I went to my friend Julie's graduation ceremony on May Fifth, which also happens to be her husband's birthday and her husband happens to be one of my best friends. And her parents even like me. It's nice being in public places where the majority of people like you. That almost never happens in Tampa bars. Heck, it all most never happens to me in Tampa supermarkets. Anyway, congratulations to Julie (who already has a good job) and the rest of the class of 2011 (and good luck finding a job).
You really haven't had roommates until you've slept in a cell for three days with four other dudes and one toilet.
The other day, my friend Ryan introduced me to a girl from Cleveland, Mississippi (population: 12,340) and as luck often has it when my silly self is around, I had been there. Life had once demanded I wind up in Pace, Mississippi and Cleveland was the closest place we could find with a stoplight. I don't know who was more shocked: her for meeting someone who had visited her small, far-off-the-interstate town or me for actually meeting someone from Cleveland, MS (population 12341—the Mason's just had a baby boy). I'd call it a draw, but I'm more of a word man…
You really haven't been confused until you've apologized to corrections officers for "not being normal" as if that, in and of itself, is illegal.
My friend Josh and I often have discussions about who is more intense and/or odd. We always come to the conclusion that I am sure Josh is odder and more intense than I, while Josh always comes to the opposite conclusion. Our friend Pete says Josh comes off as more intense/odd but that I am actually more intense/odd and I just hide it better. My friend Courtney thinks I am much odder than Josh who is a lot more intense than I. The point of this rather pointless paragraph is that I met a dude weirder than me and I am one hundred percent sure he is weirder than me because, unlike others I have accused of being weirder than me, he does not want the title.
You really haven't been clean until you've been scrubbed with bleach.
Yesterday I ran into an old friend who had once said she'd never want to see me again. We spent several minutes catching up before she said, "Oh yeah, now I remember why I hate you. Go to hell!"
And finally, because logic and fluidity really need a nap, I leave you with the following, which one of my friends actually said:
"I consider myself an intellectual, I just hate reading."