Alumni Swim Team Snippets

The University of Colorado Swim Team ranks as the most quote heavy group I've ever hung out with of all my friends. I swam in the CU Black, Gold and Silver Swim Meet, in which the alumni-athletes race the current swimmers. Most grape smugglers I've known are the foulest-mouthed degenerates I've ever met, which is why I like them.

So I figured I'd take a page out of DeGraaf's book and just write my next column as a collection of quips—or Snippets if you will.

AT THE MEET

KC: I'm hungover, but not nearly hungover enough to swim.

COLIN: Are you writing a blog on why not to swim anymore? (I keep writing notes.) I guess there are fit 18-year-olds.

KC: Seriously, can you watch me as I try to re-learn how to dive? The last time I did this it didn't turn out so well. (The last time I dove I broke my neck.)
(After a few successful practice dives in the deepest part of the deep end)
KC: That was a lot easier than the last time.

COLIN (to all the alumni): We're going to do the cheer where we line up and jump and do the chant.
KC: What?
COLIN: That's the team cheer.
KC: I don't remember that at all.
COLIN: Well, I'll teach you.
KC: I'm too old to learn new stuff. Let's do the one where I just yell.

KC (points to the rows of girls on treadmills above the pool): It sucks that we have to look up to the cardio section to see sweet asses at a swim meet.

KC: Hurry up! My HGH is running out.

KC: I have to pee.
BOOMTOWN: No, you have to swim a relay.
KC: The faster I swim, the faster I can go pee.
BOOMTOWN: Exactly.

KC: What the fuck am I going to do about this relay? Half my team is still fucking drunk at Beerfest!

NEW SWIMMER: When were you on the team?
KC: Waaaaaaay before they started winning national championships.

COLIN: You get a one-second handicap for every year since graduation.
KC: That means I can knock seven seconds off my time?
COLIN: Yes.
KC: I just qualified for the fucking Olympics.

KC: Do I get bonus points for fitting into my old NYU suit?

KC: You need more fat guys on the team.

COLIN (as KC plays with a bunch of random change on the meet coordinator's table): KC, this isn't quarters!
KC (missing another shot): Obviously I'm not in university. (I really suck at quarters.)

KC: Is that, is that a hypodermic needle?
BOOMTOWN: Yes it is. Colin!!

KC (to WAM): Fuck the swim meet. Let's go watch that intramural volleyball game.

BOOMTOWN: Who's this fat kid? I hate everyone now.

KC: I recognize Colin's new girl ladyfriend person.
WAM: From where?
KC: Porn.

KC (pointing to two girls): These girls have deeper voices than me.
BOOMTOWN: It freaks me out too.
KC: They need to lay off the HGH.

KC: You ever try that 5-Hour Energy?
SKO: That's the Ultra-Red Bull stuff.
KC: It's like orange-flavored crystal meth.
SKO: At least you get all your vitamin C.

BOOMTOWN (huffing and puffing after a race): Remember when we used to be athletes?
KC: Yeah, back when I used to fight dinosaurs with Turok.

ABBY (to KC): Wow, you've got a lot more tattoos than I remember.
KC: I've been busy.
ABBY: What's that one?
KC: The famous one.

COLIN: C'mon KC. It's just another hundred.
KC: Yeah, and I'm fucking tired.
COLIN: We're all tired.
KC: I've already swam four fucking races. How many races have you swum?
COLIN: Two. Hahaha.
KC: Fuck you! I've already swum four! I don't even have a fucking membership to a fucking pool!
COLIN: (Laughs and walks away)

WAM: Why don't you just puke in the pool so they have to close it and you can leave?

GUY: Colin, you owe me a beer for each second I go under one-thirty.

AFTER THE MEET

JENNY (drinking a margarita pitcher): I'm about to change from Normal Jenny to Fun Jenny.
KC: Can you change from Fun Jenny to Funner Jenny by drinking naked?
BOOMTOWN: Yes, be Funner Jenny.

SKO: Wow. You bought a 40 at a bar.
KC: I'm fucking classy like that.

CAIL: KC, want to get NORML?
KC: Huh?
CAIL: Why don't you check what time it is?
KC: It's almost 4:30.
CAIL: Look a little closer.
KC: Oh. I get it. 4:20. I don't want to get high right now. I don't really talk or socialize when I'm high.
CAIL: You could do other things with your mouth besides talk.
KC: Um?
CAIL: That did not come out right.

WAM: What do you mean you've never heard the term "roundeye" before?
SKO: I've never heard it. What's it mean?
KC: It's what you Asian people call white people—like us—when we're not around.
SKO: I'm serious. I never heard it.
KC: Are you even Asian? (Yes, he is.)

JENNY (describing her upcoming Halloween costume): It's from a really popular European children's book.
WAM: So basically you have to have kids to know who you're supposed to be?
JENNY: Yeah.
KC: That sounds like far too much effort.

SOME GIRL I DON'T KNOW: Which tattoo hurt the most?
KC: The one on my penis.
GIRL: You have a penis tattoo?!?! What is it?
KC: It says, "Welcome to Delaware, the Constitution State. Home of the Fighting Blue Hens. Try some of our world famous chowder. And please enjoy your stay." There was supposed to be more but the tattoo artist got tired so we quit for the day.

KC: I was the creepy guy on the bus with a traveler of vodka and a can of 40-cent Squirt.

KC: Oh my God I heart Robocop 2 so much. It's the best Robocop ever. Maybe the best sequel ever.
GLENN: You're truly an idiot.

(KC calls fellow writer Nathan Degraaf.)

DEGRAAF: You're damn fuckin' right my USF Bulls just beat your fuckin' 'Noles! Go Bulls! Go Bulls!
KC: Dude, I just asked if they won. FSU isn't my team.
DEGRAAF: Fuck FSU!
KC: I'm actually a CU and Notre Dame fan.
DEGRAAF: Fuck them too! Go Bulls!
KC: How's the wedding?
DEGRAAF: I kept the groom updated with the score as he worked on remembering his vows at the church.
KC: Isn't that kind of a dick move?
DEGRAAF: It's his fucking fault for scheduling his wedding during the USF and Florida Shit University game.

(DeGraaf keeps talking—when you carry a conversation with him you just let him go until he's tired and needs to breathe.)

KC: Is your girlfriend with you?
DEGRAAF: Yeah, we survived the first wedding together. (To Girlfriend) Yes honey. I'm talking to KC, another writer from PIC. (Impossible to understand the conversation that follows.) No honey, I didn't talk to him about that.
KC: Look bud, my phone is dying. Have fun and don't get married in Atlantic City.
DEGRAAF: I'm not in AC any more, now I'm in-
KC (interrupting): I'm serious, DeGraaf! My phone's gonna die. I gotta go. Say "hi" to your girlfriend for me.
DEGRAAF: Fuck you!

THE NEXT MORNING

KC: Ouch. I don't know what's worse, the hangover or the soreness from swimming.
GLENN: Gettin' old is fun, isn't it?
KC: I don't even know what to say. I hurt.

KC: How was your date?
COLIN: I lost her ID so she missed her flight.
KC: Oh shit. Well, at least you get to hang out with her another night.
COLIN: Yeah, I guess.

GLENN: How do you know Colin didn't get laid?
KC: Because he didn't tell me to cut off my "hippie hair."
GLENN: That was your bet? You'd cut your hair if he screwed that girl? That's a tall order.
KC: Dude, we're talking about Colin. It's like betting that if the Minnesota Twins win the World Series this year, I'll cut my face off. It's not gonna happen.

That's all for now. Thanks to all my fellow alumni and organizers (and all the alcohol) that made the meet a blast.

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