont like to b around white people cuz most em r soft, and they snitches... im real maybe thats why theyn like me but i disagree wit u about the being a wigga part... Bk all day!!

I've got 4 brothers, and they stick up for me.

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As far as Michael Jackson, ANYONE can make fun of him no matter your race or gender. He, like John Howard Griffin of Black Like Me fame, proved that if you don't like the way you look, there's an app for that!

Stupid, brain-dead drivel...but of course, I'm not a guy (thank GOD...)
also, OJ didn't get off because he is black...he got off because he is a RICH celebrity.

you are the dumbest human i have ever read.

FUCK THE BLACK BOY! WHITE MAN will always be the MAN!!!!! Because we act like a man in public, the way we talk, walk, act, in public! Black boys with their pants down, laying around sleeping and acting like lazy punks! Boys will be boys! "WHITE" Man WILL be White MAN, THAT'S ALL TO IT!!!! Prove me wrong?