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Upon first glance at this week's title, one might be prone to
bewilderment. The same bewilderment one would experience if he were
suddenly in the middle of the woods...at midnight...with a prowling
beast gazing from behind the brush with foamy breath.
And then you turn around and see his eyes glimmer from the
ravenous hunger within no doubt,
but more likely from the moonlight that cascades through the trees.
And you try to run from this behemoth of claws and fangs and blood
thirst. But he's too fast, and at last you realize there is no
escaping him, only succumbing to his will so that you may find
solace in the fact that your flesh and bones, gorging his gullet,
allow him to sleep most contently. In the morning, it will
mystically happen again.
I really don't know where that came
from, but that's kinda what it's like when you're obsessed with
something. And that's today's topic: taking a good sobering look at
your obsessions. For example, I'm obsessed with writing really lame
intros for my columns.
Here's where it all went wrong.
"Oooh, Nice Features"
  That's
what I've been saying all break, but not to the ladies. Oh no, that
line is reserved for my true love: Anchorman the DVD. No matter how
you slice it, I am OBSESSED with Ron Burgundy. But fulfilling this
monster's appetite has been a doozie. Watching the movie was hardly
going to cut it. I had to load up all the special features as well.
You know, the hours
of bull they put on there merely
because someone felt that not filling up the DVD was a waste. Well I
was forced to gaze upon those precious clips by my all-consuming,
devastatingly hopeless,
borderline man-crush love for Ron Burgundy. And I'm not talking
deleted scenes people, that's pussy shit. You want to go hardcore?
Get that feature commentary going, or how about the blooper reel.
What's this? An entirely separate disc pumped full of extras? Now
we're talking. Throw in taking pictures of yourself dressed like
Ron, and you've got a full blown "Oh Boy Session"...or O.B. Session
for short.
If you're not chuckling right now, you should reread that last line.
Wondrous Pilfering of Automobile
That's what my butler calls my other current preoccupation...c'mon
think about it a little.... Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.
Did I say butler? PSHH, homie, you know I from da hood, straight
gattin' down bustas for disrespectin' me while I'm tryin' to
represent my family and doggin' fly honeys. And therein lies the
appeal of this game: escape from reality to fantasy...or at least a
different reality than you can find in Richie McWhitetown. Now I
know there are other gamers out there with way more devotion, but
for the here and now I declare myself OBSESSED with San Andreas.
When you wake up in the mid-afternoon because you've been playing
the game into the wee hours of night, and the first thing that comes
to mind is playing some more, it's pretty bad. But when you're
driving in real life and see a cop car and all you're thinking about
is doing a drive-by and getting "Wanted" stars, you've pretty much
become one of the teens you see on the news.
"San Andreas is German for...Whale's Vagina."
The Doctor is In
And his last name is Pepper. That's right, it's time the truth came
out. I am OBSESSED with Dr. Pepper. You know how it feels the first
time you kiss a girl? It's like a thunderstorm in your mouth.
There's a flurry of activity and you're not sure what just happened,
but you know you want more. Well I don't know if that's true because
I've never been kissed. But let me tell ya, if it's anything like
Dr. Pepper, then First Base is as far as I wanna go people. Now I
know you're like, "Yeah I like Cokes too," but you don't understand.
I like other soft drinks. At times I even love them, actually I just
say I love them and never call them back. But I am in a committed
relationship with Dr. Pepper. I'm drinking one RIGHT NOW in fact.
And if you already read this like a day or so ago, and you're
reading it again, it still applies. Go ahead and refresh the page, I
don't care. I'm still DRINKING! Unless I'm
operating a vehicle, because I
don't want a DWI. Dr. Pepper is intoxicatingly awesome.
And Mr. Pibb can lick his balls for all I care.
Well I hope I've inspired you, either to examine your own obsessions
and rejoice in them, or to go buy Anchorman, San Andreas, and Dr.
Pepper. Let me warn you however, combine those three in a single
night and you're in for a ridiculous amount of fun. You might never
find the same fulfillment in life again, and be forced to trudge
through the rest of your days knowing you hit your peak. I mean no
matter how crazy a party gets it'll never be on par.
Sprite: Man this is one CRAZY PARTY!
7-Up: Tell me about it, Mountain Dew is skateboarding in the
house, Cherry Pepsi has gone wild, and Mr. Pibb did a line of Coke
and is trying to lick his own balls.
Mr. Pibb: Oww, my back! Somebody get a doctor!
Dr Pepper: I swear this is the only reason they invite me to
these things.
Sprite: CLEARLY we should get outta here and go somewhere
more...private.
7-Up: Didn't you just use that same line on Sierra Mist?
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