The Universal Power of Chicken

How man's most delicious meal brings everyone together.

Fried chicken drumsticks

In the beginning, Ra created man. And then this man I shall name Richard Ahmed Jong-Il Mandela was super chilled out. He had a dog named Konstantine. Ra saw this and he was pleased. (By the way I have chosen Ra because he is generally seen as a now-defunct godlike entity and I don't want to be hated by all of you religious types and your imaginary friends. I want you to hate for something else.) Somewhere along the line Richard Ahmed Jong-Il Mandela got tired of eating bananas and shit and told Ra he need something more tasty. Then Ra created the chicken (yes, before the egg) and our friend R.A.J.M. was over the moon. He fried it, grilled it, and everything else you can do with this delicious creature.

Then Ra created a companion for the man call Sarah Palin Fatima Suu Kyi Jenkins and everything was shot to shit. This woman took over the cooking, brought back vegetables, started cooking cows, and a mere two months later R.A.J.M. became the first man to commit suicide. Ra rest his soul.

Chicken will be the healer of nations, with the potential to cease all conflict.So what went wrong? The chicken was removed. You never remove the chicken. Every man knows that Ra created the most delicious animal ever so that we could spend our days eating wings and getting nice and fat. We are supposed to run after these speedy creatures, catch them, and dip them into anything that renders them unhealthy and super-edible. Therefore, vegetarians are lazy and don't know how to cook chicken.

I Haz a Flavor, I Keeps It (chicken running fast)
Whoa, look at him go!

After the great Chicken Census of '03, it was estimated that there were over 24 billion chickens on Earth. That's nearly four to five times more than people. So now, Mr. Vegan, do you understand why we keep them in tiny cages and mass produce them for systematic consumption? KFC and Popeye's are human beings' Final Solution to solving the chicken revolution. Only difference is we don't put them on trains to death camps headed for giant ovens. Well, we do, but we have battery farms and not trains. (Sorry for all the Nazi/Third Reich references, I was just falling into Mein Kampf-ort zone.)

As a brown man, I will inform you that every Sunday there will be chicken for lunch. So far I have consumed approximately 1,066 chicken meals on Sundays (this does not include chicken eaten on days other than Sunday). Nobody dares break this tradition because we know that every brown/black person on this Earth can commit and cover up a murder. This includes Mr. Barack "ChkinLovaLova_142" Obama.

Colonel Sander with a tshirt on that says 'Bitches don't know bout my herbs and spices'
The man who has irreversibly changed the culture of black people worldwide, and for that we give him an honorary Ghetto Pass.

Humans love chicken so damn much we even eat aborted fetus chicken babies for breakfast. What the hell would we be eating for breakfast if chickens became pro-choice? Abortion isn't murder, abortion is breakfast. Scrambled eggs, eggs benedict, hard-boiled eggs, all that shit is the poultry equivalent of stem cell research. If the chickens ever came into power, man, it would be worse than the motherfucking cyborgs....

Chicken will be the healer of nations, with the potential to cease all conflict. If North Korea and South Korea were about to fuck shit up, it would only take one dude at the back to shout, "Hey, North Korea! You rike-a chicken-a dim sum?" and Kim Jong-Il would be like, "Herr yeah, chicken-a dim sum is my shit! You guys arright, we no fuck shit up today." Wow, that was surprisingly lacist. But the show continues.

If we could take like 1 billion chickens and just deliver them to Ethiopia, Sudan, etc, the civil wars and genocide would stop immediately. The only reason those countries are still at war and way below the poverty line is A) it's hot and B) they're hungry. After 20 years in a desert country with no chicken, just chilling in 45 degree weather, I would kill every man, woman and child I saw until somebody delivered me a bucket of KFC. I have seen drivers jump out of cars to get their hands on some goddamn KFC and a Heineken. Maybe that's just brown people though.

Chicken feet
What the cluck? (I'm sorry but somewhere along the line I had to say it.)

The only thing I cannot fucking understand is why people eat chicken feet. You don't see me eating cow-hoof sammich, what's with chicken feet? There can't be much meat on it, so what's the damn point? One thing's for sure though, eating chicken feet is one bit of crazy we know for a fact white people didn't invent.


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Mike Lamb's picture

I love this article.

Lyle van der Berg's picture

Thanks man. I think I had some Bad Acid before I wrote this. Huh? Huh? See what I did there?

80% of the articles on this site are pure shit. This one was excellent.

Lyle van der Berg's picture

Ah, Anonymous. You are apparently one of the most prolific Internet commenters in the world. I have so for counted 3.6million comments you have made on the web, and I'm only 30% done with it. Unlike most of the negative comments I have discovered, this one is positive. Thank you all the same.

There isn't much meat on a chicken's foot; however, there is a little, and when prepared correctly, it is delicious. I have to admit, the talons are a little difficult to look past. I'm fairly certain that Asian people are the ones that started eating chicken feet. China has over a billion people and neither enough space nor food for all of them-- so they don't waste anything. Chicken feet is actually considered a delicacy... kind of like white people and blue crabs.

Youre funny, brown man!!!