My mentally unstable sister recently made the decision to shack up with her douche boyfriend and move to Fort Lauderdale, where he will probably find a job at a tattoo parlor, as she continues her life-journey as a whore. She let me know about the move two days before it happened, seeking out my unconditional support. "I don’t give a shit where you strip," I uttered. I believe her curt response fell somewhere in the "Fuck you, Adam" range but I hung up the phone before she could say my name.
As much as I hate to see my sister move so far away, Florida is a fantastic state with a diverse culture and scenic attractions. Every time I visit friends, I enjoy the great weather, wonderful food, and the miles of beaches, but I know very little about the Sunshine State. This led me to do some historical research, and put a little something together from my viewpoint.
If you are going to call yourself the greatest country in the world, you need a geographical penis, and Florida logically fits the bill. As the 27th state, Florida has provided the world with jerk-off sports teams, early bird specials, hurricanes, and plenty of illegal Cubans.
1513-1844: Paella and Chicken Wings
On April 2nd, 1513, famed explorer Juan Ponce de León spotted the Florida peninsula from a distance, and shouted to his crew, "I think I see a Hooters!" For two days and nights, the explorer and his team feasted on draft beer and overcooked wings while being subjected to small talk with big-breasted, emotionally-draining single mothers.
Native Americans had migrated to the soil thanks in part to the abundant water supply, warm climate, and non-existent income tax laws. French and Spanish settlements entered the picture and began to kill off the Seminole swamp monkeys in hopes of preventing the world from having to deal with future shitty casinos. Oceanfront property was in abundance, but since the settlers were highly under-qualified, unable to speak English, and incapable of accurately filling out a Century 21 job application, they were forced to rely on weaponry. The real estate war was on, but some stingy assholes wanted their piece.
The Civil War took a toll on Florida, as dance clubs in Miami had to shut down for weeks, and the first annual "Battle of the Bods" was horrifically marred by a confused Union army.English from the north invaded the newly colonized area to do what the English did best: kill foreigners. According to several sources, the English burnt the city of St. Augustine to the ground "several times." How the hell do you burn something to the ground "several times"? That has to be a typo. It isn’t like these English guys hung out at the airport La Quinta long enough for the settlement to rebuild so they could toss a few more Molotov cocktails around.
In 1763, Britain gained control of Florida through the Peace of Paris treaty, pissing off every Spaniard around. Now the tables were turned and the Spanish people were forced to do what the Spanish did best: make paella. The name "Treaty of Paella-Pallooza" didn’t stick, so it was quickly changed to the Treaty of Versailles. The British, having only ever experienced dry, flavorless food, showed their culinary appreciation by turning the land back over to Spain in 1783. Here we are. Britain and Spain own the country’s future phallic symbol, and they both received it with French named treaties. Fucking pathetic.
1845: The Year of Juice
Fast forward to March, 1845 when the Americans finally took back the orange growing capitol of the world and instituted Florida as a US state. We got juice now, bitches!!!
1846-1882: The Civil War and Idiots
The Civil War took a toll on Florida, as dance clubs in Miami had to shut down for weeks on end. Puff Daddy and Beyoncé were forced to live in their Los Angeles beach homes until tensions subsided.
In April 1864, the most infamous Civil War battle in Florida took place during Fort Lauderdale’s spring break week. The first annual "Battle of the Bods" was horrifically marred by a confused Union army. Thinking that the battle was military-based, 400 northern soldiers invaded the city, murdering more than a thousand MTV cameramen and drunken frat guys in what history books would later deem "mercy killings for the betterment of society."
Luckily, the war ended as peacefully as any civil war can, and the country was finally in a state of normalcy. Crack whores could comfortably troll the streets of Daytona Beach with nothing more than the fear of being picked up by a serial killing John.
The state had established legitimacy (with the exception of certain side streets in Key West) and decided it was time to build a transportation system. The Internal Improvement Act of 1855 offered transportation investors cheap public land in order to build railroads. In 1882, businessmen H.M. Flagler and Henry Plant took advantage of the act as they began construction on the state’s first railroad. Due to geographic constraints, and the fact that neither one of them had any fucking clue what they were doing, the end of the line on every route led directly into the Gulf of Mexico. Millions of tons of cargo and bodies still lie in the Gulf to this day.
1883-2000: A Personal Story
In a nutshell, people bought land, people sold land, the Great Depression hit, World War I, World War II, Jewish retirees found a new place to die, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I don’t want to come off as lazy, but seriously, check out Wikipedia. There is nothing but shit in there for this time span, and all of the other sites that I looked at suck too, so I suppose nothing important happened. I will instead fill this space with a personal story:
A few friends and I were hanging out in Sarasota at around 10:00 one night. We hadn’t had dinner and were trying to find a place to grab a bite to eat. I defy anyone to find a restaurant open in this town after 7:30. "Somehow," we landed at a strip club. When we walked in, I immediately noticed how bright it was inside. The fluorescent lights were blinding and I thought that we had just entered an elementary school gym. The five of us sat down and ordered some drinks. The dancers made no effort to take their clothes off or approach us, which we found strange, as we have all been "forced" to go to strip clubs in the past due to friends who don’t respect women. We later found out that county law does not allow any nudity in an establishment that serves alcohol. Lucky us!!!
As we admired the extremely mediocre dance crew, my buddy Eddie and I cracked jokes. The (fully clothed) woman on the stage saw us laughing and gave me the "come over here" finger motion, so I obliged. When I got to the stage, thinking I was in for a treat, I noticed that up close she looked about 30 years older than from afar. She asked, "What are you guys laughing about?" I replied, "We’re telling jokes." She said, "Do you know how rude it is to laugh when a girl is dancing on stage?" I shook my head, laughing even harder, knowing that when I got back to the table I could tell everyone that I just got yelled at by a stripper. I felt it my duty to correct the misguided granny. I replied, "You are at least 58 years old, wearing entirely too much clothing, and you aren’t hiding the Caesarean scar very well, so I’m going to laugh as long and hard as I want to."
Long story short, the Sarasota strip club sucks ass.
2000: Hanging Chads
In January, 2001, a low-level pornography company out of Encino, CA thought that my pitch for a film called "Hung Chad" was in bad taste. I had the dude (me) all lined up and ready to roll, but they wrote back, saying that it was "too soon."
The 2000 presidential election hinged on a state that was once thought to be competent enough to follow simple instructions. Texas Governor George Bush and United States Vice President Al Gore were in the midst of the closest election in American history, and Florida voters became the deciding factor. Bush took Florida’s 25 electoral votes with a 0.0092% margin of victory, the smallest in United States history, but there was a problem with the count. Through the use of Votomatic punch table machines, it was apparent that poking a hole through a piece of paper was too much for the residents of Florida to handle, resulting in the media buzz word frenzy of "hanging chads."
You see, if you take an antiquated voting machine and attempt to stick your average 90-year-old in the booth with nothing more than a stick and a piece of card stock, you’re in for trouble. What you’ll find is that they forget what they’re doing and begin to tell stories of the good old days, when a teenage Harry Truman "sold me a newspaper for two half-pence and a licorice stick." Seriously, how the fuck do you expect these people to accurately punch a hole in a card?
For the record, only one of two things can happen if you give anyone a stylus and a perforated box: either the perforation breaks and a small piece of paper drops to the ground, creating what many would deem a success, OR a minuscule perforation line doesn’t quite separate from the page, causing 9/11, the decline of the housing industry, and FOX News.
The ballot count was contested, establishing the most controversial election in the country’s history. Gore was legally permitted to push for the recount, for no other reason than to give late night talk shows something topical to discuss in their monologues.
In December, 2000, following the loss, Gore conceded the election to Bush, who was a month away from being employed as the country’s 43rd president. After the long, grueling head-fuck to become the next commander-in-chief, it was time to address the nation. In his first press conference, a shirtless Bush, sitting poolside at the Tallahassee Marriott bar said, "When ya’ll gonna gimme the nuke codes?"
(Not to change the subject here, but if they didn’t care for my first offering, "Thrusting for the Truth," "Chad-er…I Hardly Know Her," and "Gore the Bush" would also have been fabulous names for politically-driven pornos. They totally missed the bus on my talent. "Hung Chad" was a cinematic masterpiece waiting to happen.)
The greatest tourism spot in the country is New Orleans, LA; the fourteenth greatest tourism spot is Disney World. Walt Disney unveiled the theme park on July 18th, 1955 in the city of Orlando, Florida. Years after bilking people out of farmland to build his wet dream, Walt Disney was able to create a wonderland for young and old alike. To this day, people from around the world visit to enjoy fantastic rides, bond with their kids, and spend twelve dollars on a beer. TRAVEL TIP: If the screaming throngs of children bother you, Expedia.com says that filling an empty water bottle with vodka will make your experience much more enjoyable. The bag checkers at the gate won’t notice, and your friends can enjoy watching you projectile vomit on the Tea Cup ride.
Many tourists also visit Florida for its miles and miles of beautiful beaches. A day doesn’t go by when a young, sexually active man turns flaccid for two or three months after accidentally looking at an 80-year old woman in a two-piece. Sure, the sand will scratch out your eyes, but your mind’s eye will remain.
The greatest sports hero in Florida history is Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino, who from 1983 to 1999 singlehandedly kept the Colombian cocaine trade in business. "El Danno" as he is called, is a legend in the Colombian countryside, and a statue of him in full Dolphins regalia still resides in a coca field outside of Medellín.
Speaking of coke heads, colleges like the University of Miami and Florida State have historically provided the country with the biggest dick-face football programs of all time. Year in and year out, the two schools have successfully pulled together teams of fast kids with no morals or intelligence. With graduation percentage rates in the low teens and arrest records topping 80%, the two schools epitomize why NCAA bylaws and the American legal system exist.
All in all, Florida has provided the country with a wealth of history and prominence. The citrus economy has aided in the progress of such wonderful drinks as The Screwdriver, Mimosa, and Alabama Slammer, as well as a plethora of unnecessary garnishes.
Considering that my sister’s dipshit boyfriend now resides there, the state of Florida can proudly hold the title of "America’s Dick."