How to Survive in the Past

Medieval fighter

Let's say that you wake up one day, and you're smack in the middle of the past. Now, there are a few things that you need to know, unless you want the people in the past to kill you, lock you up, or make fun of you.

1. Dress accordingly.

People in the 1500's aren't going to think your "personally expressive" clothes are normal. They're going to think you're a witch, an alien, or gay. So with that in mind, try to sneak up behind someone, hit them with something heavy, and put on their clothes. Don't have a bitch fit, it's already weird as shit that you're in the past, it's not going to be any weirder because your junk is rubbing up against some dirty peasant/Egyptian/flapper's loin cloth. Plus, I for one have always wanted to pull that old switcheroo. It'll be fun, I swear.

2. Use the right lingo.

Nothing will get you taken out and stoned quicker than calling someone from the past "dude" or "brah." Unless you go back to the 60's, in which case by that point you're probably already stoned. Here's a little checklist that you can use to determine what you should say based on what the local populace is doing.

If they're thatching a roof with mud and shit or sieging a castle, say, "Ho my good sir, whence way is the olde pub?"

If they're gathered around a still or wearing knickerbockers, say, "You're the bee's knees, the cat's pajamas! Vote for Taft!"

If they're calibrating their fusion-powered space ships or being enslaved by alien overlords with tentacles, you're in the future. Why the fuck are you reading this?

3. Avoid paradoxes.

I hear you say, "I've never seen a dox, much less a pair of them." Yeah, you think you're so funny dickhead, well I'm going to ignore that and continue with this list that will probably save your ass someday. Because paradoxes are tricky, and a lot of people fuck up. They go back in time and think, "Haha, wouldn't it be funny if I went back in time and fucked my grandma when her breasts didn't get caught in her shoelaces?" No. Now you're your own grandpa, and I fucking hate that song.

Another common paradox is the predestination paradox. Essentially, this means that you're predestined to make the same mistakes over and over again, which if my plans to get Bush elected a third time go through, proves that this applies even to entire countries. (Okay, that was bullshit, I have no idea what the predestination paradox means; it's probably a lot more scientific than that.) I know it's hard to not beat up your dad when he's three for taking your bong away that one time, or to not kill Albert Einstein, but seriously, it kinda fucks things up for the space-time continuum.

4. Get a job.

I know this sounds a little strange, I mean what fun is it being the only person alive who knows what a Honda Civic is if you're working a lame job? But believe me, being poor in the past is not something you want. Unless you like eating rats. So one of the things you want to do is find out what sort of employment you could get in the past.

Here are a few suggestions:

Dead Corpse Checker - It's a well known fact that in the past, medical science was not as good as it is today. So a lot of "doctors" would just chuck any old person into a grave and call it a day. This gave rise to a lot of people complaining that they weren't dead when they got buried, so they created this job. And it's super easy. You come from a more advanced time, you should know how to check a pulse.

Innkeeper
Bonafide past-pussy MAGNATE.
Innkeeper - I'm pretty sure that innkeepers get free booze and all the inn-slut ass they can handle. This is an optimal job.

Pyramid Builder - I read somewhere that they got paid in beer. This cuts out a step in the process, because trust me, once you see the hours you have to work you're going to be drunk as hell all the time.

Monocle Maker - Nothing says sophisticated like half a pair of glasses, and the people who made them were the coolest people in society.

Food Tester - The average person's diet in the past consisted of bread, hardtack, and tapeworms. Now the king, well, he ate like a king and you could too if you don't mind the occasional poisoning attempt. Besides, aren't people from nowadays immune to poisons from the past? Sounds like solid reasoning to me.

1930's Newspaper Boy - This of course wouldn't work if you went back to ancient Greek times, because they don't have those cabby hats, and they wouldn't understand you when you shout, "Extree, Extree, read all about it!" But if you are in the 30's, this is a good job to meet the ladies.

5. Rip off the present.

Velcro close-up
Velcro: Yours for the taking. Add to shoes and become a world hero.
Exploit your knowledge of the future at every possible opportunity. Pretend you invented Velcro, or wrote that Lil' Wayne song about the lollipops. You could also use anything you might have in your pockets to impress people, such as a driver's license, or a cigarette lighter. This could entirely rule out the need to keep that lame job you should have already gotten, since people will pay a lot of money just to look at an iPod, not to mention the fact that all the chicks would probably want to suck the dick of anyone who had a quarter from 30 years in the future.

Let me say this though: be careful. You might think that picking up that slut in your VW van made out of sticks and logs and shit is a cool way to start off an evening of past-fucking, but the local townsfolk might try to slay the "demon wagon"—and wooden vans are surprisingly flammable. Also, if you get the times a little wrong and try to say you invented the color television in the 80's, you're going to be a laughingstock and you will never get any past-pussy.

Now you might be complaining to yourself, "How am I supposed to check my Facebook or not contract syphilis? The past sucks! I want to go home." And you're totally right, the past blows, but there are also a lot of cool things and vaginas in the past. And plus, you're stuck there. I'm not a damn scientist; I don't know how to time travel. You're the one in the past, figure it out. At least now you have a better idea how to bang women and survive in the past though.

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The Man's picture

If I could travel back to the 1700’s I would bring with me, four cans of Spam, a Swiss Army knife and a fifteen inch dildo. With these tools I would be able to take over the world.

Yeah, I like men.

Nate Marmaro's picture

Well then you would really like the past, because it's full of men.

haha i get it. just like his butthole. full of men. you're fucking funny.