Three tongues kissing with lipstick on

There is nothing more satisfying in this world then banging someone else’s girlfriend. Besides getting a sloppy, carpet-staining, stomach-poking, deep throat blowjob that leaves your dick smelling like the stench of her last meal, of course. Because when it boils down to it, and all the cultural and societal bullshit that has taken root in the Kim Kardashian era that we are unfortunately trapped in is wiped away, what we are left with is this: all girls are sluts.

I implore you to break free from this sexual Matrix and enter the machine world, where you can have countless one-night stands.Black, white, yellow, brown, every girl wants to get down. They are chemically composed of this crazy bitch hormone that literally ensures the survival of our species. They want to have sex, we want to have sex. The only difference between us and those rib-stealing heathens is that they are very naïve and short-sighted. Also, they can’t parallel park. Throughout college and high school, and even middle school for the ones with inherited-alcoholism bubbling in their veins, they try out boy after boy after boy, sometimes a girl here and there, until they realize that as they get progressively older and uglier, and their tits start to sag and their stretch marks begin to take form around their ever-expanding love handles, their time to pick one of us is running out.

I implore you to break free from this sexual Matrix and enter the machine world, where you can have countless one-night stands.So they desperately sink their venomous vaginal fangs into the girthiest cock they can find and sap the poor fool for all of his precious sperm. While most of it ends up in or on her stomach (or on his birthday, all over her face and hair), eventually she "accidentally" has the most un-immaculate conception. He is fucked, unless he is smart enough to obtain a peace order and deny the screaming monster replica of himself as his own.

I digress, because most of us are not that intelligent, and I must continue forth with my mission to inform you sir, the reader, that you were sent to this planet with the sole purpose of fertilizing eggs. This is what you, the lowly standard man drone, were programmed to do. But I implore you to save yourself and break free from this sexual Matrix and instead enter the machine world, where you can have countless one-night stands and insert your freedom into every hole, and glory hole, that you possibly can.

RELATED:  To the Manager of Motel 666: This Ghost Rape Will Not Stand

Think back to the first time you ever played Halo. It was awesome. The sheer joy of riddling pixelated aliens with pixelated bullets was uncontested—a very similar feeling to the first time you ever had sex in the staph-infected bathroom in 7-11. In both these instances you honestly believed there was nothing that could surpass that brief moment of ecstasy. Until you played Call of Duty and you had sex with your first non-transgender. Once you hit level 50, are you just going to prestige and do the same thing again, or are you going to enter as many strange vaginas as you possibly can in the minuscule amount of time you were granted to pound out as many drunk and insecure girls as physically possible?

That’s exactly what I thought, now stop reading this, get drunk, and take advantage of your golden years, when it’s still socially acceptable to bang preteens.

Suggested Next