Man in 1888 Photo With a Metallica T-Shirt and Cell Phone is Not a Time Traveler
I mean what kind of shitty time traveler would quantum leap wearing a “Wherever I May Roam” T-shirt from the most kick-ass thrash metal concert ever?
Tag: Sleep
The Essential Infowars Supplements
Super Male Vitality: We went to a gas station and bought every dick pill that we could. Then we crushed them up and put them into a vial.
Natural Deodorant Didn’t Stop Me From Sweating, But It Did Stop Me From Raising My Kids
Parents wouldn’t allow their kids over. They told me it was because their kids were allergic to cats, which I would have understood if we had a cat.
Ten Excuses Guaranteed to Get Out of Having Sex With Your Wife
Find a project, be passionate about it, let it consume you until you have no time or energy for sex with your wife.
The Secret to Marriage
Don't dwell on your decision to crush that hitchhiker’s skull after listening to your partner suck lettuce from their molar for the last seven exits.
Halloween Costumes for the Anxiety Riddled
Your giant black hole costume can be made with simple, all black clothes, ensuring no one notices you (not that you needed any help with that).
Hello, I’m the Witch in Your Hall Closet
Finally, I'll have sated my 200-year-old appetite, fulfilled a centuries-old curse, and your family's financial situation will stabilize.
God Checks In on the Plan for You, A Person Who Is Not Drake
You picture it. You see the wisdom. Unlike Drake, you do not accept God's plan. "I'm too good for that," you say. "Are you fucking kiddi–" God says.
The Five Stages of Grief for an Unanswered Tinder Message
Depression: Did I go too far by putting a puppy on my lap as I hold a guitar? Sure, I don’t know how to play guitar, but she doesn’t know that.
Signs Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl May Be Less of a “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” and More of a “Depression Meal at Walmart”
As she trails off, she restarts "The Office" on Netflix for the twenty-fifth time and pulls her couch blanket over herself.
H.P. Lovecraft Reviews His Recent Amazon Purchases
Sun Lamp for Seasonal Affective Disorder, One Star: I returned this lamp to Amazon. With luck it will sleep eternally in the depths of their warehouses.
Christopher Columbus Discovered Heaven
The only problem with Heaven is that it doesn’t last long, depending on how strong your beans are, and so the key is to keep drinking more of it.