Guys, when you want to flirt with a girl, your communication options depend on how well you know her. For the sake of simplicity, I will analyze two different scenarios. The first scenario is if you already know the girl, meaning you have mutual friends, you're already friends with her on Facebook, and if you see her out you hug her and have a five-second bullshit conversation. The second scenario is if you just met the girl.

Scenario #1: You already know the girl.

Instagram

Instagram logoInstagram action requires the least amount of thought as a flirtation outlet. I love it because it is simple. It's not nearly as public as Facebook and you can only perform three actions: request to follow, like, or comment. Do whatever the fuck you want on Instagram. Obviously, don't like every one of her pictures because that is insane. Like one in every five so she sees your name pop up on her phone. This will make her think of you and might trigger a text or Facebook chat down the road. If she reciprocates the likes on your photos you can move on to a more serious communication outlet like Facebook.

Facebook Likes

Facebook logoLiking something has the least amount of meaning on Facebook. Don't like every single one of her profile pics, but every now and then you should like her action to let her know that you are relevant and that you approve of her work. Use sparingly. The more likes you throw out the less meaningful they become.

Facebook Comments

Do not ever comment on her posts unless someone has tagged you and forced you to defend yourself, or has given you a lay-up to talk shit. Comments are slightly more valuable than likes, but they are still just another method of letting her know you exist without actually talking to her.

Facebook Poke

The poke is the most under-utilized method of communication on Facebook. Sending a poke is a great way to initiate a conversation without actually initiating a conversation. Poking a girl on Facebook basically means you want to poke her in real life. It usually triggers a chat from the girl being poked like, "why did you poke me lol?" Just like that, the poker started a conversation without even really starting it. Victory. If she pokes you back you can start a little poke war that will eventually lead into a humorous conversation. If she doesn't respond at all to the poke, abort mission and start talking to other girls because she hates you and thinks you are a fucking weirdo for performing such a taboo act on Facebook.

Facebook Chat

A chat is a little more serious than a poke because you actually have to say something that warrants a response. The good news is you have been practicing this technique since AIM. You are a veteran. But, the game has changed. You aren't sitting at your porn-infested desktop waiting for BALLETDANCER1990 to pop up on your buddy list. If you Facebook chat a girl, it means you were probably on her profile or you searched through 200 online friends and noticed the green dot next to her name. This already makes you slightly creepy. I would normally not advise this action unless you are in class with her and you can make a joke about how you don't attend any of the lectures. If you aren't in the same room as her, throw her an emoji and see what happens.

The most common texting error is to send a text on Friday night asking your crush if she's going out.The scariest part of Facebook chat is the "seen" feature. If a girl reads it and doesn't respond, I recommend clearing the conversation and exiting the chat. Although she ignored you completely, clearing the conversation will at least make it seem like it never happened. Keep in mind that most girls are on Facebook to check photos and are not looking to get inundated with chats from guys telling them how fucked up they were the night before. I used to be a big fan of initiating conversations with, "I blacked out last night." However, I noticed my response rate decreased to about 65% the more I opened with this. Think Tinder: if you are going to say something, say something that warrants a response, like a devil-faced emoji or one of those new gigantic cats. Girls love cats.

Facebook Wall

This isn't 2009; do not write on her wall. Write on a mutual friend's wall instead. Go to her profile and view her "Close Friends." Pick out one that you are friends with and write an inside joke on that person's wall. This puts your name in her head and creates jealousy. The best time to do this is when you and your crush are both available on Facebook chat. That way she sees you are active on Facebook but you aren't talking to her. This is widely recognized as the "Little Bighorn Technique." Go after her surroundings before actually going after her. If she doesn't initiate after fifteen minutes, update your status or sign off and start your jack-off routine.

SnapChat

Snapchat logoSnapChat is great because there are unwritten rules of SnapChat. Some snaps warrant a response while others do not. Some snaps are sent to a group while some are personalized. The ambiguity of SnapChat makes this app your perfect tool to get a girl's attention without her knowing it's just for her. If you want to find out what she's doing that night, send her a selfie snap of yourself making a fucked up face with a clever caption asking if they are partying. Again, this doesn't warrant a response but it lets her know you are fun and are going out.

If you're trying to get nudes, you have to Snap like a magician. Send her a snap video that moves slowly up your legs and ends on a carrot popping erotically out of your pants. Caption it: "boobs for balls?" If she opens it and doesn't respond, immediately send her a follow-up snap of your face saying, "Just kidding!"

Texting

Texting is the most serious and common form of communication that we have today. Unlike a snap, it's just to her. The most common texting error is to send a text on Friday night asking your crush if she's going out. All that means is, "Hey are we potentially going to be drinking in the same location so I can black out and talk to you and maybe hook up with you?" Girls get it.

If you are bold enough to send a text, do it during the week and send them a clever picture or present them with a topic they enjoy. Again, you can always just throw an emoji at them and see how they work with it. Make sure you take longer than her to respond. If she responds in fifteen minutes, you respond in thirty. If she hits you with a one-word response, delete her from your Facebook, unfollow her on Instagram, and drive your car straight into the Pacific Ocean.

Phone Call

It's hard to place importance on a phone call because they simply do not happen. I remember talking to girls on the phone in seventh grade, but I think that's the last time I did it. It's hard to believe this was the only form of communication our parents had. If you liked someone, you called them. If they liked you back they called you back. Today, if you call a girl that you like, you are either completely obliterated or you lost a bet with your friends. If a girl calls you, it means she found out something terrible you did or is also drunk off her ass. If you call a girl and she doesn't pick up, you should leave a horrifying voicemail detailing how destroyed you are and how much you love her. If she does pick up, hang up immediately and text her that you accidentally dialed her number with your ass. If she texts you saying, "hey did you call?" respond with 50 red mean-faced emojis.

Scenario #2: You just met the girl and have no idea what your next step should be.

The impossible happened. You met a girl out on Friday night and were coherent enough to exchange numbers and remember her first and last name. You know nothing about this girl. You don't know any of her friends and you can't name every guy she's been with in the past four years. However, you aren't in college anymore so you might not run into the girl unless you actually try to contact her.

How do you contact her? Do you take her on a date? Do you text her? Do you friend her? Do you follow her on Instagram? Do you send her a Tweet? Do you add her on LinkedIn? Do you match with her on Tinder? Do you tell her you love her?

The answer is a combination of Facebook friend requests, texts, and timing.

On Friend Requests and Texting

You wake up on Saturday morning and flip open your laptop to make sure the person you talked to last night doesn't actually look like a character from The Hills Have Eyes. You type in the name and go to their blocked profile. Then you friend request her… if you're an idiot. If you friend her the day after you meet you can kiss her goodbye. Also, don't text her the day after you meet her. You will probably wake up still drunk from the night before and send something like, "haha well we were pretty drunk last night but it was nice meeting you." Go ahead and send that if you want to look like a complete jackass. If you do anything that resembles showing the slightest amount of interest the next day you may as well take a shotgun to your dick.

If you wake up to a friend request from her, she's an idiot. Although you'll celebrate briefly in your head, you have to assume the girl is extremely desperate and has no game whatsoever for initiating that early in the game. Not to mention you would have to wait at least five hours before accepting it to make it look like you aren't sitting at your computer waiting for exactly that to happen. If you are both intelligent, there will be a two-day stalemate before any attempt at contact by either party.

If no friend request occurs, your only other option is to initiate a text, and pray for a response. Somehow work your weekend plans into the conversation and hopefully you will run into her again. If she doesn't respond to your text, text her a screenshot of your text and ask her if she got your last text. If she doesn't respond to that, repeat. If the text goes green when you text her you have to assume she's dead. If that is the case, move on to another girl.

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