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"Bringing Tidings of Joy to Dozens"
Now Playing: "Face of Love" by Jewel
For some, Christmas is a joyous, wonderful time of year. For others,
the loneliness, stress and
lack of Text-Heavy can make
December a difficult month. That is why I, in association with Sears
and Krispy Kreme Donuts, have carefully prepared this authoritative
guide to Christmas romance. So sit back and let the glow of Internet
comedy warm your yuletide log. Metaphorically speaking you sick
pervert. Here's what happened:
-It's not easy to find a boy or
girl for a Christmas fling. It seems like around this time of year
just about everybody is seeing somebody else, and even those who
aren't seeing anybody have standards. Don't worry, though. There is
still one place on this crazy mixed-up planet that contains an
abundance of single-but-looking "people": The Internet. If you're
really lucky, you'll discover that the person you've been chatting
with online is really that shy yet attractive guy or gal you've had
your eye on in the real world, not unlike the movie "You've Got
Mail." But really, what are the odds of that?
"For the average college student, preparing a Christmas meal
is about as painful as inserting a screwdriver into your own urethra. Boy what a
weekend that was."
-True story: A friend of mine hooked up with a drunk girl in her
dorm room. As we all know, dorm room walls are paper thin and
apparently this girl was a screamer. After the main event, my buddy
starts to head home when he's accosted by a group of girls who live
in the same dorm. They start reaming him out, telling him that
sleeping with a drunk girl is the equivalent of rape. When I found
out about this, I told him what he should have done is tied the girl
up and put a gag in her mouth to keep her quiet. That way the girls
in the dorm would never have heard anything and there wouldn't have
been an incident. Sometimes to avoid being accused of rape you must
perform rape-like actions.
-Do not make the mistake of going out with someone for the first
time a few days before Christmas. If you do, you will be left in the
awkward position of either neglecting to buy them a present
altogether or buying a present for somebody you know nothing about.
One year I got so desperate I actually went into the kitchen supply
store, which sells items like spatulas and lemon zesters, thus
suggesting a wide array of holiday messages from "Get back in the
kitchen, bitch" to "Make me a salad, bitch. And don't forget the
lemon zest."
-So it turns out "Midnight Mass" isn't code for "Jesus Orgy." The
more you know...
-One of the best things about starting
a new relationship in December is
that you get to spend a lot of time outside in the cold, where you
wear lots of layers and your date can't see how out of shape you
are. This is all well and good until you get inside and the parka
comes off. At that point, your date will probably make a comment
about how fat and hairy you are. Don't worry, though. You can always
brush it off with a witty comment like "it helps me stay warm" or
"get back in the kitchen, bitch." Anything to avoid a trip to the
gym.
-You may think that hanging
mistletoe all about your house or parents' basement might help you
score a kiss with that special lady, but I've found this to be an
ineffective strategy. Most girls think mistletoe is incredibly
cheesy and they'd sooner make out with Gilbert Gottfried than with
you under some fake plant. What you want to do instead is hang
canisters of tear gas all around the apartment so when your date
comes over she will be temporarily blinded and you can trick her
into thinking you're actually Brett Favre. Girls love Brett Favre.
-Unfortunately Christmas involves a lot of food, so you will be
expected to cook for the new love of your life. And not Kraft Cheese
and Macaroni, either. You're going to have to prepare a traditional
Christmas dinner with turkey and stuffing and Santa gall bladder.
It's not like you can just take your date to Denny's or something.
Around this time of year you'd probably need a reservation. For the
average college student, preparing such a meal is about as painful
as inserting a Phillips screwdriver into your own urethra. Boy what
a weekend that was.
-While you're enjoying your delicious/poisonous Christmas dinner
with the significant other, you'll probably want to woo her with
some traditional Christmas music. Remember that your goal is to get
her "in the mood," so you don't want to be playing anything from the
N-Sync Christmas album. If you're really feeling lucky you could
play some Hanukah songs like, um, the dreidel song, which goes like
this: "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel. I made you out of clay. And when
you're dry and ready, oh dreidel I shall play." I can hear all my
female readers moistening already.
-Another thing to consider if you're looking to score this holiday
season is your wardrobe. If I've learned anything from my many hours
of watching "Bad Santa" on DVD, it's that girls swoon over an
alcoholic who wears a Santa outfit all the time. I recommend you
purchase, at minimum, a Santa hat and wear it at all times,
including in the shower and on the bus. If anybody asks why you're
wearing a Santa hat all the time, reply bitterly: "I just like it,
okay. Leave me alone." Then take a swig from the bottle of whiskey
you keep on your person at all times and wait for the naked girls to
magically appear and start performing sexual favors. If no naked
girls appear, you're obviously not angry nor drunk enough. Or you
could try getting on a different bus.
-Finally, if none of the above tips help you get laid this
Christmas, and frankly I think that's pretty unlikely, you could
always try going to Iraq. Yes that's right,
Iraq's not just a summer hot spot
anymore. From what I've seen on the news, the people in Fallujah
could sure use some Christmas cheer, so having unprotected sex with
Iraqi refugees would practically be an act of charity. And in the
end, that's what the holiday season is really all about.
Editor's Note: Emmanuel is departing
on his annual December quest to gather tiny pieces of comedy all over
the frozen tundra of northern Canada. Text-Heavy will return in January,
even colder than before!
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