Jay: Man, did you see my Longhorns get whooped up on by OU?
Me: You went to college at University of Arizona.
Jay: But I live in Austin.
Me: It doesn’t work like that.
Jay: Whatever, dude. Go Longhorns.

Jay: So anyway, how’s your football team doing?
Me: This week, they’re fifth in the nation.
Jay: What is that? Like Division Two or something?
Me: No, dude. Fifth in the whole nation in Division One A? you know, ranked above the Longhorns.
Jay: Really?
Me: Do you even watch football?
Jay: I’m just trying to make conversation.
Me: Sometimes, I wonder if we’re even related.
Jay: That’s just because I’m better looking.
Me: Yeah, that’s it.

Doug: Dude, you can’t quit drinking.
Me: I didn’t. I just cut down.
Doug: But dude, alcohol makes everything better.
Me: I’m trying to stay focused on my health, dude.
Doug: Bullshit. You just want to pick chicks up at the beach again.
Me: Same thing.
Doug: No it isn’t.
Me: Well it’s close enough.
Doug: No it isn’t.
Me: Maybe it isn’t.

Heather: My boyfriend’s been in Iraq for four months.
Me: Wow. How’s he doing?
Heather: I’m so horny it’s sick.
Me: I’ll bet he is, too.
Heather: He better be. It’s only fair.
Me: You never cheated on him?
Heather: Not yet.
Me: Do you think you will?
Heather: I think I want your phone number.
Me: Hmmm.

Me: Do you think it’s wrong to sleep with the girlfriend of an active duty soldier?
Jake: Which branch?
Me: Why the fuck does that matter?
Jake: Well, if he’s Army or Marines then it’s probably a little wrong because they’re busting their humps in the desert. If he’s Navy or Air Force, he can probably swing the occasional piece of ass on his own, so you know, no big deal. It’s not like they’re married is it?
Me: No, but he is a Marine.
Jake: Is she hot?
Me: Yeah, she’s hot.
Jake: How old is she?
Me: Twenty three.
Jake: Yeah, fuck her dude.
Me: What kind of moral code did you base this on, anyway?
Jake: First, she’s not married. Second, she’s young so their relationship probably won’t last if she’s already considering cheating on him. And third, better she fucks you than some dude that would want to end up in a relationship with her. I say go for it.
Me: I don’t know. I advocate supporting our troops.
Jake: Yeah, but you advocated casual sex way before you started supporting our troops.
Me: Hmmm.

MORE COMEDY:  Working with Eddie

Heather: Do you think there’s a hell?
Me: Why?
Heather: I was just wondering if I’ll ever see you again.
Me: Hmmm.

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