4 Things I Don't Like Hearing... Especially During Finals

1. "No."

Come to think of it...who ever actually likes hearing no? Probably not a lot of people, however, the word "no" is something that weighs a little more heavily on a person during finals. "No, you can't have an extension," sucks a little bit more than, "No, you can't have an Oreo cookie."

Do Not Enter road signsI'm starting to reach a point where I'm so sick of people telling me "no," that I want to tell them in advance, if they're going to tell me anything other than "yes," not to even bother responding. I might as well make that my email signature, just to make my life a little simpler.

2. "I'm sorry."

This usually follows the "no." I didn't realize how much the phrase "I'm sorry" bothered me (I mean isn't it supposed to make you feel better?) until my boyfriend sent it to me in a text message about half an hour ago. His text got me thinking about how I didn't want an "I'm sorry," and that it does not, in fact, make me feel any better. If anything, it makes me more annoyed (just to clear his name, my boyfriend didn't do anything that wrong, he was pretty much just apologizing for not having service), which proves how much I hate hearing this stupid phrase. Normally I would say, "Don't do anything to be sorry for," now I want to say, "Don't apologize when you didn't do anything wrong." That, and, well, "Don't do anything wrong."

3. "Smile."

Ali Wisch fingers over mouthReally? How about, fuck you. I smile. I smile all the freaking time. If I'm not smiling right now, there's probably a good reason for it, like the fact that I just failed my math exam. And if you don't know that reason, you probably shouldn't tell me to smile. Telling somebody to smile during finals is like telling someone to sit still and stay calm while you saw off their foot.

4. "You look tired."

Oh do I? Thanks for pointing that out. Maybe it's because I haven't slept in two weeks, seen the outside of the library, or been able to force anything into my body besides coffee and...yeah, coffee, that's it.

Ali Wisch with sunglassesSpeaking of coffee, the other day my friend and I popped into Starbucks on our way to school. We each ordered an ugly amount of espresso hoping to jumpstart our systems after a Tylenol PM induced three hours of sleep. Normally my interactions with Starbucks employees are pretty run of the mill. This was not one of those times. As the girl behind the counter began to punch our order into the register, it suddenly registered in her head that we were about to purchase a shitload of caffeine. I mean, I suppose I can see how this would be shocking; it's not like she works at a coffee sh...oh wait, I forgot that we were in STARBUCKS.

As soon as the words "you look" came out of her mouth, my friend pulled me out of the store, threw me in her car, and went back in to get our goods herself. It was a smart move. Just an FYI to people who work in coffee shops, don't tell your patrons that they look tired—that's why they're there in the first place.

C'mon, one more:

so awesome to see you back Ali~!! ive got finals next week and this was so true.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Welcome back Ali. My official response to your article is simply:

Hahaha, this is awesome. I just sent it to all my friends..

I hate these along with one more thing..."Whatcha thinkin?" out of the blue. If I had something to say I'd say it. There's probably a good reason I'm not saying what I'm thinking. I know better than to ask someone that because chances are, what they're thinking sucks.

ur hot

Paul Frank's picture

I hate when people ask how I am or how I've been. I'm not going to lie and say good, so I usually say horrible, but then they ask why. Or I'll respond "yeah."

Nobody cares how you are. They just want you to choke on the dog vomit you swallowed for breakfast

Paul Frank's picture


This is fucking legit. Nice work, Ali.

You are by far my new fav writer for PIC!! Funny & original, please keep em coming!!!!!!!!!!

Lynne's picture

Hahaha! Great article!
I absolutely detest it when someone tell me I ''look tired'', very good call on your friend's behalf!

"Smile." Really, how about fuck you?-- Brilliant.

Welcome back Ali!

omg this is like exactly what finals is like for me, if one more person tells me i look tired i will spit on them. assholes.

haaha so true, sweet article......wish you didn't havea bf

when's your next column up?

so glad to have you writing again!!!!!!!

Gavin Pitt's picture

Indeed, these are words that make me Hulk out also. Along with "We need to Talk", "Let's agree to disagree" and "Can you spare a moment to talk about Jesus?"

"Smile", to me, is the worst....I'm freaking miserable & stressed, so shut up!

starbucks = catpiss

REALLY!? HA-HA! What annoys me personally is when people complain about stupid, irrelevant shit that could be easily overlooked, instead of ranting on it to look like a stressed diva.

Next time you find yourself asking "Excuse me, mr. stranger, are you thinking of raping me?", let's hope he doesn't answer "NO", cause boy! you'll get mad!

clearly jeremy cricket's never taken a fucking final.

You actually have a boyfriend

You know what I don't like hearing? When college students whine about how tough their lives are. I got a BS degree in four years, did lots of extra-curricular activities, worked odd jobs part time, and kept up with my studies, but still had plenty of time to sleep, work out, and party like a rock star. It was great and easy compared to having a real job, and real responsibilities, after college.

Not smiling because you failed a math exam? Boo hoo, study and pay attention in class, and you won't have that problem. No sleep in two weeks, abusing OTC sleep meds, and trying to come up from that with excessive caffeine? How about you manage your time like a responsible adult and you won't have to worry about any of that nonsense?

Wait till you have to grow up and leave college and find out how truly easy college life is.