Ten Things John Wayne Never Said in His Western Films

1. “Oh, damn it. Mother sucking. This really humps my ache.”

2. “I just found out that Car 54 is doodling my wife.”

3. “Time to shoot El Fucko in the back.”

4. “Ever hear about that movie that gave me cancer? It did, you know. Believe.”

5. “Billy Crystal? Why is he here? Make him go now.”

6. “Horse riding hurts my gonads so fuckin' much.”

7. “How can it be loaded? It's made out of plastic, you tard.”

8. “I celebrate Stoner's Day 71 times a month.”

9. “Why don't you find a condom and suck the dick that's in it?”