By contributing writer Lee Camp
I find it interesting how differently we all celebrate Valentine's Day. For some this holiday of love means spending a quiet evening at home with a soulmate, a bottle of wine, a bearskin rug, and the comforting warmth of everlasting love. For others it entails spending a quiet evening at home alone with a bottle of Aristocrat vodka, a loaded handgun, a picture of their ex and tears streaming down their face. But to each his own.
Valentine’s Day is a terrible holiday for guys because we couldn’t care less about it. And our apathy wouldn’t be a problem except that women view this holiday as their Super Bowl. Think about it: romance, flowers, teddy bears, love letters…all that cutesy crap girls cherish. And it’s our job as guys to make it look like we care about this stuff. It’s not enough for women if we just get them the flowers and the card and leave it at that. We can’t simply walk in, throw the stuff on the table, and go, “Here. Ya happy? Don’t ever say I never did nothin’ for ya.” We can’t do that. We have to convince the girl that the teddy bear is important to us, that it plays an integral role in our life, that we sat in the store for a half hour trying to figure out which teddy bear we had an emotional attachment with. That’s what has to happen to achieve a successful Valentine’s Day.
I always screw up being romantic. One year I bought my girlfriend a really nice jewelry box from that store called “Things Remembered.” Guys, here’s a tip: never buy your girl a jewelry box because there’s nothing worse than watching the disappointment in her eyes when she opens the box expecting jewelry. No girl ever thinks the box is the gift. They’re just dying to see what’s inside the box. Plus, buying a girl a jewelry box is basically like saying, “Hey, I got the box. Now you go buy all the expensive shit to fill it up. I’m only willing to get you the container.” And it didn’t help that that is exactly what I got engraved on the box.
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Speaking of which, shouldn’t they call that store “Good Things Remembered” instead of just “Things Remembered”? I mean, they only carry cutesy mementos like picture frames and trinket boxes. They’re never selling ripped prison uniforms, or restraining orders, or leather bondage outfits made for a 350 pound man. They only sell stuff that reminds you about the good things. It’s false advertising.
Anyway, as tough as buying the gift is, I think buying the card is even harder. Cards are important to girls but not at all to guys. Women view cards as little pieces of love to be preserved forever and possibly framed. Men view cards as glorified post-it notes. If we were allowed to, we would replace Hallmark cards with post-it notes. No more silly jokes or loving poems, just a color system. Orange post-it would mean funny card. Blue would mean love poem. Yellow would mean the guy wasn’t exactly sure which holiday was currently being observed. This system would be much easier on everyone and we could save $4.50 a pop.
Even when I put effort into a card, I can’t pick out a good one. I can’t even understand why women get moved by the poem inside the card that is written by someone neither the girl nor the guy has ever met. Women will read that poem and act like their boyfriend wrote it himself. The smart thing for women to do is read the poem, then go find the guy who wrote it, and fall in love with him. I have an idea for how to solve this problem though. Every card should come blank with a cheat sheet inside that has a copy of the poem. Then we guys could write the poem in our own handwriting inside the card and throw away the cheat sheet. Then we could tell the girl that we wrote it ourselves. It would be a hit because women would be moved to tears of joy, and guys would get to reap the benefits of ensuing sex.
Another reason I hate cards is because walking down that whole Hallmark card aisle is depressing. It reminds you how short life is because it’s actually like a little metaphor for life. You’re walking down the aisle reading each category of cards, “Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Congrats on Your Graduation, Congrats on Your Wedding, Congrats on The New Baby, Get Well Soon, Sorry to Hear about Your Loss.” That’s all life is! I was sick two weeks ago and someone sent me the “Get Well Soon” card, and I thought, “Oh shit! I’m only one shelf away!” It’s scary. They should just sell cards that say, “Congrats! You’re Five-Eighths of The Way Through Life!” If they did that, we would only need two sections at the card store—Smokers and Non-Smokers. Of course, there would be a few less cards in the Smokers section.
But for Valentine’s Day you have to walk down the relationship card aisle, and it too is like a little metaphor for the relationship. The categories are “I Miss You, I Love You, Happy Anniversary, Happy Anniversary, Hope We Can Stay Friends.” It’s the perfect chronology.
Buying the romantic card is awkward for a guy because we want to get the girlfriend a nice card, but we don’t want to spend too much money. So we have to stand in the store and think to ourselves, “How much is her love worth to me? …Certainly not $6.50.” Plus, it’s embarrassing to flip over every card in order to check the price. But I’ve figured out a quicker indicator: the more romantic the card is, the more expensive it is. Don’t even check the back anymore, just read the card. If the it says something like, “Your love grips me with the warmth of a blanket…” you know you can’t afford it. If the card says something lame like, “I love you,” you still can’t afford it. But if the card is a piece of torn cardboard and says in crayon, “Nice haircut,” then that’s the right price for your budget. On a somewhat related note, my girlfriend hasn’t spoken to me since Valentine’s Day.
Anyway, this brings me to my ultimate solution to the Valentine’s Day problem. The way to make Valentine’s Day a happy occasion for both genders is to have women celebrate it with each other rather than with a guy. The way I envision it, each of you ladies would be assigned another girl to buy girly crap for. Then you all would exchange your little stuffed animals, and bath gels, and assorted flowers, and charm bracelets, and baby pictures, and moisturizer, and babies that spit out moisturizer, etc., etc. But then that night you would come home to your guy and pretend like he was the one who had given you all that stuff. This way women would get all their pastel, mango-scented, heart-shaped junk and guys would get all the credit without even having to know when Valentine’s Day is.
Now, I’m sure you ladies are thinking this is a ridiculous idea. But allow me to point out that this is exactly how we guys celebrate the Super Bowl: We don’t expect women to know much about it or even when it is. We go and celebrate it with other guys and each of us buys some of the guy stuff, like buffalo wings, beer, and chips. We have our fun, and then later that night, if our team has won, we come home and treat our girl as if she had somehow contributed to their victory.
So we guys can have our holiday, and you women can have yours. Deal?? (Ladies, please send your representative to meet with me about this idea. Hopefully we’ll have something hammered out in the coming weeks. Guys, in the meantime don’t say anything stupid.)