2015 movie cube

Another year is gone and yet again we leave the past behind us and look to the future, which I’m sure included reading this article about some of the things I’m looking forward to. Shhhh, just go with it and keep reading, it’s certainly better than lamenting over the fact that you will never again experience a date with consecutive numbers in your lifetime. Oh, you didn’t realize that, well no use crying over it now, let’s just move on…

1. No More Allergy Shots

Many of you don’t know this about me, but I’m allergic to a lot of everyday stupid things, like grass, tree pollen, mold, dust… people. So for the past several years I’ve been taking allergy shots to help reduce my sensitivities to all these things—except people of course, because they’ll be irritating no matter what you do. I’m not going to lie, this hasn’t exactly been a pleasant experience, despite it actually working in the long run. They basically take everything that your body finds completely offensive and inject it into you, kind of like a militant feminist being raped. Okay, fine, it’s nothing like that at all, but that really uncomfortable feeling you have right now after reading that isn’t half as uncomfortable as I’ve been after receiving each injection.

At any rate, my seasonal allergies are much better and I’m certainly looking forward to never having to do that ever again… weekly… then bi weekly… then every month… for three to five years… unless of course my allergies come back. Needless to say, I really hope they don’t come back.

Office Space Lumberg
Allergy season is coming.

2. Playing the Piano

Once upon a time, I took piano lessons starting at too young an age to remember and ending at an age when I didn’t appreciate it enough to bother even noting. All I know is that I was always complete shit at reading music due to my undiagnosed dyslexia, and thus had to memorize every single piece I’ve ever learned. I can still play a couple fairly boring recital pieces that no one really knows and sound somewhat impressive, but for the most part I would feel extremely uncomfortable telling anyone I actually know how to play the piano for fear they’d want me to play something.

The one thing I do remember about piano lessons is that I didn’t really get to pick what I wanted to learn and play, as much as I was just given a choice out of a few my teacher thought fit my level. Well, at the end of last year I bought a brand new piano, and since I’m an adult now, I can finally learn and play whatever the fuck I want. Right now I’m currently learning the theme songs to Super Mario Brothers and Harry Potter… So adult, right?

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3. The Fall of North Korea

Okay, I know I said I looked forward to this back in 2012, but what you don’t realize is that the clock on my meticulous and highly scientific mathematical Kim Jong-un movie-watching calculation is actually going to run out this year. He’s going to be finally done watching his father’s movie collection and have nothing to do, which means he’s going to do something stupid just to try and get some attention that his daddy never showed him.

I mean, all the signs are there. The world already believes (whether it was him or not) that he carried out a successful cyber terrorist attack on Sony and stopped the release of The Interview. Not only that, but the United States and South Korea are planning on dissolving the Combined Forces Campaign. You see, for more than 50 years, since the end of the Korean War, military operations along the demilitarized zone between North and South Korea have been under the command of the USA. This structure dissolves in 2015, with operations being handed back over to South Korea, which you have to know has got this pudgy little fucker just itching to pull some more horseshit, just to see what he can get away with. I can’t imagine too much more will be tolerated from Kim Jong-doughboy before the movie The Interview becomes less comedic fiction and more foreshadowing non-fiction.

Kim Jong Un Eats America
It’s a piece of cake for me to eat!

4. More Yoga Pants and Leggings

Within the last year, I’ve noticed a general shift in the public’s thinking about whether or not it’s appropriate to wear yoga pants and leggings as everyday pants, despite them being around for quite some time now. Women seem to have taken a "fuck it, I’m comfortable in them and if you don’t like it then you can piss right off" attitude, while men… okay they’ve been mostly just drooling like ignorant troglodytes since the very beginning.

I think that this shift is a positive step in the right direction towards battling gender-biased body image issues and women’s overall negative self-esteem struggles though. It represents a greater ability, by the female psyche, to cast off patriarchal stigmas and ignore the whole "wear this, but not that" mental terrorism that women have had to deal with for far too long. Women will finally be able to feel comfortable in their clothing, without fear of judgment or persecution from an antiquated appearance double standard, dating back to the dark ages. Also, there’s going to be ass everywhere you look, and not just ass at the gym, but ass on the street, ass in the grocery store, ass in the workplace, ass with your morning coffee, ass, ass, ass, as much ass as your eyes can assess and assimilate, and I assure you it’s going to be astonishing and aesthetically astounding.

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Difference between yoga pants and leggings
If you ask me, they’re very unassuming.

5. Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens

I know that there are a lot of Star Wars purists out there who are going to be complaining about this, that, and the other thing when this movie comes out, because frankly they’re already doing it about the trailer. However, to those people I say, "May you forcibly go fuck yourselves, because I for one can’t freakin’ wait." I’m here to tell you that everyone who truly loves Star Wars actually thinks all you naysayers never really understood what this movie was all about in the first place.

Oh and by the way, you were also wrong about Jar Jar Binks… that’s right, you heard me… you’ve been wrong about Jar Jar this whole time. Sure, Jar Jar Binks was fucking ridiculous, but then so were the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi, so was Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back and so was R2-D2 in A New Hope. In fact, every single movie had some cutesy little character in it that were both absolutely ridiculous in the way that they looked and spoke, but at the same time their contribution and role was absolutely necessary and invaluable to the struggle at hand. It’s all about Good vs. Evil and looking past the surface to what truly lies within someone.

So the next time you rant and rave about how stupid or annoying this or that Star Wars character was, just remember that all you’re really communicating is that you don’t actually understand the movies at all and probably never will.

So there you have it, those are some of the things that I’m looking forward to in 2015. Happy New Year everyone! What are some of the things that you are looking forward to this year?

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