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It's Not Like I Killed Your Daughter
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
December 13, 2006
|
Nathan: Is it more important that something be true or entertaining?
Royce: That depends on whether I get laid or not.
First allow me to offer my deepest apologies for the death of your daughter. I’ve heard that suicide can be a very difficult thing for
a family to deal with. And I wish you a swift recovery and a quick mourning. I know it must hurt.
Now, I know we’ve never actually met, and that is one of the first things for which I feel I need to apologize. Your daughter and I
were a couple for the few months before her death. Basically (and I know this is hard for you to hear but the truth will set you free and all that), your daughter was
really trying my patience. Now, she was amazing in bed, totally willing to try new things, and generally a great fuck, but… well, I hated her.
"I had no way of knowing she would kill herself. I mean, besides all the suicide threats she emailed me."
I hated how clingy she was, how stubborn she was, and how she wouldn’t shut the fuck up about movies I wouldn’t watch and music I
hated. And I really hated how mad she got when I fucked other women. She was really driving me nuts.
I tried breaking up with her. But she kept coming back. So, I had to get verbally abusive. I thought if I called her every name in the book,
made fun of her appearance, and was rude to all of her friends, that she would eventually get fed up and leave me. That, however, did not work. She just kept coming back.
I would think I was rid of her, and she would show up at my door in a negligee with a 12 pack of beer. I mean, what red-blooded, heterosexual male could say no to
that?
Eventually, I found something that did work. I phoned her while fucking her roommate and told her (with her roommate’s screams in the background) that she could find
all of her stuff out front on my porch. She came by, threatened to kill her roommate, and made so much noise that my neighbors called the cops. That really pissed me
off.
I’ll never forget the look in her eyes as the cops hauled her away.
“Nate, is it really over?” she asked.
“Of course it is,” I said. “It’s been over for weeks.”
Now, I should have been more mature about the whole situation, and for that I apologize. Please understand that I had no way of knowing she
would kill herself. I mean, besides all the suicide threats she emailed me.
I only hope that this letter sets the record straight and does not deter you from having fond memories of your daughter. If it helps, you
should know that she would have made a great wife and
mother. She was loyal, knew her way around a kitchen and was very nurturing.
It’s just too bad she was a basket case.
Yours in Christ,
Nathan
|
23 Comments
So not funny
best part: "Yours in Christ"
I was apprehensive at first but then, I read this sentence:
<i>I hated how clingy she was, how stubborn she was, and how she wouldn’t shut the fuck up about movies I wouldn’t watch and music I hated. And I really hated how mad she got when I fucked other women. She was really driving me nuts.</i>
Ah, the work of a genius. Congratulations are also in order, as you are responsible for her death. Will you ever try to have a meaningful relationship that has the ability to not place the physical above everything else? I hope so. However, I also hope you do not father (biologically and otherwise) a child, as you will probably be a horrible parent (as an emulation of how your father raised you). In fact, I hope this turns around on you and someone seeks revenge for the way you treat people by severing off your ability to reproduce. As you are already half a man, I am wondering what that will make you... Well, have a good life and all that (ehh, not really).
Yours in your ego,
-- Fork Forkuson (Your #1 Fan)
come on guys, it was a little funny.
I consider myself one of Nathan's friends, and feel like it is not talking out of school to say that even he feels like he is not on top of his game right now. But at the same time, the last time I checked this is a free site. So back itup a little.
I give my boy here all the credit in the world for creativity, and trying to take two extremely un-funny things (death of a child and suicide) and attempt to add humor to them. I mean how blow job columns do you want?
Props on the fresh ideas Nathan. Oh, and in case I forget on the day of, Happy Birthday, my brother.
-Kev
p.s. Still concerned about the whole Pomade thing, and I would appreciate Stoner Chick (actually almost typed her real name) defining the term "asshole butter." Never heard that one before.
Jesus people! Take a fucking a joke already, this is humor site right?
Nate sweetie don't worry about it. I enjoyed it, and found it to be mildly disturbing, two very good things in my book.
I was almost gonna ask if this was about Amy but then read through and discovered it wasn't.
Pretty evil shit. I laughed my ass off.
This site really should have a Satire Filter to keep the dumb fucks out and the privy in.
Keep it up, whitey.
- His Dudeness
this is so wonderfully horrible, i think i shed a tear or two of joy.
well done nate.
and seriously, people make me wonder...
if you dont like something, or someones style of comedy, why
a)read it.
b)waste more minutes of your life leaving negative feedback, you know you dont get those minutes back, right?
as for not being on your game..
bullshit.
keep up the brilliance.
the internet, even though its a fad, needs you..
and that fake website about growing cats in small, confined glass containers.
anywho...
I'm impressed you went for not true or funny. Bold.
You twisted bastard! I think I love you. Well done. :)
How deliciously twisted, it was a great read. A satire filter might be kinda handy but I get the occasional chuckle out of laughing at some of the responses. Question though, did this get anyone laid cause that really is what matters here, especially since its a humor site and thats what you guys are supposed to be here to do right? Right?!
Where is Rebello? You're funny and all...but where is he?
Not your best work IMHO, and a little disturbing to some, but sure fook it.
Whats with Justin, is he goin through a Puff daddy/p diddy/p the magic dragon phase?
Justin Rebello/JD Rebello/JD Boston?
Come on lad, yer ma named you for a reason :D
A little out of character for the Nate man.
Of course... I loved it, heh.
Okay guys, let's say that hypothetically, JD BOSTON/ JD Rebello/ Justin Rebello is not long for this site. Would that mean (and this is purely hypothetical) that I have to field his comments as well? 'Cause I don't think I could handle that kind of pressure.
I thought it was awesome. If you don't get it, you shouldn't be commenting on it.
dude, I've always loved you stories, and you have a skill when it comes to writing. but this is two stories in a row that are so obviously BULLSHIT.
You're a good enough writer, you don't have to make shit up.
Isn't making shit up what makes someone a writer?
weak like the Bucs
You're going to hell... but we already knew that :-)
Dude, that article was incredible. Don't let people berrade it, because it was excellent. I mean wtf, do they think this really happend? I mean the fact that it pushes limits and is blatently offensive is what makes it worth reading. It's innovative, funny, and different. Anyone who thinks it's terrible need to take a joke (read: clean the sand out of their vagina.) Look at the sucess of Tucker Max. This article was on that level. Awesome.
::verbal tug-job ends here::
Tucker Max posted REAL stories. something Nate used to do, or at least made us believe what we were reading was true
I do both. I'm trying to branch out. Writing fiction is actually harder. Telling stories that actually happened is very easy, especially if you've told them before. I've done four fiction columns and I think they're all pretty obvious. But if you want 100% real, read my fucking blog. That's what it's four (oh and it's updatedfour to six days a week).