Everyone at some point in their life has seen a romance novel. And everyone knows that romance novels are stupid pieces of literary trash marketed towards sad, lonely old women with no lives. But what about men? We also enjoy trash. But we require something a little different for our needs. We require the polar opposite of romance: mindnumbing violence, and lots of it. Don't argue with me. You'll take your goddamn gender stereotype and like it. Read More »
By now we've all heard the phrase "So bad it's good" in reference to unintentionally hilarious low budget films that are wildly entertaining for all the wrong reasons. I like to think of myself as an expert on good bad movies, and over the years I've tried to find the best worst and/or worst best films out there. Let's take a moment to examine the different types of awesomely bad movies. Read More »
If you've ever been inside a video store, and I realize that maybe some of you haven't... are there even any video stores left in the world, or did the Earth just swallow them all up one day? What about third world countries, do they still have war-torn post-apocalyptic Blockbuster Video stores blighting the landscape like ancient ruins? Do you even know what a video store is? Oh Jesus, you don't, do you? Whatever, that's beside the point. I should start over, this rant is already showing its age. Read More »
After wasting untold billions of dollars and countless human lives, we here at Unethical Laboratories, Inc. are happy to announce that we have finally perfected our toaster-in-a-bathtub time machine. The secret trick was mummifying the "pilots" in electrical tape to keep them from dying. It took us years of trial and error to figure that out. Read More »
Hey dudes, I'm here to tell you about my exciting new Kickstarter project, New Dudes Magazine, the workout magazine for dudes who like watching dudes working out. And just because it's not actually "legally" affiliated with kickstarter.com due to the fact that I was previously banned from their site for allegedly attempting to blackmail potential financial backers doesn't mean that this isn't a great investment opportunity for all you young entrepreneur type dudes out there. Read More »
Cats are great. They're cute, they're cuddly, and they do funny things. But they're not as great as they could be. Until now, that is.
Do you have a cat? What does it do all day? Be honest, it doesn't do anything, does it? But what if it did EVERYTHING? Because that's what GoogleCat does. GoogleCat is everything your cat will never be. Read More »
It's recently come to my attention that North Korea is probably going to blow up the world pretty soon. And by the world, I mean America. Apparently it has something to do with some crazy fat guy with a bad haircut and a Disney fetish. Now I may not know much about global politics or hard news facts, but I do occasionally skim enough headlines to make uneducated, often childishly ignorant assumptions. I'd like to take a moment to share some of those with you. Read More »
Hi there. My name is Brent Vanguard, CEO of Solutions, Inc., the highly profitable non-profit organization committed to improving the quality of life of your family, friends, pets, and casual acquaintances. We're here for your safety. The environment is a threat to that safety. Think about it—jungles filled with venomous things crawling and slithering through the darkness, just waiting for some hapless hippie nature lover to stumble across their path. Forests full of man-killing bears and wolves. And what about deserts and tundras? Forget it. Nature is not your friend. Would your friend try to kill you? Read More »
First off, THIS HAPPENED.
That story is real. We did that. We sent a ship hurtling through space, dumped a dune buggy drone on a world millions of miles away, and etch-a-sketched a giant dong all over their stupid planet's face like it was passed out drunk at a frat party. We just vandalized their shit like it was the handicapped stall in a Burger King bathroom. Read More »
Midnight in seventies film grain. Horror jazz soundtrack for piano and bass fills the air. Big dark city made of interlocking alleys, lit up by pink neon and yellow headlights. Loose trash stirs in the wind. A singing hobo takes a drink behind a dumpster. He stops, squints at the figure in the shadows. Man in a space suit? Couldn't be, makes no sense. Space man comes closer. Hobo stinks of fear and urine. Space man pulls out a knife. Hobo screams. Camera pans away as title of film splashes across crumbling brick wall in blood red letters: ASTRONAUT KILLER. Cue intro credits. Read More »
Like most old school horror film geeks, I went to see the new Evil Dead remake fully prepared to love it, despise it, or both. It ended up doing both, but mostly I enjoyed it. Was it better than the original? No. Did it look really fucking cool? Yes. Much like the re-makes of Dawn of the Dead, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Halloween, I'm willing to file this one under "acceptable blasphemy." It had a lot of things going for it and it could have been much, much worse. Read More »
In my ongoing quest to become a best-selling novelist, I have decided to turn my attention to the current holy grail of highbrow literary fiction: fan-fic erotica for lonely housewives. "But what sort of fan-fiction?" I asked myself. It's all been done before. Twilight. Harry Potter. The Simpsons. No, I needed something new. Something hot. Something spicy. Something delicious. Something that people would eat up. That's when it hit me. I would use this as my inspiration: Read More »
Here at Unethical Laboratories Inc., we have a unique vision. That vision is to spend millions of dollars on genetic engineering and cloning technology for completely frivolous purposes. Whether we're pitting dead rock stars in knife fights against two-headed bears, or just using spare Kennedys for target practice, you can be certain that we are not going to bullshit you about our intentions. We're here for one reason and one reason only: pure, stupid entertainment. Read More »
1. I'm tired of my tax dollars paying for other people's birth control because...
- I'm not having sex with them.
- Something something the Bible.
- You're going to make me pay for your kid's food anyway.
- I'm a professional pull-out method instructor and I'm losing clients.