Well, it's 2013 now, and I'm feeling a little let down. I had hoped that we would be flying around on jetpacks and getting robotic implants or something. (Side note: If Apple ever makes a contact lens computer, I hope they call it the iPatch. Ha. Ha.) I mean, there's a lot of cool stuff out there, but it still feels like the same place. And that's mainly because it's still populated with the same jackasses and idiots.
Let me clarify… I'm not saying I'm smarter than everybody else, because I certainly qualify as an idiot myself. But there are at least three times a day when I find myself in literal awe of the fact that someone would say or do something so goddamn stupid. I've found that the internet is a great tool for finding those rare jewels of colossal ignorance. Those people you watch to feel better about yourself always slide the scale over a bit. Like, if someone that ridiculously retarded exists, I have to be on the good side of the curve, right? But those people aren't the majority. Not everyone spews out nuggets like Miss Teen South Carolina. Most people are stupid in subtler, but equally stupid ways.
I hate when people call babies "miracles." The next time I take a shit I'm calling it a miracle. "Hey I wouldn't go in there right now, it's a little miraculous at the moment."I used to get weed from this guy who for some reason decided he would use code words on the phone. So for example he would make people call an eighth a "pizza," a half eighth a "half pizza," and so on. Which is stupid to begin with… like if anyone was listening in they would just think he's the fucking DiGiorno boy, handing out pizzas all day. But it would get hilariously stupid when people would say shit to him like, "Hey man can I get two pizzas? And you don't have to separate them, I'll take them together. And can I see it on the scale?" What. The. Fuck. Are you seriously saying those words right now? On what planet does that shit make any sense whatsoever? Who the hell weighs their pizzas? And just throw them together, because you eat your pizza in a giant lump? Why even bother using code if you're going to say that? If for some reason the cops did have your phone tapped, there is no way they would just go, "Oh yeah, they're talking about pizza, that seems legit." There was a time when I wanted to get $45 worth, so I texted him, "Hey man, I got 45 is that cool?' And I swear to God this is his exact response: "Okay, I got the pizza in the oven at 45 degrees." Are you out of your mind? That's colder than room temperature. Ovens can't even go that low—that would be refrigerating the damn pizza.
"10-4, call off the sting, it's just a couple of guys using giant oregano."
A lot of people get really dumb when it comes to children too. I hate when people call babies "miracles." What is so amazing about having a baby? It would be a miracle if your baby was born with wings, or if you gave birth to a fully grown person. But if you have a normal baby, congratulations, you had sex, presumably with a person of the opposite gender, and nature took its course. Do you want a medal for that? Seriously, the next time I take a shit I'm calling it a miracle. "Hey I wouldn't go in there right now, it's a little miraculous at the moment." Also, let me just say, none of us care about your shitty kid. I guarantee your kid is not going to say anything I want to hear. No child is an interesting person, period. If you had a friend who legitimately acted like a child, you would call him a dumbass and never hang out with him again. "I like ponies! Can I have some raisins? I don't like vegetables!" "Shut the fuck up, Bill. Why am I even friends with you? You don't enrich my life in any way. And put your damn pants on, everyone is staring at you." So when you come at me with your snot-nosed brat, just know that I am most likely not listening to anything you say about it, and if you leave me alone with it I am going to teach it to do things you probably don't want a 3-foot tall version of you to do in public.
But the crowning moron, the biggest dipshit I have ever met, was this girl I knew who had panic attacks or some shit, and her doctor prescribed her Xanax. This girl would take like five at a time, and get so fucked up it went past being funny, into being just sad, then right back through to funny again. I've never seen a grown-ass adult literally drool into their own lap until this person. She had at least four shirts with giant holes in them from when she would nod down with a lit cigarette. It seriously looked like she set herself on fire, it was insane. One time I saw her with a full bottle of some drink sitting on the couch, and it all spilled on the floor. Like it was in her hands, and the whole goddamn thing just glugged out onto the carpet. And I'm sitting there watching this take place thinking, "She's gonna notice and stop dumping that out… Wow, this isn't even her house, there's no way she's going to continue dumping that entire sticky, sugary drink on someone else's— No, that's exactly what she's going to do. Damn."
In conclusion, if there's one hope I have for the future, it's that scientists will discover a way to make human beings less stupid, because I don't know if I can handle another sixty years with these assholes.