|
"Even the Title is Extra Long"
Now Playing: "Silver Lining" by Amanda Ghost
I can't believe it's been two years since I celebrated my
first Canadian Thanksgiving alone
in my house by attempting to purchase a turkey sub and write a
really long newsletter. Yes, those were good times, and the public's
appetite for more whiny Canadian Thanksgiving jokes seemed
insatiable. And so the next year, in late 2003, I wrote a
sequel. Sure, it wasn't as funny as
the first one, and the feedback I received was tepid and sparse, but
I had created a TRADITION, and by golly I'm going to stick to it
this year by writing yet another Canadian Thanksgiving newsletter,
and this year's promises to be the best one ever, unless of course
it's not. Here's what happened:
-I love the look you get when
you're asked where you're going for Thanksgiving and you say
nowhere. People look at you like you're a character out of Oliver
Twist (Oliver). They kind of half close their eyes and pat you on
the shoulder, as if to say, "I'm sorry you're such a loser." Then
they quickly walk away, presumably so they don't have to feel bad
about not inviting you over for turkey dinner, and also because your
pathetic-ness might be contagious.
-My school is organizing a Thanksgiving dinner for all the people
who aren't going home for Thanksgiving. I guess the theory is that
if you can't see your friends and family, you may as well eat with a
bunch of people you don't know, and who obviously are desperately
unpopular as well. The cafeteria wasn't designed to host events this
depressing. I bet the Salvation Army soup kitchen will be more
festive.
-Watching college students try to cook a turkey dinner themselves is
like watching penguins try to fly. They've got the feathers; they
just don't know what to do with them. I see people defrosting
turkeys on the radiator, opening a can of cranberry sauce with their
teeth because they can't find a can opener, burning the gravy and
anyone within ten yards of the gravy...it's sad. I can't tell if
they're trying their darndest or practicing for the special culinary
olympics.
-You know that feeling you get when you're watching TV and you see
an ad for some stew or something and you're looking at it thinking,
"Wow, that would really hit the spot right now" and then you realize
it's a commercial for cat food? That's the same feeling I get this
time of year when I realize I'm the only one who has nowhere to go
for the holiday. I should get a cat.
-I get a lot of email that tells me to shut up and stop whining
because a lot of people have it worse off than I do. It'll always be
like, "What about Crazy Bob who lives by the docks? He's not going
home for Thanksgiving and you don't see him complaining." I always
think, "Yeah, but that's because Crazy Bob thinks he's a seventeenth
century fairy princess with the power to control the moon cycles." I
wouldn't be worried about turkey if I thought I could affect the
tides either.
-I'm surprised the greeting card companies haven't turned
Thanksgiving into a corporate whore-fest, like they did with
Christmas and Easter. Who would have thought to associate the birth
of Jesus with a fat man and his elves, or the crucifixion with a
giant bunny who poops chocolate? Here's what I'm thinking:
Thanksgiving, pilgrims, Plymouth Rock... Did somebody say enchanted
Unicorn that lives in the center of the Earth and drops off bushels
of used DVD's to all the children? I think we have a winner.
-I hate getting e-cards. I don't even really like getting real
cards, because I never know what to do with them. Are you supposed
to throw them out or keep them on your dresser until the end of
time? But e-cards are even worse. I feel really guilty about
deleting that card I got with the animated GIF of a turkey pecking a
nude Britney Spears, so I keep it in my Hotmail inbox until it
starts to collect virtual dust and I totally can't receive any more
email. Which is too bad because I bet I'm missing some exciting
offers for V1A*GRA.
-Off-Topic Corner, Canadian
Thanksgiving Edition: I don't understand why I have to wash my bath
towels. The only thing they ever touch is me as soon as I get out of
the shower. In theory they should be the cleanest things I own.
-Once again, here is a list of things I'm thankful for, which I'm
sure you all care very deeply about, and don't at all feel like
you're wasting your life by reading this pointless drivel I pass off
as Internet comedy:
-I'm thankful for all the generous people who invited me over for
Thanksgiving dinner at their place and then, at the last possible
moment, rescinded their offer and gave a bullshit excuse such as,
"We don't have enough food." There'll be a special place in Hell
reserved for you.
-I'm thankful for the nearby laundromat, which in addition to
charging $1.75 PER LOAD employs a full-time laundromat attendant who
removes half your clothes from the machine when your back is turned
and charges you ANOTHER $1.75 for the pleasure. Apparently the
machine was overloaded. So is my hatred towards the nearby
laundromat.
-I'm thankful to all the people who suggested we hang out, and then
promised to call me, and then never did, thereby leaving me with an
abundance of free time to make this newsletter even funnier. Too bad
I wasted the opportunity.
-I'm thankful for Wintergreen toothpaste, without which I'd have no
idea how badly one's testicles can itch and burn.
-I'm thankful I somehow managed to slip that last joke into the
newsletter without having it censored. Try not to think about it too
much.
-I'm thankful for the local video store, where I went to rent the
Matrix Reloaded but they gave me the Matrix Revolutions
by accident, which wouldn't be so bad except that when I went to
return it the video store girl laughed at me because I said I
couldn't watch Revolutions before Reloaded or it would
be all out of sequence. It makes sense, god damn it. I'm not weird.
-I'm thankful for EBay, where you can get a great deal on computer
equipment like a
wireless network adapter. Of
course, the only reason you get such a good price is because after
you pay for it, you NEVER RECEIVE YOUR PURCHASE. It's been three
weeks and I'm completely wireless network adapter-less. I can only
assume it's being shipped from the tropical Island of Belize via
canoe.
-I'm thankful for campus security, who work so hard to keep me safe
by pouring out the beer I was peacefully drinking at the bus stop on
the way to the bar, and then giving me a $105 fine. I feel safer
already. I'll pay it when I get my network adapter.
-I'm thankful the NHL is on strike, because I think it's totally
unfair that hockey players make only 6 million dollars a year while
basketball players make 30 million. Is there no justice? Also, I'm
glad there are no Canucks games to pre-empt the Simpsons.
-I'm thankful my test results came back negative, and I'm REALLY
thankful I gave that one girl a fake telephone number (555-AIDS).
From now on I'm swearing off dating and sticking to toothpaste.
-And finally, I'm thankful I've been diagnosed with adult ADD, which
means I finally have a medical excuse for not wanting to finish this
newsle
|
Share this article
|
