Jesus vs. Superman: Who Would Win?

Nate’s snippet about who would win in a fight between Jesus and Superman got me thinking. Who actually would win in a fight or at least has the best chance to win? I thought about it at work for about 4hrs and made a case for both men. I’m going to assume that Jesus is going to abandon his peaceful ways and not pull any punches in the fight. Same goes for Superman since that dumb bitch Lois Lane isn’t in any immediate trouble. So, who would win?

The Case For Jesus
Jesus is all powerful, which is what he needs to stand a chance. He can supposedly conjure up anything on Earth he needs to win this fight. He can match Superman’s strength and speed. I’m assuming flight wouldn’t be a problem for him either. Not to mention he has a posse of 12 men who will do anything for him. Last time I checked Superman worked alone. Also, no one can take a beating like Jesus. Last time I saw something withstand a beating like the one he got in The Passion of the Christ was my penis shortly after I discovered porn. So Superman is going to have to be in superb shape to go the distance in fight with Jesus. I mean with all the walking Jesus does he has to be in great shape, and I think Superman is susceptible to fatigue. I’m going by what I’m told since I’ve never tried to get in shape. I also don’t think Jesus is stupid enough to get stuck in a piece of glass and subsequently hurled into space, which, as we all know, is Superman’s favorite move. Put all of this together and you have one hell of an opponent for Superman.

The Case For Superman
First of all Jesus isn’t immortal. I think he died on some wood or something. So he can be taken down. Superman also has more fighting experience than Jesus since he fights crime on a daily basis as opposed to preaching peace like Jesus. I believe that will be huge. Superman can also take a pretty good beating as well, and since Kryptonite isn’t a substance that can be found on Earth Jesus can’t use it. If his dad didn’t create it then he has no power over it, so Jesus’ powers are only limited to Earth because I don’t believe that Krypton has the same God as Earth. It just doesn’t make sense. Why would they get to fly while I’m stuck walking around with very limited strength? Superman will have to do anything he can to end this fight quickly because I believe his chances get worse the longer the fight goes on. With that said I think his experience will allow him to get an early advantage that should carry on throughout the fight.

So, who ya got?

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Superman did die chad. Doomsday killed him, now i am not a comic book guy but I did read this one. From what I gathered this doomsday guy is like some squattier version of the Hulk but with little boney spikes sticking out of his joints and knuckles and things. The fight was pretty much 1 on 1 and the old double haymaker killed both combatants. If any comic people read this and want to corret me please do. Also jesus isnt even the one you have to worry about, he is like the marty genettie of the tag team. One on one no question Superman has it bagged up.

-ADF

I find it funny that a stupid conversation I had in a bar is now inspiringstupid conversations on Chad's blog. Chad loves bar talk like Rob Downey loves cocaine.

Hey, whatever happened to that article about 24? Does nobody care? I wanted to read it but it just disappeared. It's almost as if it were so controversial, it had to be removed. The ramifications of the public reading the article sent shivers down Court's spine. Therefore, it had to be destroyed. Please, I beg of you, get me a bootleg copy of that article. Thank you.

Damn, anon. Now I want to read it too. Court, what the fuck?

Why is everyone posting as anonymous, why is everyone talking about another post, and why do I feel like everyone is going to go with Superman to win this thing?

Glad I've finally found soemthnig I agree with!

Superman would win by default obviously because everybody knows Jesus is a fictional character.

No , Jesus would definately win ...wanna know why? When Supes gets beaten down by doomsday, he suffered and was finally dead...so when he died, he went to Heaven or Hell i dont know...but one thing is he will meet Jesus...then Jesus will say unto him. ''Whos immortal now....''..From there Jesus will fight with Superman eternally...and Jesus will definately break him like a twig...cause he design the Universe.

Batman would clean both their clocks.

You ever think maybe Jesus was people 2000 years ago's version of a comic book character? I mean if 2000 years from now human beings who had very limited knowledge of our time found Superman books they would probably think it was our history, or at least that we actually believed it. Ask yourselves...
Why do you believe Jesus Christ existed, when the Bible is the only historical writing that says he did?
Why do you believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and not just that but God at the same time? You never met the guy, and no one you've ever met met the guy. I'm guessing your response will be: it's in the Bible.
So Why do you believe the Bible? Because it's the word of God, right? The only thing that says the Bible is the word of God is the Bible. So you believe the Bible is the word of God because the Bible says it is the word of God, and you believe the Bible when it says that because you believe the Bible is the word of God, which you believe because the Bible says it? Think about that...
Plus, what is the greatest question of all? My answer: what is God? Now look at the guys who wrote the Bible. They lived 2000 years ago. That means they didn't know the Sun was a star, a giant ball of burning gasses. They had no idea what it was. They didn't know the Earth revolved around the Sun. Hell, they didn't know Earth was a planet. They didn't even know what a planet was. They had no knowledge of the periodic table, or even any grasp of Newtonian physics much less quantum physics. They had no idea what the moon was. Kids in Kindergarten have a better understanding of reality than these people did. Now, they didn't know any of this, but they were spot on 100% totally right about the most difficult question of all time and you should never even consider the possibility that they were wrong?
Plus, even people that believe the Bible is the word of God don't believe everything in the Bible (well, I guess some do, but they're mostly insane). Many even say they don't. The world being 6,000 years old, Jonah living in a big fish for 3 days, the Bible's cool with slavery, every non-believer should be killed along with their family...and all that. If the Bible is the word of God, and the Bible says that happened, it has to have happened.
God is supposedly perfect. Something that is perfect never needs to change nor should it ever change. In the Old Testament, God is big on revenge, spite, killing people, making them believe they're going to have to kill their own child, etc. But then in the New Testament he's all peace and love. What's with the change? If God is perfect, he should never change. But the Old Testament can't be wrong, because it's the word of God. Now some of you say the New Testament replaced the Old Testament. How does that work? God changed his mind? So he was wrong before?
They're just stories, same as the Greek mythos and the Roman mythos. Take it for what it is, a book of good stories and good advice.
Hell, I live my life by the Bible's teaching and I don't even believe it. Jesus' golden rule kicks ass: Love thy God, love thy neighbor. Simple rule to live by. Mad props to Jesus for that one.
I was born and raised Irish Catholic. Went to Catholic schools for 18 years. But there's a problem.
God's greatest gift to man is his ability to reason, to think rationally. No other creature possesses this ability. It is what sets us apart from all other life-forms. Yet Christianity, specifically Catholicism, tells us not to use that reason, to never question anything the Church says. Don't you think God would want us to use his greatest gift as much as possible? Especially in reference to him? Isn't not rationally thinking about God but blindly accepting what someone else tells you kind of spitting in His face? Why do you think the Catholic Church, one of the richest, most powerful institutions in history, that draws it's money by having its followers completely and totally believe what they say and because of that giving them money and doing whatever they're told, not want you to question them...? Don't get mad, just think about it.

Gotta go with Superman on this one. Mr. St. Vick up there pointed out that Jesus has a great number of powers more than Superman, but most of them are not combat-oriented. Also, Jesus don't use no magic--that's all holy stuff, right? Superman = weak to magic, not gods.

The bit about Jesus having super strength seems iffy to me. The phrasing is obviously metaphorical, like having a strong mind or a strong spirit doesn't mean your brain or your soul are going to be doing any heavy lifting.

Plus, Jesus 'saved' the earth just that one time... actually, he just 'saved' humanity, not the earth at all, while Superman has saved both on numerous occasions, both through feats of bodily strength and courage, and using his brain. So, yeah. In good old fisticuffs, Superman would definitely win.

(Batman could kick both their asses with one hand tied around his back)

It's unfair because if Jesus possesses every super-power and can wield any weapon, then he could just use Kryptonite and that's just deep. But superman would still win, because God would reincarnate Jesus, and Jor-El would reincarnate Superman. Even fight. Neither would die (for long enough).

It’s funny that I ran across this page because I’m doing a study on Jesus Christ and the American Christ called Super-man.

Both of them are made very similar but one is an imposter. Let’s look at the facts here.

Both come from heaven (sky or Unknown Universe): Jesus has always said I am from above and you are from below. There are tons of scripture where he says he’s from heaven and NOT EARTH. "GOD can manifested in the flesh" God is from heaven not earth.

Both are NOT human but take on a human image: Jesus is God who came in the flesh (IT SAYS SO IN THE BIBLE) and Jesus walk around and his won creation knew him not. That why Jesus alsways said I AM GOD Before Moses I was the "I AM".

Both fight Wickedness: Jesus fought against Political powers in his day known as Pharisees and other evil people.

Both have ex-ray vision: “Jesus said I can see what’s in your hearts”

Both speak truth: -----

Both can fly: when Jesus rose from the grave and then taught his 12 they stood their looking at Jesus Fly (descend) into heaven

Both have super strength: Jesus is our strength and his word is our shield.

Both have died and came back to life: Jesus Said I will tare down this Temple (body) and rebuild it on the third day. No man takes my Life but I lay it down and I will pick it back up.

But the only thing were Jesus wins is when Jesus died all mankind was forgiven and clean from his sins. I think Jesus Won this fight, SORRY comic book geeks!!!

Super-man can’t raise people from the dead like Jesus: Look at Laziest, or the sick girl

Super-man can’t heal people: The sick, the blind, the crippled, EST.

Super-man can’t deliver people out of Demon possession:

Super-man can’t speak things into existence.

Super-man can’t calm the seas (Nature) with just a command

Super-man can't feed thousands of people with with fish or bread.

Super-Man cant remit YOUR sins in HIS deth, he can only save "his self" by his own blood, what a loser.

Superman would stand before Jesus and fall to his knees. Having all the strength in the world would do him nothing when confronted with the Lords power.

First off, jesus has at most a 3 foot range where he can turn water into wine which would keep me thirsty while superman blasts heat from 10 miles away.A heat blast so hot that it would melt moses's sandals at the red sea before he tripped on those wild mushrooms and thought he separated it when he thought he was god almighty and separated it himself and woke up in the gobi desserts with nothing but his hippi hair and a smily faced button piercing his nuts together to call itself a sack in a dream called "An Inconvenient Truth"

Who's Jesus?

Jesus can defy the laws of physics. Superman can't. Jesus would just rip apart every atom in Superman's body.

I pulled the post. The picture was corrupted or something. Court had nothing to do with it.

are u serious jesus vs superman thats like a regular human taking on an ant. Jesus in god form is responsible for the creation of all things including supes.jesus is GOD not zeus or any other false beings, he is GOD. he could take away anyhing supes has with a pre-thought supes CAN"T!!!! beat GOD!!!!!!!! not even galactus could defeat GOD nobody in the Fictional or non fictional world. and lets not forget the most important fact of all Jesus is a real person!!! superman is not nor is he based off one. superman vs jesus, dont make me laugh!!!

FIRST

Jesus would win. Considering Jesus created the planet Superman was born on. Jesus can wipe it out and bring it back. Jesus could bring thounder down from heaven. He could also call down angels and bring up Demons. Jesus could create and uncreate superman. Superman couldn't hurt jesus because he as in incaruptable body, Jesus is immortal. Jesus can create Kryptonite and bound superman on a planet filled with kryptonite. JESUS has access to all supermans powers and infinity. SUPERMAN DOESN'T HAVE OR STAND A CHANCE TO THE ALMIGHTY.

AMEN!!!!!!!!

According to Christian dogma (at least Catholic) you're supposed to capitalize all the He's and His when referencing Him...Jesus isn't real...he's a literary character from a collection of stories written 2000 years ago by guys who never met him that mirrors pretty much every other Messianic character up until that point (Horus, Mithras, etc.) which would make him a god not God with a capital g...Superman has beaten up gods...he broke into hell and beat up the devil and all his minions (just like JC actually)...God made him a sword at the beginning of creation out of the primordial matter that makes him one with the universe, thus the universe is him and he is the universe...Jesus never says he is the one and only son of God, at least not in the sense that Christianity interprets it...if you take into account the Nag Hammadi texts a re-read of the Bible makes it seem more like he was saying the hippie "we're all sons and daughters of God" type thing...it took an undefeated monster scientifically bred for thousands of years to be the ultimate killer from another world whose only desire was to kill and destroy, who was immortal and everytime he died would come back immune to whatever killed him, pretty strong too...Jesus died of suffocation/a spirror to the side driven into him by some no-name soldier...Superman's outfit is cooler (you can't deny that). Plus...Superman's got an enormous reach advantage. He's 6'4, Jesus was only like 4 feet tall.

Sure, this is 3 years old, but I'm bored. Generally when comparing literary characters (as I will consider Jesus in this, regardless of whether or not he actually was the Son of God begotten not made one in being with the Father)/comic book characters in fights you are only able to use their "on panel" evidence, or what they actually are said to do in their respective texts. You can't use Superman's bio, or all the stuff the Catholic church said that Jesus is/can do, only the stuff in the Bible. So, here we go:
Jesus does not have X-ray vision. Being able to "see into your hearts" is a metaphor. He can't actually look in your chest and see your heart and all the parts that make it up. Even if he did literally mean that, he never actually looks through someone's chest and into their physical heart in the Bible. Superman can see through physical ojects (other than lead), and does consistently (also, recently he has exhibited the ability to see your soul-yes, stupid)
ADVANTAGE: Superman.
Jesus walked on water, Superman can fly at the speed of light. ADVANTAGE: Equal.
Jesus does not have super-strength. Jesus is our strength and his word is our shield are metaphorical, he doesn't actually amplify your physical strength. There is nowhere in the Bible where Jesus exhibits super-strength. Superman can move the moon.
ADVANTAGE: Superman
Both died and came back to life. Jesus was crucified saving the souls of mankind (I'm not sure the exact texts.) Superman died fighting a Doomsday monster that sought to kill everything on Earth, saving the lives of mankind.
ADVANTAGE: Souls > Life. Jesus takes this one.
You didn't throw this in there, but both went down into hell and came back out. Jesus did this after he died (I'm not sure if this is in the Bible or later stories). Superman broke into hell, physically beat up all of Satan's demons then beat up the devil, who was torturing Lois Lane.
ADVANTAGE: Neither, I just think those are cool stories.
Jesus can raise people from the dead, Superman can't. True, but that won't really help in a fight.
ADVANTAGE: Jesus, but power is inconsequential to fight.
Superman can heal people. Injecting his blood into a sick person can heal them. We all know what Jesus can do.
ADVANTAGE: Equal and inconsequential to a fight.
Superman can't deliver people out of demon possession. Jesus can. Doesn't really matter in a fight.
ADVANTAGE: Jesus, but power is inconsequential to fight.
I don't know where Jesus speaks something into existence, I know he transforms water into wine, but I don't remember him actually creating matter.
ADVANTAGE: More information necessary.
Superman can calm the seas, but not with just a command. Doing all his flying around and the rest of the crap he does can have a physical effect on weather. Calming the seas doesn't really matter in a fight, but since Jesus can do that I'm assuming he can control the weather for damaging purposes too.
ADVANTAGE: Jesus. Being able to do it with a command is just way cooler and faster. Granted, weather won't have much of an effect on a guy who can fly into the sun and be fine.
Both can feed thousands with fish and bread. Jesus made a lot of bread and fish out of a little bit. Superman with his super-speed could collect a crapload of bread and fish and pass it out to everyone in the amount of time it takes to blink.
ADVANTAGE: Superman. Just making fish and bread last wouldn't help in a fight. Being faster than sound would.
The last thing, transubstantiation is from the Catholic church, doesn't count.
Superman is invulnerable to everything except Kryptonite and magic. Jesus was killed by a spear.
ADVANTAGE: Superman, in a big way.
Powers not listed: Superman can blast fire as hot as the sun from his eyes. He can create gale force winds with the ability to freeze an object with his breath. He can hear everything on Earth at the same time, but also hear each individual sound at once (Jesus never displays this, or an example of him being all seeing or all knowing). Superman can see through solid objects, has telescopic, infra-red, microscopic vision and the ability to see an object's heat signature.
Jesus has mild reality transforming powers (can turn water into wine). Has the ability to see into the future.
Sorry, as far as fighting powers go displayed "on panel" in their respective literary works, Jesus is no match for Superman. Supes wins as quickly as he wants to. Superman is written to fight, and that's what all his powers are for. Jesus was written as a religious character, a lot of his powers don't matter in a fight. I'm sure your paper is already done though, but if not you might want to do a bit more research on it.

Jesus wouldn't fight back. He'd be forgiving superman as the "soop" beat to sh*t outta him. But, like, superman fights evil. Not Jesus, for...um... Chirst's sake.

I'm going to hell aren't I?

Um i think everyone is forgetting Jesus' best/greatest/biggest ally.... God... all he has to say is "hey, pops snap your fingers" and superman is dead. even if he isn't from this world and god didn't create his kind... he's on earth and that his territory the last time i checked.... Jesus because he has the Man

Although I love the guy, Kal-El would lose to Christ. He's weak against magic, if Captain Marvel can give him a run for his money then the son of God should woop him.

How about the Hulk vs Buddha?

jesus would easily beat superman he has all that crzay miracle shit the real question is who would win out of jesus and santa

Not sticking up for Jesus (baptized and confirmed to believe), but he had an extra man at his back... Judas. That makes 13 men at his back (YES! Yes, I know, that back was also stabbed by Judas, but we are speaking hypothetical here, right? So I am assuming Judas will spring to his side over Superman, he was taught by Jesus for Christ's sake (pun... or whatever... intended))

Winner? I don't care... not a big fan of Jesus... not a big fan of Superman. Both excellent people in my book, just not a big fan....

Thanks chad, I put this in my book of VS! (not verses, VERSUS!) hehe :P

your picture has a nastygram in it now from someone

quit?

Assuming Jesus will give up his "peaceful ways" I'd hafta say Jesus has this one covered. Hands down.

Ok...
1. Jesus is a master of all known and unknown martial arts (says so in the Bible)
2. Jesus can wield any weapon from this world or otherwise, with incredible skill (says so in the Bible)
3. Jesus can operate any vehicle from any planet (says so in the Bible)
4. Jesus possesses every single superpower that it's possible to have (says so in the Bible)
5. Even if Superman did somehow beat Jesus, he would just rise three days later, stronger than ever and mightily pissed off... I'm sure there's something bout that in the Bible somewhere...