The following is a transcript from the weekly radio talk show American Heroes, hosted by Jonathan Gaylord. It has been edited for content by the FCC.

JG: Joining me today is Mickey Wolf of the DEA. Thanks for being on the show, Mr. Wolf. Read More »

Hi there. My name is Brent Vanguard and I'd like to talk to you about safety. Do you think you're safe? You probably do. And you know what? You're probably wrong.

Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like your body? Do you like it un-violated? Would you like it to stay that way? Because the Rapeocalypse is on its way, and you need to start preparing right now. Read More »

Are you longing for sexy good time with hot lady? Are you grow tired of bad rejected because girls no like? Change your life, make full of happy! Learn becoming sex ninja in three easy steps! So simple, even for stupid will learn how to winning! Secret techniques make you like stars from porno! Very excitement forever!

Here's what it do: Read More »

William Tubbs walks into a doctor's office. The doctor and nurse greet him as he sits down on the examination table.

DR. HACK: Hi there, Mr., um... Tubbs? Ha, that's a funny name.

TUBBS: Yeah, like Rico Tubbs from Miami Vice. I get that all the time. Read More »

Every year, trillions* of children die from fatal diseases. And while it's true that we can't actually cure any of these diseases due to the tremendous financial risks to the pharmaceutical industry, we can provide sick children with the fleeting joy of money-bought happiness to placate them in their dark final hours. Read More »

As you know, Global Warming was brutally defeated in 2008 by Paul Frank's scathing editorial bombshell entitled "Global Warming Does Not Exist." And while it is completely true and factual to say that his scientific claims are absolutely irrefutable and impossible to logically Read More »

Jesus materializes on the White House lawn to announce his plans to run for U.S. president in 2012. A press conference is summoned.

Reporter #1: So Jesus, what is your stance on gay marriage? Read More »

Two of my favorite things are drinking and watching shitty movies. Whenever possible, I like to combine these things, forming my own twisted movie drinking games with elaborate and ever-changing rules. While it would take too long to explain everything in detail, I can provide you with some of the basics. Read More »

Part One: The 911 Tapes

"911, what's your emergency?"

"There's an intruder in my house."

"Alright, I need you to stay calm. Are they in the house right now?" Read More »

FATHER: Junior, I think it's about time we had a little father-son talk.

SON: Okay Dad.

FATHER: Whiskey?

SON: No thank you. Read More »

I don't have much time, so I have to write this out quickly before the vision is gone from my mind. I am a prophet. To be more specific, I am a drug-fueled prophet of doom. My name is Copernicus Thunderbird, and we're all fucked if Christmas goes down the way I think it will. Read More »

So you'd like to become a rich, oversexed druglord/arms dealer, huh? Well you've come to the right place. Welcome to the internet, a magical land where everything is absolutely free and totally legal. Anything is possible here. You could purchase a nuclear warhead strapped to an albino elephant and have a 12-year-old Filipino tranny ride it straight to your door. You could hire a clown to kill your parents while singing showtunes. And you can watch people fuck donkeys all day long. Read More »

These are my demands: Read More »

« Back to Part 1, Motel Madness

"Hey, let's have lunch tomorrow."

"Okay. Where do you want to go?"

"Let's have a picnic!" Read More »

One time back in the 90's I ate a quarter-ounce of psychedelic mushrooms and attended a Marilyn Manson concert (not because I liked the band, but the girl I was fucking at the time did and it was an excuse to leave the house). I saw a 400-pound tranny and three guys dressed like The Crow. Read More »