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“Well it is much easier for you to only have that many shoes. Since
I have the option of wearing a skirt, pants, or three-quarter length
pants to work, it
opens the shoes possibility. Also, in the summer, I can wear
open-toed shoes, in the fall I can wear pumps, and in the winter I
can wear boots. So with that alone, I have to have a black, brown,
and a neutral pair of each type. That is nine pairs right there.
Those shoes also double as my going out shoes. Then I must have nice
shoes in the event I have to wear an evening dress somewhere. I have
a pair for the winter and the summer. Then, I have my sneakers. I
have my working out sneakers, my stylish sneakers, and my pair that
can get dirty. Then I have an array of flip flops and sandals. So
you see how I could easily rack up that many shoes. ...It’s all
about options.”
Indeed, it IS all about options. That is actually an exact quote from my
ex-girlfriend. And no, she’s not my ex-girlfriend because she’s obsessed with
shoes. All girls are obsessed with shoes. She’s my ex-girlfriend because
I’m not a nice person. Since I’m really into metaphors I’m going to take the
time to shoe you (pun intended) how to apply this philosophy about shoes to your
options with women. Women are obsessed with footwear and clothes, and men are
obsessed with women. If she can have fifty pairs of shoes or pants, then I can
have fifty women. We’ll start at the top.
The Skirt
The woman who wears a skirt is a very obvious type of woman. Clearly she
isn’t afraid to show some skin, which is good, because the less I have to work
to see some skin, the less likely I am to be considered a peeping tom. To the
girl in 6B, I wasn’t “staring” in your window. And no, I don’t even own a
telescope.
The Pants
Women who always wear pants never put out. I can say this with absolute
certainty because I’ve never hooked up with a girl wearing pants. I make them
take them off first. Write that one down. Seriously, loosen up. Wear a
mini-skirt, or a bikini bottom. Hell, wear nothing at all. It’s not that these
girls don’t WANT to put out, it’s that they don’t want you to think they’re
whores. (That one is for the girl who left me a
nasty comment regarding
my last article. You’re on notice.)
The Three-Quarter Length Pants
This one is probably my least favorite article of clothing worn by women. The
bottom line is, these women are just plain indecisive. They can’t decide whether
they want you to look at their legs or not. They REALLY want you to, but they
don’t want to be too obvious. There is nothing attractive about this. Seeing
nothing but a girl’s shin is ugly. Of course, this is nothing a pair of scissors
won’t fix, though.
Open-Toed Shoes
I’m really trying to tie this one in to a type of woman, but it’s really
fucking hard. I guess they like you to see parts of their body that you normally
wouldn’t see. So, in actuality, these women are exhibitionists. That’s
“flashers” for those of you who don’t know the term. It’s not out of the realm
of possibility that they would flash you if you asked. These are the kinds of
girls you’ll see dancing on the top of tables after a few too many shots of
whatever lame chick shot they’ve been doing for the past hour. The next time you
see a girl wearing open-toed shoes, ask her for a peep shoe. (It never gets
old.) Don’t forget to wear your sneakers though; you may have to bolt
afterwards.
Pumps
If you’re hooking up with a girl wearing pumps, do not, under any
circumstance, let her take them off during the act. I repeat, DO NOT UNDER ANY
CIRCUMSTANCE LET HER TAKE THEM OFF DURING SEX. NO BAJO NINGUNA CIRCUNSTANCIA
DEJARON SU TOMA APAGADO DURANTE SEXO. Got it? Good. There’s just something about
this that you, as a guy, are going to love. Who knows, maybe it goes back to all
the White Snake videos in the 80’s with the chick with huge hair, red lipstick,
and torn blue jeans wearing pumps.
Boots
BORING! To all the girls who wear the boots with the jeans tucked in to them,
STOP IT. PÁRELO. ARRÊTEZ-LE. STOPPEN SIE ES. ARRESTILO. PARE-O. О С Т А Н О В И
Т Е Е Г О . Whatever language you speak, this is not attractive. In fact, it is
fashionably disastrous. Every time I see a girl wearing these I go out of my way
to let her know how horrible this looks. I’ll weave it in and out of
conversation like a bad car chase from COPS.
Sneakers
Chicks who wear sneakers are usually very laidback. Either that or they know
I’m around and are prepared to run. That’s cool though, I brought my bike. No,
that wasn’t me either, last Tuesday, when you had on that green sundress. How
did I know you wore a green sundress last Tuesday? Did I actually say Tuesday?
Wait! Shit, where’s my bike?
So maybe I could never get fifty women. Or, maybe I could, depending on how
serious kidnapping charges are in Somalia. My point is that women really are
like shoes. The more you have, the more you want. And when you wear gigantic
holes in their bottoms, you can get new ones at that one store, on the corner.
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