I wonder how long it'll take all that plastic to biodegrade.  I sure hope the EPA is aware of the threat to Earth. 

St. Peter's first words to Michael Jackson: "Wow.  Umm... Sorry about looking so shocked but you really have changed. I was expecting someone with slightly different features and without that boy-sin shine to him." Read More »

Say what you will about the inexactitude of meteorological forecasts, but weather folks have come a long way at predicting shit. They're always way off on predicting what a typical hurricane season will yield though so I don't feel at all upset about being way off too. Read More »

A few years ago, I was walking down the street in South Tampa with my buddy Big Mike when Derek Jeter walked by. Jeter was dressed in the way only a Florida celebrity can: ridiculously expensive, loose fitting, silk clothes and three hundred dollar leather sandals. His outfit said distinctly: I may not be a formal dresser but I still have a shit ton more money than you do. Read More »

Thomas Cooley writes for Forbes. He's a lying son of a bitch. I was gonna stop doing the "Translating English into English" pieces until I read what this lying son of a bitch had to say. Let's get bold, party people. Read More »

Producing quality writing is difficult.  That's why I write like this. 

Obese people love the physical effects of excessive drug use (like how meth and coke can run people down and turn their teethe into nubs) because fat people have to wear their addictions too.  Only fair. 

When I grow up, I'm gonna own this bar.  Read More »

Dear Brett Favre:

You are a drama queen. Eat a bag of shit.

Dear Miss California USA Carrie Prejean: Read More »

Me: I cannot believe you just wiped your toothbrush off on my freshly cleaned robe.
Roxy: Hey, I allow anal. You'll just deal.
Me: Seems fair, actually.

Roxy: Chris's wife won't kiss me.
Chris: She only kisses friends.
Scotty: Maybe they should get to know each other.
Me: Yeah, like really fast. Read More »

The world may be coming around to my way of thinking. And I'm fucking scared. Read More »

I realize I haven't been around much for you, dear readers. And I also realize that when I have been around, I've basically been bitching about living in a corrupt fiat-money ruled society and those kind of whiny soliloquies don't get as many laughs from the web medium as they receive at the local nudist colonies when I act them out in my penis puppet parties. Read More »

The snippets, in case you're new to the site, are chunks of conversation I take out of context and put up on the site. I haven't done them lately because my conversations haven't been worth it but this one... well, judge for yourself. Read More »

The following highlights from the Congressional Oversight Panel hearing on Tuesday with U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner on Troubled Asset Relief Program have been translated from English into English. Enjoy the real picture... for a change.

OVERSIGHT PANEL MEMBER FORMER SENATOR JOHN SUNUNU:

Read More »

God made the world.  But we made our land.
            —Old Dutch Saying

My mind wanders.  It's not something I'm proud of, but it's also not something I can really stop, so I just deal with it.  Like we deal with freckles I guess.  Or maybe like we deal with the curves of our faces.  Read More »

Douglas A. McIntyre wrote the following about the bank crisis. He's pretty much wrong about everything he wrote for Time Magazine, but it is nice to see positive news come out of the media lately, even if it is horseshit.

His words are in bold. Mine are totally confused. Read More »

Welcome back to a new feature I like to call: Translating English into English. Basically, how this works is: our politicians and representatives tell us stuff and I attempt to make sense out of it. Read More »

Welcome back to The Investor's Coroner, an attempt to make both sense and fun of the current global markets and inform you of the happenings in the international market while planning a move to Shanghai.

It is the goal of the Investor's Coroner to make you laugh, help you learn and get into your pants you, sexy minx. Really, you look great today. Did you get a haircut? Read More »