1. An Apple a Day

You've heard that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Well if that's true, then six a day will put him in another continent. Although, it's recommended you keep your doctor on the same landmass.

2. Orange Juice

An IV of OJ and you'll be OK. You've heard of a juice cleanse? Try a juice binge. I'm talking about doubling down on tripling up on your juice intake. This will keep you nice and hydrated, while giving your skin that healthy orange glow you've always wanted.

Ebola crisis decontaminating gloves and doctor outfits
You don't wanna end up gloved at the stake like these people.

3. Vitamins

With vitamins like A, B, C, you're going to want to make sure you get the full alphabet at least twice a day. Replacing your meals with vitamins will save you both time and preparation time that you can use to further protect yourself.

4. Never Leave Home

Outside? You mean that germ-filled wilderness full of diseased meat bags? Why take the risk of dying when you can just dip into your food storage and plan the collapse of society? So you missed your friend's birthday…at least you'll be able to celebrate the rest of yours while everyone else's brains are busy exploding.

5. Additional Resources

It's important to recognize that no strategy is foolproof, so you should be fully prepared. Make sure to have an ample supply of guns and tomahawks on hand for when the crisis hits the mainstream. Gathering may be hard, so make sure to move to a log cabin in state with relaxed gun control laws, and get neighbors who aren't snitches.

6. Secure Your Home

Your apartment may seem cozy now, but soon it will be little more than a concrete coffin. My advice? Lead a conquest and occupation of your local CVS with a rag tag group of survivors that you have specially selected to be leaders in the new world. These people will be your friends, lovers, and companions into the post-Ebola wasteland, so make sure you can trust them. This CVS will stand, as a last bastion of humanity in the wasteland, so be sure it has good Wi-Fi.

7. Rules and Order

In this new world, it's important to establish a system of rules to govern your people. For this, it would help if you drafted a constitution ahead of time—one that outlines how your new society will function, and how to deal with any Ebola outbreaks that may occur. Make sure to include some sort of dual-party system you can rig, in order to keep America alive.

8. Rebuild

Eventually, the CVS is going to run out of Snapple and Kit Kat Bars, so you'll have to venture out into the world. It's important to establish dominance over any and all neighboring tribes, claiming yourselves as the superior survivors. And after you have gathered enough of a force to secure your position as humanity's savior, eat an apple.

Get 10% off The Second City comedy classes with code PIC. Subscribe to our newsletter for new articles.