Hannibal: I’m Starting to Think Crossing the Alps was a Stupid Idea
Just six months ago, eating peeled grapes from my servants, I thought it was a brilliant idea. Now, standing up to my ass in snow, maybe not so much.
Tag: Swimming
I’m Sorry for Ruining the Big Fishing Trip
I'm sorry I kept going to the helm and telling the Captain, "I'm the Captain now." However, if everyone had backed up my mutiny, the trip would have been fine.
8 of the Hottest Non-Religious Burkinis
The comfortably structured contour-caressing nap of the Twerkini cover-up transforms motion into electrical energy, helping to charge cell phones.
Take Your Eyes Off Twitter and Do Your Fucking Lifeguarding Job!
A new problem is on the rise in this techie world of ours: lifeguards texting at public pools. Get the hell off your phone and back to your minimum wage toil!
5 Reasons Why I Will Continue to Give All I Have Coaching Water Polo to Youth
I stay up nights worried that my boys will not strive to be anything more than the chairman of the board of directors for a Fortune 500 trans-Atlantic conglomerate.
No Filter: A-riel Talk with Disney’s Gayest Princess
Hi, I'm Ariel. You may know me from The Little Mermaid or your local lesbian dive bar. Call me a rainbow fish, because I'm part of your world.
The Genius of Ryan Lochte
Shit, Jeff. I'm dead on my feet, bro. I'm exhausted. I want to go back to the Village with the guys and get some sleep and pretend this never happened.
6 Things I Can Do That Michael Phelps Can’t
Though his superior respiratory system makes him the perfect specimen in and out of a Speedo, there are, however, still some things I can do that Michael Phelps can't.
The Olympic Sport That Transcends the World
It's the most demanding, stressful, scary, humbling, embarrassing and brutally honest test of your strength of character and ability to fight through pain to finish a race.
My Good-For-Nothin’ Uncle Bequeathed Me a Million Dollars, You Jerks!
Why squander this opportunity to be a real life millionaire; a king of kings! And I'll take a big, steaming dump on top of my empty-headed uncle's grave while I'm at it.
Michael Phelps to Marry 19 Beauty Queens to Break Gold Medal Record
Men out there, I ask you: Would you rather marry Miss California or win 18 Olympic Gold Medals in swimming? We know these truths to be self-evident.
My Introduction to YMCA Summer Camp and Adult Penises
These were the first adult penises I'd ever seen, and as an 8-year-old, it scared me enough to make me avoid changing in locker rooms for the rest of my life.