It’s 2:25pm, do you know where you right hand is? Hopefully it’s down your pants and not stroking someone’s ego, but if you’re in the exclusive club of "college students for monogamous sex" and tied down, chances are your hand is glommed onto your babe.

There’s an exception to every rule, and I’m that exception. I’m all for promiscuous sex, but with one person. Still, whoring it out monogamously hasn’t ever made me a handholder. I equate this to the blatant fact that no man (or boy in a man’s body) has ever hit my hand G-spot. Seeing how most of my motivators are selfish ones, it wouldn’t surprise me that I vote nay on sweaty palms and hand commitment, but maybe when I find the "right person," I too will fall victim to the showy, slightly cliché form of expressing possession.

But for now, this is how I see it.

Time vs. Distance

Women also like handholding because it’s convenient. Technically, there is nothing in it for men besides sweaty palms and hot-girl association.What’s worse? Handholding (HH) that takes up time or that goes the distance? Movie hands are much more latent than jet-setting hands. They keep a steady balminess and build slight uneasiness in attempt to avoid "dead hand" or overactive finger movement. In my opinion, this form of HH is not that bad. It’s low-key HH.

In relation to time, distance is ^3 the awkward. I will hold your hand. I will not hold your hand from the College Square Starbucks to Arts and Letters. It’s a late summer, Gropey, and palm sweat dehydrates me. Holding hands is nature’s foremost diuretic, cleansing the body of impurities and water supply. Next thing I know, I’m filling up my camel pack for class because I have one hand and an insatiable thirst.

Why Girls Like Amputees

Robots holding handsMy theory is that women like holding hands because it means that their man has one less hand to touch other girls with. Point blank. Women crave security. Personally, I would prefer an ass grab. Caveman sexual aggression has always gotten me. If they fear wandering hands, they are ruling out other more serious forms of wandering. My proposed alternative method pervades all issues, creating a shared win for both parties involved. If you fungshei your grip south, your man will be both sexually satisfied and well-liked by his peers. ("Dude, your chick is bad!") This also frees up his hands for other more looming tasks, such as book holding, Starbucks sipping, or the aforementioned ass grabbing.

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Whipped Men

To find out why men hold hands, I interviewed a serial handholder. Let’s call him "Whipped." Whipped admits that he doesn’t hold hands unless he "considers [the girl] a prize," but regardless, he never initiates contact. He has employed hand-holding as a tool to make him appear unattainable to passing hot girls and to piss off ex-girlfriends. When presented with an opportunity to flee and abandon her grip, he pulls away, blaming the school supplies burning his pocket. Why are chicks so clingy? One dictionary definition of handholding is "the providing of attentive support or instruction, as to calm or lessen anxiety or fear" (YourDictionary.com). Are we walking around in constant fear?!

Past Experience Gone Awry

Maybe it’s because I heard that last weekend my roommate and my best guy friend skipped along the Vegas strip while holding hands and screaming, "Carolina would be so jealous right now!" Yeah, way jealous, but I would have no time for HH as those two gallon chugs of neon fruity drank would have been posted in both hands. Maybe it’s because I held hands with Kyle T. during Passion of the Christ in seventh grade. I don’t think I got past "passion" when buying my ticket. So romantic, especially for a two middle-schoolers with no religious background.

Convenience

Women also like handholding because it’s convenient. They get to be the "under" position while men are forced to be the "over." Men have always filled this role in handholding, so they do not understand how uncomfortable it is. Technically, there is nothing in handholding for men besides sweaty palms and hot-girl association (but hot-girl will become infinitely less hot when she begins expecting handholding, thus fading hot-girl factor and making the only benefit a happy clingy girl, which means you’re happy… or at least getting laid).

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Guy and girl holding hands - photo from below
The over-under on the hand-to-hand breakup has been set at 6 minutes.

Choreography

There are people who simply don’t know what to do with their gangly arms. They cling to the notion of handholding because it means they have one less gangly arm to choreograph.

It all boils down to the issue of immaturity. Middle school kids are infamous for locking phalanges, and their love of handholding usually bleeds into high school relationships. I spoke with a 20-something male with a bachelor’s in economics from San Diego State who enjoys handholding but scoffs at those holding hands for sport, admitting its immature nature: "I mean, when people grow up and get jobs and stay busy there is simply no time to worry about clinginess." Granted, there are still those old couples who are in Titanic-love. I validate their feelings, but refuse to believe they aren’t using their significant other as a banister with which to maintain balance. (Maybe Medicare does not cover their scooters.)

Some people would rather have STDs than show PDAs. That person isn’t me, but it almost sounds like it, huh? Unfortunately, I believe Samantha from Sex and the City might have chosen the former and this is how she fared. If you hold hands because you’re in college-love and the weather doesn’t get to you: more power to you. Maybe you know something I don’t and for that, I commend you. I could be you in about never days. Presently, The Beatles really want to hold my hand and I’m really turned off by their persistence.

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