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The Shizmessedup Religion
>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer
Nathan DeGraaf
October 18, 2007
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Nathan: If I owned a religion, I'd make a killing.
Brian: You can't own a religion.
Nathan: Who says? |
More Snippets |
I wonder how hard it would be to start a religion. Really, I mean, what
would you need? First, I guess
you'd need a core of beliefs. But that's kind of boring and not
really what I think religion needs. I think that cores of beliefs
get people into all kinds of fights. I think it would be better to
have a party. But they get people into all kinds of fights
too…sometimes. Though I will admit, a brawl bash usually yields less
death than your average holy war, but whatever. The point is,
nothing's perfect.
Now there's a premise for a religion: nothing is perfect.
The Shizmessedup Religion
Our core belief in the Shizmessedup religion is that everything is
inherently, in and of itself, fucked up. Nothing really makes sense. That's why
everyone has such a hard time getting along on this planet. So, to belong to the
Shizmessedup religion, you must solemnly swear on a stack of your most valued
pornography, that you will never expect anything to be perfect or make sense,
and because of that value or belief or whatever we end up calling it (maybe some
weird name, like Value Sub System—yeah, that's vague as hell but it sounds
technical), you will always act accordingly; meaning that you will never take
anything too seriously or worry about all that much.
"Zeus jumped out my motherfucking computer. He was like a soft laser
beam and shit." So there you go, we'll sit around on Tuesdays and
talk about how nothing's perfect. Why Tuesday? 'Cause Tuesday
already sucks. We'll meet at 8 PM. Or 9. It really doesn't matter.
I guess we need a God to worship now.
And I guess we have to
go with an imperfect God, which probably won't have too many of
the available gods jumping at a chance for the job. So we'll have to
go old school, like the gods from mythology class. Zeus was one of
them. Hell, why not Zeus? He was a rapist and a womanizer and I'm
sure he had a whole bunch of other problems he would go to jail for
today. He fits with the general concept. That's good. We don't want
to confuse people with this shit.
But now we need a story. We
need something that ties the coming of Zeus to our everyday lives.
Well, no one's more credible than I, so let me tell you about this
crazy shit that happened just a few hours before I wrote this
column.
Zeus jumped out of my computer.
That's
right. Your eyes work. Zeus jumped out my motherfucking computer.
He was like a soft laser beam and shit.
And he got all up in my face and he said, “Nathan, there is a lack
of understanding in this world. You need to start a new religion
that informs people of the value of the imperfect, of the joy and
happiness of the moments on this messed up planet.”
And I was
like, “Damn Zeus, you all up in my grill and stuff. I don't know if
I can handle the responsibility. I don't want to start a cult.”
And he said, “Well, I didn't want to have to leave badass God heaven
so I could waste all this time jumping out of computers and shit, so
you're gonna do it.”
And that's the story. There were
witnesses too. Seriously, it happened.
Anyway, don't dwell
on the story too much and let's just stick with the focus of
Shizmessedup, the message of Zeus, and the idea that we should all
ban together and
recognize that the world is imperfect. All that jazz is the
foundation for this here congregation of the hearts.
And
with that in mind, there is one last thing we'll all need to get
Shizmessedup off the ground and running.
You see, because
the world is imperfect, we have to ask you for your hard earned
money. It sucks, but I mean, you're of the Shizmessedup religion.
You understand that nothing is perfect.
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| Nathan DeGraaf
graduated fucking years ago with a BA in Creative Writing from the
University of South Florida, which he still lives near because college
chicks are the best. On weekday evenings, he can typically be found at any one of a number of North Tampa bars. On weekends, he typically cannot be found. When not drinking, fishing, watching sports, or having sex, Nathan likes to read, play the harmonica, and show up for work. Throughout the course of his life, he has been arrested six times because, as his father has often said, "the kid is fucking stupid." |
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