 Ben:
So my dad says that I’m getting my brother’s sloppy seconds.
Nathan: I don’t know. It’s been like four years. I don’t
think the seconds are all that sloppy anymore.
Ben: That’s what I told him. It’s like Dad, it’s only
sloppy for like 28 hours at the most. First it gets sloppy, then
it gets raw, and then, over time, it reforms to its natural
beauty.
Nathan: So, we gotta call these, “clean seconds.”
Ben: I prefer, “beautiful, lovely, rose-petal-smellin’
seconds.”
Nathan: Whatever. Your brother’s ex-girlfriend by any
other name still had sex with your brother.
Ben: Well, regardless, you’re a dick. |
Recently, a conversation between my friend Ben and I raised a question
that I found interesting. (I don’t know if Ben found it interesting
because his phone kept cutting out because he lives thirty miles east of
nowhere—oh yeah, and by the by, Ben is the guy who helped me with
The Evolution of the Whore. Imagine where I’d be without him). When,
exactly, is it okay for me to date my brother’s or friend’s
ex-girlfriend? In the case of Ben and his brother, Dan, well it’s
perfectly okay for Ben to grab the ex because 1) Dan lives 2000 miles
away from his ex-girlfriend, 2) they broke up four years ago, and 3) Dan
is currently living with a beautiful and spiritual woman whom he very
much cares for.
So, let’s utilize the three reasons Ben and Dan are okay, and
then fine tune it from there (I forget if this is inductive or
deductive reasoning, but look it up and you may learn something
useless). I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m here to
help. By the time I retire from Points in Case, y’all will be so
wise, absolutely no one will notice. That’s wise beyond your peers,
right there. Moving on…
Rule #1
- The farther away from his ex-girlfriend my
buddy lives, the less he should expect me to keep my hands off his
ex.
If I were to explain my reason for dating a friend’s ex, then
mail the explanation to him, this is what I would write on the post
card: “Look, I know you guys just broke up over the phone last week,
but you moved to Utah and she lives in Delaware. What the hell am I
supposed to do, Good Buddy? You’ve already told me how great she is
in bed. Plus, I’m in Delaware. I’ve got limited options here.
Anyway, enjoy the salt flats.” (Side note: The post card would also
have a picture of his ex and me fucking on a miniature golf course,
but you probably saw that coming.) Because my buddy moved really far
away, he gave up on his old town, and therefore, it follows that he
also gave up on any and all women in that town, except possibly his
mother and sister. And, in case you’re scoring at home, I reserve
the right to go after them, too (that’s a different column for a
different day).
Rule #2
- The longer it has been since the breakup,
the less of a right my buddy has to expect me to stay away from his
ex.
I have decided to develop some ratios (based on nothing more than
the fact that I have an internet column that needs more words) that
express how all wounds heal with time. If I start dating my buddy’s
ex inside of the first three months of the breakup, he should be
allowed to beat me up without repercussion. If I start dating her
between three to six months from their split, the most I can expect
as punishment is a lot of jokes at my expense. Between six and
twelve months, I can expect a fair amount of good natured ribbing,
and after a year, it has officially reached the time I have the
right to tell my buddy, “Dude, get over it.” Notice that no matter
when I start dating her after a breakup, my friendship with my buddy
should never be abolished. This is because he and the ex broke up
and friends are more important than nice-smelling cum-dumpsters…I
mean random girls. That’s it. Random girls. So to recap:
0-3 months: I’m a
scumbag.
3-6 months: I’m an insensitive jerk.
6-12 months: I’m slightly insensitive.
Amendment to Rule #2: This timeline is not to be in effect if
the buddy in question has taken up permanent residence more than
three hundred miles away from his ex. Proximity overrules all.
That’s why it’s rule #1.
Rule #3
- If my buddy has already hooked up with a
woman who makes him happy, his ex should be of no consequence to
him.
Regardless of time or proximity, I
have every right to bang uglies with her. There is only one
amendment to this otherwise infallible rule: if, for whatever
reason, my friend is dating a girl to make the ex jealous and
therefore, is faking the apparent happiness, then I must allow him
at least six months (from the date of breakup) to see if his plan
works. If it fails, not only do I have the right to bang his ex, I
also have the right to tell her the truth about him and his new
girl, and then make sure that said new girl finds out he’s using her
like a chess piece in the Game of Slut. And then, I am obligated to
bang his new girl harder than a rock slide. This is a moral
imperative because men are not supposed to play games with women (on
the grounds that there is never an excuse to sink to their level).
Also, because he pulled such a wickedly uncool stunt, my buddy is
officially worse than the worst chick. Which basically means that I
can write him off entirely, which means I can tie him to a chair and
have my way with his mom in front of him (while his eyelids are
taped open). Which I would probably do. Gotta have rules.
So, what have we learned from this week’s ramblings? Well, in the
words of the dude who delivered my pizza last night (after I asked
him what was going on), “Nothing much.” The truth is, any girl who
will effectively and
willingly ruin friendships is a bitch, any two guys who would
let a bitch come between them weren’t really friends in the first
place, and my buddy Ben is banging his little brother’s
ex-girlfriend.
I think it’s all pretty clear that this column has changed your
life. And for that, you’re welcome. Now, don’t say I never did
anything for you.
Hey, it’s been awhile since Nathan linked to his
daily ramblings. No
it hasn’t.
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