Points in Case > Welcome to Florida—Shut Up

Welcome to Florida—Shut Up

Posted September 2nd, 2005 by Nathan DeGraaf

If you’ve decided to join the 329,000 people who move to Florida each year, I have some advice for you. Here are ten lines that no Floridians want to hear.

1. “People can’t drive down here.” Here’s the deal. Our roadways are clogged with senior citizens, immigrants, stoners, and northeasterners who move down here and are shocked to learn that everyone on planet Earth doesn’t drive like pushy assholes. There’s an eclectic mix everywhere down here, and that mix extends to the highways. It’s not that we can’t drive; it’s that everyone drives differently down here. Suck it up and deal.

2. “People here are so slow.” Yeah. And we like it, too. We walk slowly, we talk slowly and we enjoy ourselves. It’s called life. Learn to savor it, you uppity fucks.

3. “Well, the way we do it up north is…” We don’t care how you do it up north. Shut up.

4. “The pizza down here is horrible. I should open a pizza shop.” This one’s my favorite. This state is inhabited by literally millions of people from New York City (which has the best pizza in America, by the way) and every one of these northeastern morons think they’re the first one to come up with the idea of opening a great pizza shop in Florida. Just so you know: we can’t make good dough because the water down here is too salty. It’s not like everyone down here thinks pizza should suck. Just enjoy your fresh Mahi Mahi, drink your fresh orange juice and forget about your fucking pizza.

5. “I don’t get the way these people talk.” Yeah, we should all just do our best Joe Pesci imitations so we can sound like y’all. Idiots.

6. “No one down here is from Florida.” Yeah, neither are you. Grow some brains and learn to close your mouths. Jackasses.

7. “I can’t believe there are so many bugs down here.” I could see why you would think that a state that rarely gets below-freezing weather and is 3/4 swamp would be insect free. I would think that way too, if I was a total fuck stick.

8. “I can’t believe how expensive insurance is down here.” So let me get this straight: you moved to a state that is famous for illegal aliens, crime, sinkholes, mold and hurricanes and you expected a decrease in insurance costs? Not everything is more expensive in Boston, dickheads.

9. “Does it rain like this every summer?” No, just the summers that people from Rhode Island move down here. Oh yeah, and the summers that people from Long Island move down here. I mean really. It’s the fucking subtropics.

10. “I can’t believe how hot it is.” I can’t believe how dumb you are.

Please, if you move down here, do not use any of these ten lines. We hear them too much and we hate them.

Thanks for your understanding, and welcome to Florida.

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13 Comments

Ian H.'s picture
Ian H. (not verified) on September 3rd, 2005:

Too true. I love number four. And I never get tired of calling people fuck sticks. I think every year we should be able to use this list for justifiable homicide. We could update it from time to time to, y'know, stay fresh.

Jenn's picture
Jenn (not verified) on April 4th, 2006:

Oh man o man. I am so fuckin in for it. I am moving to Florida in August. When I mentioned this to some pals of mine in California, they were quick to add that I am a fuck stick for moving there in August. Um, hello? Yeah, I'm from Yuma, AZ, where in August the temps are normally around 120. The heat doesn't scare me, I own reptiles and bugs, so no biggy, but driving? I have impressive road road, which your entry leads me to believe will be a very bad thing.

Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified) on September 8th, 2006:

Florida is shithole full of assholes,let's put it this way you take the worst people from south america , the worst from the US, the worst from Europe, the worst greedy cubans and you got yourself a shithole state.the people in miami are mean and uneducated.
the driving is terrible,it's all flat besides the beach it is ugly and so populated.
i moved from Hawaii and iis a real shock, New yorkers are way nicer than people down in florida.
I am saving money and surely will go back to paradise where people are decent and cursing each othe rfor no reasons.Be carefull not to become like'em it is highly contagious!
Aloha!

Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified) on October 13th, 2006:

I'm from NY my self, and I can agree with ^^^ on this one.

Everyone down here, along with the locals , are inconsiderate idiots, who even with the slight mention of you not being from Florida, turn into an even bigger ass hole.

Come up north and say how much it snows, and we'll laugh, and tell you how much we love it. Not be a fucking prick about it, and tell me to stfu.

So do me a favor and STFU your self, and learn to live with people from other places of the world then just Florida.

Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified) on November 20th, 2006:

I feel sorry for your dog.

Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified) on November 28th, 2006:

I'm from CT and I've been in NY often. I have to agree that people in Orlando are the rudest fucking turds I never wanted to meet. When I was IT, I used to travel constantly from Maine on down and as far out as Oklahoma. Only Oklahomans (in the shittier part of OK City) barely come close to the rank stupidity and rudeness too common in Orlando. Maybe its because the average Joe / Jane has to work 3 Jobs at MickeyDs or Wendy's to get by. Or maybe its because they fuck each other in the ass legally here - I dunno...but Orlando is fake as fuck and not worth the swamp it floats on.

Have a nice day.

SteelRoots's picture
SteelRoots (not verified) on January 13th, 2007:

Please don't move here to Florida. New Yorkers have been the worst experience we've ever had. At first, it seemed great because of the monetary influx that occurred with y'all moving here. But then we started experiencing the side effects.

First of all, y'all are responsible for always building a new home, or worse-building a whole neighborhood. Y'all come down here and pass up fifteen PRE-EXISTING houses for sale and build a new one. Worse, y'all get greedy and then rape a giant piece of beautiful grazing land and build a cheap looking neighborhood.

Secondly, you bring your bratty children who all want to be gangsters (with their stupid NY Yankee hats turned sideways) and you ruin our schools. I know plenty of teachers who unanimously state that not all New Yorkers/New Englanders are bad, but almost all of the bad children are from New York/New England.

Also, you have driven the cost of living up so far that any economical gains made by your transplantation are negated.

On top of that, people from your part of the country are the most rude, loud, boisterous, and complaining people I have ever met. I always that the "classic New Yorker" was a stereotype on TV, but sadly it isn't. If I hear the phrase, "up north, we......" again, I will puke!

New Yorkers/New Englanders are quite possibly the worst drivers on earth.

New Yorkers/New Englanders voted in a bunch of overtaxing, feel-goodin', bleeding-heart liberals that taxed y'all out of house and home; now it seems that y'all didn't learn your lesson up there, now y'all vote fellow New Yorkers of the same ilk here, thus ruining our government here too.

I can say that I now know how the American Indians felt when we settled the land. Please, I beg you, please stay there. You're welcome to visit, but please go back home. I hope that my fellow southerners start making y'all feel very, very unwelcomed here. The sentiment is already here, it's time for action on the part of that conviction.

Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified) on January 15th, 2007:

i love the-- "its the fucking subtropics"

---hates out-of-staters damn yankee carpetbaggers!

Jesse's picture
Jesse (not verified) on February 9th, 2007:

You may think Northerners are stupid but who has the worst schooling systems in America Floriduuuhhh does and get out of all of your civil war attitudes we did kick you asses get over it lol!!

Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified) on February 14th, 2007:

I was just listening the 911 tape relaesed today for Anna N. Smith ... and it got me thinking... Are all people from Florida complete ass holes? I mean I can hardly believe the tone nor the stupid ask and repeat jive on such an important life and death phone call. Man, that is scary if that is the norm down there. What an idoit that woman sounds like, incredible. It seems like evey time I hear anything about Florida people it just confirms that there must be a whole lot of suck ass people down there .. making it one place I never want to visit! I live in California so I understand the 'kick back' attitude but honestly.. you Florida folks seem more like 'dick wacks' to me.

kc's picture
kc (not verified) on April 2nd, 2007:

I am originally from SoCal,but was forced to live in FL for 14 years(my dad played pro-ball down there...long story) and i hated almost every bit of it,the people are all out trying to be something their not and they are so stuck-up and arrogant i swear to God that FL should be cut off from the US and all of its inhabitants slaughtered mercilessly fuck them sons of bitches yall can burn in hell for all i care,im back in SoCal now and im not the only person who hates FL so any1 willing to argue with me ive met more people that hate FL than like it.beaches are EXTREMELY overrated and as for the weather?Bullshit!If it isnt humid as hell its raining every other day,the only thing good about FL is the theme parks and even those arent worth a vacation.If you want a real vacation,go to NY,GA,or CA.West Coast is the Best Coast(but i have no problem with ATL or NYC).

Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified) on April 18th, 2007:

Anyone who loves Orlando is sick in the head..

www.orlandofloridasucks.com
Orlando Florida

Anonymous's picture
Anonymous (not verified) on March 26th, 2008:

Florida is a flat, featureless appendage that should have been circumcised rather than inhabited.
There is a high tattoo-to-tooth ratio, and more mullets per square mile than in any other swamp.
Let's be real here...the only reason anybody moves there is because it's cheap. Well folks, you get what you pay for, so welcome to Florida...hope you like bugs, rednecks, tourists, refugees, retirees, shitty food, and oh yeah...hurricanes.

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