The Automotive Woman Theory

Nothing wrong with dating a Honda Civic, but you're gonna get bored eventually.

Hot girl sitting on a Porsche

I had an intriguing conversation with a friend of mine the other night. We were just going back and forth quoting Sports Night and I made the comment that Jeremy (played by Joshua Malina) was way out of his league dating Natalie. Not only that, but when he and Natalie break up he dates a freaking porn star who....wait for it.....LIKES SPORTS. Jeremy is a computer, math guy who also has a love for sports. He's not a terribly good-looking guy and tends to be a little spazzy. So, I feel vindicated when I say that he was out of his league.

I also happened to make mention of the fact that a porn star who loves sports would be a pretty sought after commodity. (Not necessarily a porn star, but someone who obviously enjoys sex. The combination of a woman who loves sports and sex is...really what every guy looks for.) My friend, Kristin, then made the comment that I was wrong. "Girls who like sports aren't appreciated at all!" (She's a girl who likes sports.) That got me to thinking....

What could that be compared to? How can you accurately describe what kind of boost a girl gets for liking sports?

I came back with, "A girl who likes sports is really just like a nice accessory to a car. Say you buy a car and they throw in some really awesome bonus for nothing. The car is still the same, but you've got some rims now for free." My buddy Colin and I then polished up the theory to state the following:

"A girl who likes sports is like buying a car with 18" alloy wheels, sunroof, spoiler, heated leather seats, EVERYTHING. However, if the car you're buying is a Geo Metro, it's still a Geo Metro and you're still pretty freakin' lame."

Listen, one quality doesn't make or break a woman. Looks aren't everything, if only because no one thing is everything. A lot goes into making a woman desirable. She could have the rare ability to talk shit with the guys and not miss a beat (always a fan favorite). She could have an unbelievable smile. She could be the funniest person you've ever met in your life. However, none of these things on their own are enough to transform a Geo Metro into a Mercedes SLK 500.

The bottom line is, liking sports is a great thing, but it's not a deal breaker. A woman loving baseball is like getting a top of the line model. It's the E-series with all the fancy stuff that makes a 40 thousand dollar car a 60 thousand dollar car. However, the car is still the same. Little has changed other than a few fancy things that are awesome to play around with, but at the end of the day there isn't a whole lot about them that really makes the car that much better. Remember the Ecto-1? That thing was a piece of garbage. Even when the Ghostbusters put all that Egon technology on it, it still was what it was: a piece of crap.

This theory has specific categories for a different sort of girl and compares them to a specific car. Obviously, the system is not without its flaws. There are plenty of women who break the mold. They simply cannot be categorized. However, since cars are so customizable these days, it takes a lot of that problem out of the equation. First we have to begin with the type of car. We'll go from bottom to top.

STANDARD MODELS

Geo Metro

Geo MetroThese are the girls you want to stay away from. You know they're bad by reputation, however, you really have to drive one just to fully experience the awful nature of this one. It's almost to the point where this one is so bad you have to tell people about it, just so they realize how absurd of a situation you're in. But, you definitely don't want your buddies knowing you date a Geo Metro.

Kia Spectra

She's a nice girl. She really is. She's reliable; she'll probably never cheat on you. The problem is you can't exactly justify why you started dating her in the first place. She was like your 3rd option, and options 1 and 2 fell through. However, when you tell someone you drive a Kia there's always part of you that feels a twinge of shame. And everyone seems to whisper when they see it: "Hey, look...he drives a Kia." There's just a stigma attached to a Kia. It's cheap and it's foreign which, sadly, does nothing to make it seem exotic. Really a sad story, the Kia.

Honda Civic

Once again, reliable. Nothing really wrong with this one. However, there's nothing to write home to the folks about. This is one of those "blah" women who really doesn't give you a reason to go one way or another on her. Sure, you'd miss having someone there but you wouldn't really miss anything about this girl in particular. This also applies to the girl who's too afraid to argue or disagree with you. She seems to have no discernable personality of her own; that's not too bad at first, but good LORD does it get old quickly. Nothing really wrong with dating a Civic, but there's no real reason to make you keep on dating a Civic either.

Toyota Camry

Starting to get up there. She's probably got one physical feature that you really like (no this is not limited to the obvious two). She may be a girl that can somewhat keep up with the guys if you're forced to bring her along. This can be incredibly useful. A Camry is inexpensive, yet has a touch of luxury to it, and there's something to be said for a girl with some class. This girl isn't going to set the world on fire, but she'll make you happy and keep the curtain up. No shame at all in dating a Camry.

At this point, before the luxury vehicles, it's time we threw in the two wild cards. These are two kinds of girls who some guys love and other guys avoid like the plague. And, since I don't discriminate, I will put these two in the wild card category.

Wilds Cards

Pick a Car from The Fast and the Furious

Fast and the Furious carsThis girl has been around more than a few times. Take away all the work she's had done and she's barely a step above a Metro. Don't tangle and twist it: she's smoking hot. But, she's hooked up with about 300 other guys. Sure, you're attracted to her but, do you really want any part of that? She's hooked up with all of your roommates and you've heard this weekend is your turn. Are you gonna make the right decision? This, once again, is nothing to brag to your friends about. All the other factors overshadow the fact that she's easy on the eyes.

Toyota Supra

They stopped making this car for a reason: it was too freaking crazy. They should stop making this kind of woman, in my opinion. This girl is completely NUTS. She calls whenever you're out and asks if there are girls wherever you are. She randomly shows up under the cover of "I just wanted to see you," when in reality, she's hoping to catch you cheating on her. She alienates all of your friends and doesn't like any of them. Think Amanda Peet's character in Saving Silverman—this is her. Sure, looks-wise she's way above you, but the reason she's with you is due to some bizarre behavior. And of course, she's wild in the bedroom, but that's because she's a deeply disturbed individual. Is it worth the risk? Ah, the problems men face.

Okay, those are the two wild cards you're likely to face. Now, on to the more upper-class females...I mean...cars.

Luxury Rides

Lexus

Lexus sports carThese are damn fine automobiles. Sure, physically they look a lot like Toyotas, but there's more under the hood with them. These are the girls who can talk a little shit and toss back a few beers. She does a lot of the little things right. She knows when it's guy's night. She knows when she's going to be DD by default. She's a solid innings eater. Throws strikes, works ahead in the count, and can be counted on to keep you in the game into the 6th or 7th inning. A man can do a lot worse than driving a Lexus.

BMW

These are the girls who you see once and instantly want to investigate further. They're good looking, friendly, and know how to do just enough to keep a guy happy. However, physically we start to get into the girls who know they're hot and understand they get a little more slack because of their looks. This has its drawbacks; however, the BMW understands there are limits. The Beamer, unlike the Mercedes, won't cheat on you. The Beamer's a gas guzzler. You'd better be prepared to dish out the greenbacks when you're dating a BMW. But, it's all worth it when you walk anywhere with a girl like that on your arm.

Mercedes

This girl makes you stop in your tracks. She's a head turner. She comes with a bit of an attitude, but you don't care. She may be a little needy, but you don't care. You may always wonder why she's with a guy like you, but you don't care. Starting to see a pattern? The Mercedes has drawbacks: cops want to pull over any young guy driving this car (jealousy), people will want to steal it (cheating), and you run plenty of risks. However, a Mercedes has the class few other cars do. This girl knows how to take care of a man. She doesn't dress scandalously unless you ask her to. She looks amazing in sweats, or when she just wakes up. She's a lady and you can't wait for your ex to see her with you.

Now, clearly, there are many sub-categories. Just how nice of a Toyota are you currently dating? Well, there are ways to find out.

  • She likes sports = Rims
  • She watches the game with you and doesn't make stupid comments = Sunroof
  • She makes good cookies and/or Rice Krispie Treats = Free Sirius Satellite Radio for a year
  • She doesn't hate that you gamble on sports (or at least she keeps it to herself) = Leather interior
  • She's able to talk a little shit and keep you on your toes = Nice sound system (seems standard, but without it, you know there's something wrong)

Now, all of this may help translate the phrase "She's not ‘cute cute,' but she's soo funny" into real English. However, the truth of the matter is sometimes none of this matters. At the end of the day, all you need a car to do is get you from point A to point B. And many of the things men look for in women are luxuries we know we either can't afford or really do not need. Some people actually buy magazines just to look at the cars in them; not to drive them, just to look at them. They know they'll never ever drive these cars, but it's kinda cool to see what they look like. Look at any men's magazine on a newsstand... who's on the cover? Is it a guy? Nope. It's a beautiful woman. We know we'll never ever date a woman like this, but it's kinda nice just to see what she looks like.



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Xavier Holland's picture

"She's a solid innings eater. Throws strikes, works ahead in the count, and can be counted on to keep you in the game into the 6th or 7th inning. A man can do a lot worse than driving a Lexus."

Holy mixed metaphor dude. You compared a woman to a car to, basically, like Joel Piniero.

I can only imagine the romantic conversations:

"Baby, you're my John Garland."
"Excuse me?"
"No, I don't mean that in a bad way sweetcheeks. He throws a lot of innings and doesn't strike or walk too many people. Decent groundball rate, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN."
"..."
"You're a car."

Cheeto Steve's picture

Comment > article

meh

tonya's picture

Someone tell me what it is when a chic drives a pick up truck?

Wow, thanks for some insight on how men's brains work!

what a complete waste of your time and mine.

So what kind of car do you ACTUALLY drive? After reading this, I'm doubting you'd be lucky enough to get a Geo Metro.
You must be really young, since the only cars you relate to are typical teenager cars and cars teenagers WISH they could have.
When you come up with some analogies that make sense, let us know.

Ahem, Bimmer * NOT Beamer.

(It's no wonder there are many days when I would pick my 3 series over men. Meh indeed).