I Supermanned with Nuts in My Mouth

Superman Nutcracker

Dear Diary,

I supermanned with salty nuts in my mouth.

Some textual vomit cannot be foreseen.

I tripped over a curb at State and flew triumphantly while chewing the remnants of some prematurely dis-enjoyed macadamia nuts. Both hands stretched towards the unforgiving heavens, the gods laughed as I pierced the air with my tense talons. While in the air, the words "I look like Superman" actually scrolled through my brain. I think on my feet...er...whatever.

Needless to say, the nuts really complicated things. The falsely sympathetic eyes of onlookers were begging for answers that I couldn't dole out. I failed them as a communicator who communicates too much. I wanted to explain, "Wow, there was a curb there and I tripped!" or something clever to redeem myself like, "I should never have invented raised concrete slabs in the first place. Bring me my CHOPPA!" But no, fucking nuts. I couldn't open my mouth because then in addition to parasailing I would be evenly distributing nuts throughout the crowd, even to those who had requested crackerjacks or cotton candy instead. If nuts could talk.

My brother and I sing "My Chocolate Salty Balls" a la Chef from South Park regularly, so I like to think that I'm well-versed in the many facets of nuts. In turn, I never thought nuts would betray me like that. So I ask...what went wrong?  Did you think there were other nuts? There weren't. Was I going too fast? I could have slowed down but it wouldn't have been beneficial for me. It's not my fault you prematurely ejacu- evacuated...blame the curb. Take solace in knowing that you're not alone, surely there are plenty of nuts that can sympathize.

So I recovered (mildly), yet filed this experience away under "suppressed childhood/young adult traumas." It was the later confession of my "supermanning with nuts in my mouth" to my family that did it for me. My mom's probably been on Urbandict 6 times this week. . .and I bet she has learned nothing. That hoe.

Lovingly,

Carolina

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tdhurst's picture

Wow. Riotous. That's just fucking funny.

amy's picture

omg...this is the funniest article I've ever read on this site! props to the budding young artist.

Lolzzz I Superman with Nuts in My Mouth all day, everyday. Of course, they aren't the kind you buy at the store. Unless, of course, you're talking about a Male Prostitute Ring, if that's even considered a store.

Nick Moose's picture

Soooo, by supermanning you mean you shot him with eye lasers?punched a whole in his face?
I've read many a comic book in my day Young lady,and I know this is a Spiderman reference but "with great power comes great responsibility!"
Do not use your super powers with other peoples sex organs in your mouth!
You're very pretty but if you don't learn to harness these abilities soon you'll be hanging out with Darkseid and Brainiac plotting against the Justice League.
I'll let it slide this time, but I have my eye on you!

tdhurst's picture

Nick Moose-

I nominate your post for most idiotic of the day. Congratulations. Maybe you should take some advice from Nate and take a break for a while.

Nick Moose's picture

good sir, I'm just getting started.
And always remember,hot super powered girls with testicles in their mouths are not to be taken lightly.

you are sick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

FAIL

Carolina, you're kinda my hero right now.

(I guess women CAN be funny.)

tdhurst's picture

Nick Moose-

You realize the funny part was her play on "nuts in my mouth", right? By saying testicles you completely ruin the joke.

Subtle man, subtle.

Nick Moose's picture

but you just said testicles again! Now the joke is doubly ruined!

We better squash this debate before any more damage is done.

John Gillespie's picture

This made me giggle, followed directly by my brain reminding me I am hung over.

Way too funny, keep it up

Casey Freeman's picture

Nicely done. How can you not click on something with a title like that. Keep it up. We're expecting big things from you, as long as you keep producing high-quality funny work every week. No pressure. Not really pressure at all.

Carolina Kyzer's picture

Frank: I'm actually a man. The kind with a penis. Aren't all women illiterate or something?
Hurst-Moose: "FIIIIIIGGHTTT!!!" -the frazzled fat kid from all movies.
Anony1: I heard that Wal-mart is buying out all our Male Prostitute Rings. There goes the Mom and Pops.

GE's picture

Now I really want to know what it said before.

Carolina Kyzer's picture

Shit. This.. is embarassing. Maybe I should have left the emoticon. It was high school. I was excitable.

GE's picture

Haha. Sorry. I totally understand. I would have liked to edit most of what I said in high school.

Thanks for clearing that up, Carolina. Hopefully our country's Male Prostitute Rings will retain their vitality in a foreign country, preferably China. All our shit's made there. Or Taiwan. I've seen Asian movies too many times & I know the truth. Frankly I'm surprised such unsurpassed beauty even registers on film. It's like trying to lasso a rainbow. Who even knows what the fuck I'm trying to say, but I like it.

K Si's picture

............I would be evenly distributing nuts throughout the crowd, even to those who had requested crackerjacks or cotton candy instead.......
Pure-unadulterated genius, groin-grabbingly funny...
Good on ya, lass!!

Not bad, not bad at all.