Handholder's Anonymous

Guy and girl's hand interlocked with a heart drawn on

It's 2:25pm, do you know where you right hand is? Hopefully it's down your pants and not stroking someone's ego, but if you're in the exclusive club of "college students for monogamous sex" and tied down, chances are your hand is glommed onto your babe.

There's an exception to every rule, and I'm that exception. I'm all for promiscuous sex, but with one person. Still, whoring it out monogamously hasn't ever made me a handholder. I equate this to the blatant fact that no man (or boy in a man's body) has ever hit my hand G-spot. Seeing how most of my motivators are selfish ones, it wouldn't surprise me that I vote nay on sweaty palms and hand commitment, but maybe when I find the "right person," I too will fall victim to the showy, slightly cliché form of expressing possession.

But for now, this is how I see it.

Time vs. Distance

Women also like handholding because it's convenient. Technically, there is nothing in it for men besides sweaty palms and hot-girl association.What's worse? Handholding (HH) that takes up time or that goes the distance? Movie hands are much more latent than jet-setting hands. They keep a steady balminess and build slight uneasiness in attempt to avoid "dead hand" or overactive finger movement. In my opinion, this form of HH is not that bad. It's low-key HH.

In relation to time, distance is ^3 the awkward. I will hold your hand. I will not hold your hand from the College Square Starbucks to Arts and Letters. It's a late summer, Gropey, and palm sweat dehydrates me. Holding hands is nature's foremost diuretic, cleansing the body of impurities and water supply. Next thing I know, I'm filling up my camel pack for class because I have one hand and an insatiable thirst.

Why Girls Like Amputees

Robots holding handsMy theory is that women like holding hands because it means that their man has one less hand to touch other girls with. Point blank. Women crave security. Personally, I would prefer an ass grab. Caveman sexual aggression has always gotten me. If they fear wandering hands, they are ruling out other more serious forms of wandering. My proposed alternative method pervades all issues, creating a shared win for both parties involved. If you fungshei your grip south, your man will be both sexually satisfied and well-liked by his peers. ("Dude, your chick is bad!") This also frees up his hands for other more looming tasks, such as book holding, Starbucks sipping, or the aforementioned ass grabbing.

Whipped Men

To find out why men hold hands, I interviewed a serial handholder. Let's call him "Whipped." Whipped admits that he doesn't hold hands unless he "considers [the girl] a prize," but regardless, he never initiates contact. He has employed hand-holding as a tool to make him appear unattainable to passing hot girls and to piss off ex-girlfriends. When presented with an opportunity to flee and abandon her grip, he pulls away, blaming the school supplies burning his pocket. Why are chicks so clingy? One dictionary definition of handholding is "the providing of attentive support or instruction, as to calm or lessen anxiety or fear" (YourDictionary.com). Are we walking around in constant fear?!

Past Experience Gone Awry

Maybe it's because I heard that last weekend my roommate and my best guy friend skipped along the Vegas strip while holding hands and screaming, "Carolina would be so jealous right now!" Yeah, way jealous, but I would have no time for HH as those two gallon chugs of neon fruity drank would have been posted in both hands. Maybe it's because I held hands with Kyle T. during Passion of the Christ in seventh grade. I don't think I got past "passion" when buying my ticket. So romantic, especially for a two middle-schoolers with no religious background.

Convenience

Women also like handholding because it's convenient. They get to be the "under" position while men are forced to be the "over." Men have always filled this role in handholding, so they do not understand how uncomfortable it is. Technically, there is nothing in handholding for men besides sweaty palms and hot-girl association (but hot-girl will become infinitely less hot when she begins expecting handholding, thus fading hot-girl factor and making the only benefit a happy clingy girl, which means you're happy... or at least getting laid).

Guy and girl holding hands - photo from below
The over-under on the hand-to-hand breakup has been set at 6 minutes.

Choreography

There are people who simply don't know what to do with their gangly arms. They cling to the notion of handholding because it means they have one less gangly arm to choreograph.

It all boils down to the issue of immaturity. Middle school kids are infamous for locking phalanges, and their love of handholding usually bleeds into high school relationships. I spoke with a 20-something male with a bachelor's in economics from San Diego State who enjoys handholding but scoffs at those holding hands for sport, admitting its immature nature: "I mean, when people grow up and get jobs and stay busy there is simply no time to worry about clinginess." Granted, there are still those old couples who are in Titanic-love. I validate their feelings, but refuse to believe they aren't using their significant other as a banister with which to maintain balance. (Maybe Medicare does not cover their scooters.)

Some people would rather have STDs than show PDAs. That person isn't me, but it almost sounds like it, huh? Unfortunately, I believe Samantha from Sex and the City might have chosen the former and this is how she fared. If you hold hands because you're in college-love and the weather doesn't get to you: more power to you. Maybe you know something I don't and for that, I commend you. I could be you in about never days. Presently, The Beatles really want to hold my hand and I'm really turned off by their persistence.




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Keke DeVille's picture

Being a semi germ-a-phobe myself I think hand holding is like one of the inner rings of Jersey. Up unti the ripe old age of 12 I considered the clap another name for Cooties....True story?....I'll never tell.....

Yaro Shepherd's picture

I didn't read this, I just looked at your picture and rated it 5 stars.

GE's picture

Shameless. I like it.

Carolina Kyzer's picture

Shit. I always confuse PIC for Fuckbook, too.

Bill Dixon's picture

This is old school Kyzer, I read this shit way back in the day. I rated it a 1because I have seen waaaay better pictures of you. boom.

Carolina Kyzer's picture

Sorry, bb. My ass didn't fit in the thumbnail.

AroundThePony's picture

we only hold hands when we`re drunk.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Hand holding is like sex. If you don't know how to do it then of course it is uncomfortable, awkward, sweaty and you start having all these negative associations with it. However, when it is done right, it is electric, sensual, satisfying, and even fucking magical at times. That's right, I said fucking magical. It can also be a conduit for flirtatious foreplay, touch communication, and the simple transfer of sexual energy between a man and a woman. If no man (or boy in a man's body) has ever hit your "actual" G-spot you wouldn't advocate giving up on sex all together would you? Same goes for your hand G-spot. Just beware of the clap Carolina.

Carolina Kyzer's picture

Now this whole 'penetration' thing sounds so overrated!

Mike Lamb's picture

Hand G-spot? You know, I used to eat a lot of ecstasy back in college too, but if you're trying to sensually finger-fuck some girl's sweaty palm on the walk to class, maybe you should just save some of that touchy feely Tantric weirdness for a more appropriate moment. At some point it just becomes the romantic equivelant of dry humping her leg.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Mike,

I find it both ironic and telling that in your interpretation of the simile the woman is "some girl" who sounds like a total stranger you've only just met and this is all something you are inappropriately doing to her that she isn't into, or reciprocating in the least. That wasn't the scenario I described at all, but I can totally see why you got confused.

Mike Lamb's picture

I'm gonna start charging you a nickel every time you use the word ironic.

wattt's picture

It boils down to a G-spot not being the sole area of a vagina with, you know, high fucking concentrations of nerve endings that induce pleasure when stimulated. That's why women who haven't had their g-spot hit, a fairly large percentage since no one gave a fuck nor knew what that was until the 20th century, still actively enjoy fucking. As opposed to your hand, which should be insensitive and not feel like anything when touched... unless you're an isolated virgin who has spent decades devoid of any form female touch. God knows you're going to ejaculate premature if "HH" is giving you any sort of sensual satisfaction.

GE's picture

You're the type of intelligence that inspired eugenics.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Khalil,

It's really difficult to take your comment on premature ejaculation seriously when you've already edited your comment three times due to premature posting and STILL ended up being three edits away from completion. Here, let me save you some further embarrassment, big guy:

"g-spot" needs capitalizing.

"any form female touch." should read "any form of female touch."

"premature" should read "prematurely"

Don't worry about it though, Khalil, I'm sure it probably happens to everybody.

;)

wattt's picture

Editing is such a drag! I try to proof read my posts carefully on my own, but I just can't be arsed. It's that writer and editor dynamic, you know? One is a genius able to write mind blowing genius shit, the other is, well, someone with nothing to say whose only ability is re-reading whatever the author wrote looking for minor mistakes to latch on and correct. I'll send you the seven dollars you're entitled to in the mail, Andrei.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Don't bother Khalil, from what I've seen your two cents isn't worth a damn, let alone your seven dollars. Thanks anyway though.

;)

wattt's picture

I'm glad you don't find value in money because from what I've seen you won't be making too much of it with your writing

;)

Andrei Trostel's picture

Wow, more of your two cents? This is getting awkward. Look Khalil, it's really sweet that you keep trying so hard (and that you continuously edit your comments, showing how much you really care) but honestly after you blew your wad in the first comment, I kind of lost interest. It's o.k. I'm sure you'll find a comment thread in the future where you'll be really happy.

;)

Mike Lamb's picture

I don't Andrei, I'm actually curious to see what this guy could do with an article of his own. He's obviously got a knack for getting under people's skin, but this whole nickel and dime personal attack shit is just a waste of talent. I wanted to hate him at first, but that's become so fashionable lately that I'm actually starting to like him in douchey sort of way. Plus I'm way too much of an asshole to care one way or the other. What do you say Khalil? Make a contribution to the site and submit something. I'll read it. I might even like it.

Andrei Trostel's picture

You don't what Mike? I even got out my ruler and lined up the reply indents and everything...and I still have no idea what you are saying you don't to.

I agree with you however that it would certainly be nice to see something of merit from him instead of him just standing in a rain storm continually shouting about how dry he is.

Mike Lamb's picture

Know. The missing word was know. Followed by a missing comma. I typed it with invisible ink. My bad.

Mike Lamb's picture

I'll admit, that's a good point. But the writer and critic dynamic is the exact same issue. I get the feeling you could probably come up with a decent article of your own if you spent less time trying to be everyone's professor. I'm not saying that every article on here is great, and to be honest some of it sucks. That doesn't mean breaking out a five paragraph critique of every cheap dick and fart joke is in order. You show me some mind-blowing genius shit of your own and you've got my respect. Or, you could just follow this up with a dickish comment like, "oh, that's cute that you would think for even one moment that I would take even the slightest interest in your respect, as though you were the queen of England and I should feel honored by such a noble gesture of acknowledgement from someone as important as you, O Great One." Or something to that effect. I mean, you've heard yourself talk, you get the idea.

GE's picture

For chronic hand holders beware of the Applause.

I like holding hands

Carolina Kyzer's picture

I'd rather hold your hand than read the 16 new comments. Hand that shit over. I want it. If you're a chick we can get all Mila Kunis on it.

GE's picture

Like