Everyone lies. Whether it’s cheating or stealing or filling your water cup with Mountain Dew and giggling stupidly in the corner of Taco Bell, everybody lies.

Except while drunk.

This is the beauty of alcohol. It makes people honest, and don’t you dare say "brutally" honest, because there is no such thing. Sometimes honesty is brutal, but in the end, it is simply the truth, no matter how much hurts, or how much puke you get on your shoes.

Here are some conversations that people would have in everyday life if daytime drinking wasn’t so heavily looked down upon.

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself, Greg.
Greg: Well, I graduated from the school in my state with the highest ranking based off USNews.com. I cheated in every class that used Scantrons and used my fraternity’s test files for essays and midterms. I’d say in total I avoided over 1000 hours of studying.
Interviewer: Very impressive. Now, lie to my face about why you want to work here.
Greg: Happily. I feel that your company’s mission statement is in line with my values and work experience, and I am excited about the product line.
Interviewer: And now the truth.
Greg: $80K + Bonus.
Interviewer: Word. Now, what can you bring to the company that others could not?
Greg: Well, since I graduated high school I have successfully taken the virginity of more than 15 girls, talked my way into over 70 parties at which I was not on the guest list, and become a regular at three bars…before I turned 21.
Interviewer: You’re going to break our sales record.
Greg: And bang your secretary.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Student: Because I have Greek letters on my car?
Cop:
And you have license plate banner from a more prestigious university than mine.
Student: Oh yeah, how could I forget?!
Cop: So, I’m going to pretend I think that you’re drunk and make you get out of the car and conduct embarrassing tests in hopes of getting you so frustrated that you verbally lash out and give me reason to arrest you.
Student: I have an incredible desire to make a sarcastic comment about how I’m glad my tax payer dollars are going to a good cause, but I will refrain because Ryan’s having that sick house party tonight and I don’t want to miss it.
Cop: Fine, but at least let me stare at you questionably so that you plead your innocence in a slightly demeaning way.
Student: Fair enough. Now, please get back to arresting 20-year-olds for drinking beer and disregarding the growing murder rate.
Cop: Happily!



The sober version is always more awkward.
Confused Girl: I do believe I am still drunk from last night.
Confused Guy: I do believe I am still wearing the condom from last night.
Confused Girl: Good thing I have a boyfriend and am therefore on birth control, because the condom obviously broke.
Confused Guy: I guess that’s how I was able to blow it on your chest.
Confused Girl: That would explain the toilet paper.
Confused Guy: I’m glad you’re not ugly, like most of the girls I wake up with.
Confused Girl: I’m glad you’re obviously not smart enough to go to the same school as me, so there’s very little chance anyone will ever find out about this.
Confused Guy: I’ve never had to lie more about knowing what someone was talking about than last night.
Confused Girl: I was just glad to have a blank canvas on which to splatter my radical idealism.
Confused Guy: You should leave now.
Confused Girl: You should fall back asleep and forget what I look like.
Confused Guy: Deal.


Brad: I had sex with a slutty girl last night without a condom when I was drunk and now my penis itches. Do you have any ambiguous advice you would like to offer based on your obvious minimal experience with sexually transmitted diseases?
Matt: Would you like me to be honest and rational or do you want to continue being sexually promiscuous while consistently blocking out the thought of unavoidable painful urination?
Brad: I like sex.
Matt: You’re fine; stop being paranoid.


John: Hi, my name is Recently-Pressed Collared Button-Down with Silver Hoop Earrings.
Rachel: It’s nice to meet you; I’m Overly Crimped Red Head With Incredible Cleavage. I hope you don’t mind if I never turn my back to you.
John: Yes, the cleavage is actually what caught my eye. It’s definitely a positive considering your lack of posterior voluptuousness.
Rachel: Your potential attractiveness has sparked my interest, but I’m going to need at least three more shots if you plan on taking me home. Also, I have a boyfriend, so if we could keep our conversation full of surface level superficiality that’d be great.
John: Thank you for not informing me of the boyfriend you obviously have. I would like to now buy you enough alcohol to get you tipsy and comfortable, but not so drunk that I feel creepy for taking advantage of a drunk girl.
Rachel: I like tequila.


Joe: Hi Amanda, your ass looks exceptionally fuckable today.
Amanda: I think you’re a douchebag Joe, but your blunt honesty and obvious sexual prowess could definitely earn you a handjob.
Joe: No thanks, I’d rather jackoff to YouPorn.
Amanda: Suit yourself; give me a call though if you strike out at the bars.
Joe: Will do; now if you don’t mind, I’m going to pretend to talk on the phone while I stare at your ass as you walk away.
Amanda: I wouldn’t wear this tight of jeans if I didn’t want you to.

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