Modern Day Robot Asskickery

Yesterday's robot is today's flabby ex-bodybuilder.

Arnold as the Terminator

Robots are cool. Unfortunately, pretty soon they'll be able to make mincemeat out of your pansy ass. You think the Terminator was a badass? That pussy couldn't even go back in time and "terminate" his own illegitimate child. I'm talking about drug lord-burning, Pakistani kid-frying, "oh hey innocent Afghani civilian, sorry didn't see ya there"-roasting fuckin' robots.

For every 50 human troops we have in Afghanistan (don't know if horse cavalry is counted) we have one robot. 1400 were sent over in 2011 alone. So what are these metal bots that are hardwired for ass-clapping and ball-busting really like?

Squad Mission Support System (SMSS)

Lockheed Martin SMSS infantry support robot vehicle 

Lockheed Martin's SMSS is 11 feet of hard steel xenophobic range-roving that, even as a guy robot, would get Burt Reynolds hard. This wheeled terrorist sodomizing machine can carry up to 1200 pounds of cargo at a range of up to 125 miles (far enough to kill 2,500 gypsies... I checked).

Clint Eastwood in a gay pose
The SMSS and its crew.



BigDog

BigDog Robot military assistant 

BigDog is a bundle of robot that runs on the tears of children and ejaculates fully mature Storm Troopers. This son-of-a-mech would sit Duane Chapman's puppy ass on the porch. This bad mamma jamma can carry up to 340 pounds while hopping along the world's roughest terrains like he was Muhammad walking on water. Or Jesus. Or John Travolta. Whatever. Anyway, BigDog is so rugged it makes Clint Eastwood look like he should be on the next Dancing with the Stars with Richard Simmons as his partner. Apparently it was designed by the French, though, because it walks kind of like a gay dog with hemorrhoids.



Predator Drone

Predator drone aircraft 

There is not one piece of ass-kicking grace that has baptized more children with the blood of their parents than the heralded Predator Drone. With attacks in both the Middle East and even the ongoing Mexican Drug War (not sure if they're used for the US/drug cartel side or the US/Mexican government side), the United States of You're My Bitch has been waxing fools with these for years. Imagine you're a kid with a remote control airplane, but that airplane was like the love child of Hideki Tojo and Ursula (never said they were pretty). These ass blasters fly faster than Superman and are more devastating than a Steven Seagal front kick. Now watch this drive.



But it's not all cunt-punting and missiles to the dome with robots. Here are some new and kinda gay things being done with robots.

  • Robots in a game of mixed gene inheritance develop altruism as predicted by Hamilton's rule. Only a dirty Swissman would have enough time to get robots to evolve sharing while we're out kicking everybody's asses.
  • German scientists thought they were pretty cool so they took a break from sausage and driving like pissed off teenagers to get robots to communicate with bees. Apparently bees shake it like a Polaroid picture in what they call a "waggle dance" (sounds like a trick play on Madden '98) to lead each other to food and water. As Beyoncé put it when questioned, these wax-covered bee robots attracted real bees to "Check Up On It" and go in whichever direction these beebots chose.
  • You may think Australia is all hot chicks and big spiders, but they dabble a bit in robotics during low tide. The University of Queensland has successfully gotten robots to develop a language to communicate about locations that weren't immediately in front of them, such as behind doors. Unfortunately, the robots had goofy accents so nobody could understand a damn word they said.

So technology is rapidly catching up to human intelligence. As Kurzweil put it, artificial intelligence will continue to exponentially increase, while technological innovations will decrease in size to the point that the Patriot Act will include anal probing without you even noticing (the Annunaki won't be the only ones anymore).

Star Wars storm trooper fail

However, there are some instances when the animals that Xenu brought to Earth are just better than modern technology. For instance, bees are some pretty sharp motherfuckers. They have complex hive structures and even give their queen royal jelly that extends her lifespan and allows her to get clusterfucked her whole life and spout out more bees (same with Lindsay Lohan, but thankfully we don't let her reproduce). They can monitor air quality, recognize facial expressions, and even avoid being killed by toxins put on plants that the government found out would kill them, but put on there anyway. (Well, two out of three isn't bad.) Despite having brains about the size of Rush Limbaugh's cock, bees outperform supercomputers in finding the most efficient route in networks of hundreds of flowers. Now imagine if we could just make them find the most efficient route between between gays and Muslims.



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